Okay, I realize this is all overwhelming right now. Let's slow down and breath.
I empathize with your anxiety of pushing him further away. Been there, done that. Let's rewind a little bit. In your first response to me, you said that you needed to learn how to communicate your needs better. That takes us to what we are dealing with at this point. You are paralyzed by the fear of pushing further away...or completely away altogether. Let's call it the LBS fog of fear.
First, you will need to overcome this fear. It takes times. This is something I had to overcome myself. Even during my marriage, before the mess. Instead of saying no to things, I would go along with my W to avoid disagreements. Later they would boil over and I would become upset. Now, I will say no to certain things. The right delivery makes a world of difference.
I tell you this, because I think you may have been the same way in your marriage based on your responses.
So to answer your questions. It isn't your job to change him. People change, only when they choose to change. Now, you can influence change on him, by first changing yourself. Like you already said, you need to learn how to communicate your needs to him. That should be your first assignment.
You asked, what do you say? As I mentioned above, delivery makes a world of difference. You can always communicate in a loving manner without being rude or defensive. When you are ready, you can say something like, "H, you know that I love you and want to work things out, however, I cannot continue with a third person in our situation. We need to operate independent of one another, with the exception of the kids or house(whatever else requires contact) only." Then walk away or if it is on the phone, let him know that you have to go. Don't wait for his response. Don't get caught up in his anger. That's not for you to worry about. You own your part and address your issues.
You have to be ready to do that. It has to be genuine. It isn't a trick or game to get him back. It took me a long time to get there. I'd guess about 14 months. I confirmed the affair 12-13 months in.
Also, journal your feelings, thoughts and things you might say. It helped me to remember what I planned on saying and with my delivery.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks... I haven't had the opportunity to talk with H.
Funny but you hit something dead on. I have always had to temper
what I said to H if I wanted to voice my opinions or frustration
about anything. So that I wouldn't bring on arguments. was there something in your delivery that triggered arguments? What would HE say to that question?
Often I
would agree with him, even though I really didn't just to keep
peace. I know I should have never started our relationship
like that.
Next week he is taking her to the beach for "Bike Week".
Something we have done as a couple for the past several years.
I am sick to my stomach about it. I told him that I was hoping
we could have worked things out by now so that we could go
together. That I am disappointed about not going. Have you read the Div Busting book(s)? They offer some good advice about not bringing up the OP and strongly advise against exposure.
Also these comments to him are pure pursuit; is that a choice you are making to pursue him now, or did you not see it as such? I'd urge you to hire a DB coach b/c even though they seem pricey, they are cheaper than divorce is, and they cost about the same as most mc's do who are not on my insurance plan.
I found mine to be a Godsend.
His response
was he didn't think I had a very good time last year. I told him
I enjoyed getting away with him and spending time with him...
No response to that. Is there any reason he might feel you did not enjoy it last year? Think hard about it. Be brave and do some digging.
Did you complain, or sigh a lot, or argue? Why do YOU think he said that you did not seem to have had a good time?
I guess LITB that I have been so glad we have had a couple of
really good times together- and I want to still see him.
But- as you said before then I am enabling the affair. I am also "accepting" his sin and his relationship.
I seriously doubt he thinks you are fine with it. I'd bet anything he knows exactly how you feel. And calling it a "sin" to HIM or the kids, will be a huge turn off as he'll say you are judgmental and critical, and that you broke the vows by not cherishing him, and all the rest, etc. So be mindful of your word choices. Besides, it cannot help your PMA to say that about him anyhow, right?
Remember you want to counter his negative views of you, which he used to justify as his reasons for leaving, with new positive behaviors that show him his "data" about you is either false, or no longer true.
What are your 180s?
I know I shouldn't do that. I guess I'm fearful of H choosing her
over me. Oh how I hate all of this!!!!
\
OF course that is your biggest fear.
So, since we know that WASs' will Not return to a marriage they left,
unless
they believe the marriage can be different/better than before....
what are YOU doing to SHOW him that?
(Not words but actions and behaviors that are new and different in you)?\\\
Becoming a woman only a fool would leave, will benefit you no matter what he chooses. Do you get that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Maybe let him be the one to ask you out for a while. Don't initiate asking. Also, don't ask questions about how he spends his time. You don't benefit from knowing. You already know that he's in an A. Put some healthy distance between yourself and him. Even though you may enjoy spending time with him, and maybe even enjoy the fact that he is "cheating" on OW by spending time with you, is it worth the emotional energy you spend after the fact trying to figure out what he's thinking.
You said yourself that you are enabling the A. Sounds like he is cake-eating. Some people say that he has to think that he might be losing you to feel differently.
Maybe don't make yourself so available to him all the time, as difficult as that may be.
(I am also guilty of jumping to say YES every time H invites me to do something.)
Ask yourself this: Are you detached yet?
If the answer is "No" then it's time to put more energy into being your own person, independent of whatever happens in your R with H, and GAL.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
He called me this morning and asked to get together after work. And--- I went. We spent 2 1/2 hours together. Talking, laughing and yes, I did a some flirting...
When we left, I gave him a big hug and a few kisses and told him that I love him dearly and that I am praying for our marriage. He smiled and then he said, "I just don't think I can commit to anyone right now." And then, "I'm not ready to be romantic with you." So.... I'm not sure what this all means.
If he can't commit- does he want a divorce?? Of course he can continue with the A because he doesn't have to commit to her, she's married too... and he gets to have his physical needs met and has her to go here and there with... " That really hurts.....
secondt...this H of yours is running a game on you AND the OW.
He is teasing you with thoughts of a romance that should be yours alone. I don't know DB (the book), I only have DR, but the DR chapter on infidelity is your guidebook here.
He is eating two kinds of cake and his smugness about it is the ice cream on the side.
It is despicable, dishonorable behavior.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
