Wife told the kids yesterday that she is thinking about buying a house or having OM buy a house so she can live in it in a different town. The kids are really upset about this because they would have to live with OM part of the time. I am deeply hurt by all of this because I thought I was starting to see some good sings from her. I know she has been really stressed about finding a place to live and having money issues.
I need some help as far as how to react to this. I would like to show no emotion. And simply state that she need to inform me about big changes like this for the kids. So I can be prepared to handle the kids better. I have to admit this one really hurts me and if they move in together I don't know if I can keep trying to hope on this marriage.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Wow, that would be a pretty big commitment from OM to buy her a house!
Quote:
I would like to show no emotion. And simply state that she need to inform me about big changes like this for the kids. So I can be prepared to handle the kids better
Sounds good to me. Is she aware how upset they are?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes they voiced there there concerns. Told her that they did not want to live with him. The oldest told her he's not living with him at all and never wants to meet him. The other problem is that half the time they live there he will have his mom living with them. The wife has been taking care of her part time like a in house nurse. None of the kids have ever meet him and never want to. She got very upset with the kids when they voiced there concerns.
Any advise would help greatly. Please.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Sandi she is so deep still in the fog she has the kids coming last. The oldest blew up at the wife and said can't we ever come first. She didn't take it lightly.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Well I guess I just don't understand things. The wife has called me three times since she got home from work today. I guess a positive. One time was to just talk and I told her about letting me know when she is going to let the kids in on her plans with OM. We talked a bit and she said it was because she feels she has no other choice because she can't afford to rent a house because of money and I stated well I have to pay child support. So there's your money(since I have to because of stopping house payments on old house my lawyer said I had to or back support would pile up). She changed her toon and said well maybe I could find a place. She called again to see what we could come in agreement with and again no straight answer from her. She said she was emotionally drained and was going to take a nap. And she said she would call me back later after her nap. I was thinking she wouldn't call me back. So me and the kids went on a bike run made dinner and started watching the football game that the oldest is at. To see if he came on to the tv. And low and be hold she called me back. This time she didn't bring up any child support and just called to talk. She said she had a great nap and fell a sleep watching Couples Retreat. FITTING MOVIE! She tried to get some cake eating time in with the kids and me. By saying I should bring them over and look at there new teachers. But I said we where busy. She that's alright I guess I'll get back to getting the garage sale stuff done and she said that was so emotionally draining that she was not looking forward to it. I validated. And we soon ended the conversation.
Good that she is calling me at least. Guess I'm just struggling to find more out of it.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Is she living with OM? I used to pursue and try to get conversations going with my WAW, and every time I could get her to talk or force her into responding I would see it as a positive. But I have had a moment of clarity recently; a vision on the road to Damascus so-to-speak; and I realize that I cannot out-compete the OM. I am not a BS artist and OMs are Picasso's and Rembrandt s when it comes to painting with BS. What I can do is make it absolutely clear that as long as their is a R going on with an OM, then there is no friendship with me. And I can work on improving myself for my next W. Because once you see it as over and what you do is not for her but for your sanity then you can truly detach. Maybe your W will wake up and come back to you to try and repair the M but you have to accept that you are moving on with your life regardless of what W does or doesn't do. Your WAW does not have to be punished but she has to realize that continuing one course of action means the loss of a R with you.
I think you should look to your oldest for inspiration. He has stated that he is so unhappy over your W's choices that he refuses to take part in giving legitimacy to the farce. If the financial aspects are worrying W and putting stress on her then turn up the temperature every chance you get. Make her see that her actions have consequences and one of them is losing her R with you and her children who do not want part of that madness.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
She is not living with the OM. Me and the wife where talking about trying to find a place with out buying a house with out buying a house with OM. She said this is not something that she is looking to do. But she feels it is her only choice. We talked about all of her family and friends are offering her a place and none of them want her to do this. She said she is so confused because she doesn't know what she wants. She could live with us at my place or with him. She said the only thing that she is for sure right now is that she wants her own place to figure out what she wants in life. I let her know that the kids where not looking forward to living with the OM. And that our friend ship would be affected by this. Letting her know that if they moved in together that I would still care about her but the relationship of ours would now be on OM to take care of. That was in the second conversation of the day. So I will just have to see if that is her choice. I can't stop this and maybe it will bring her happiness. I can only be there for my kids. The choice is up to her. Trying to think positive about this but I think I already know her answer. Patience patience patience. Think positive and sometimes it will happen.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I don't understand a lot but what ever I'm doing seems to be working a little. I got a text last night saying the wife missed her babies. First time she ever sent me one of those. So I called her back and made sure she was ok. We made some small talk about her feelings. I validated her. Made one comment joking that I know how painful this is and she just wanted to get rid of me and not the kids. Got a laugh at it and her under her breath saying that's not what I wanted either. I asked if she wanted to talk to the kids and she said let them finish there tv show and have them call me. I did and they talked for a couple of minutes each.
After they hung up I didn't ask for the phone. I just sent a little text message saying I hope that helps. W "kinda thanks :(" , M " if I could I would take away all your pain" W " I doubt that very much" M " maybe some day you'll believe me. I do care". To no reply but about an hour later she sent me a video of her cat. Me and the kids laughed and sent back comments. Back and forth, funny. Then I get a phone call again from her. Called to talk about property taxes and a garage sale that we are having saying she is just so alone. We talk a little. Tell story's about stuff , laugh. I bought up doing stuff as friends like going for a walk, dinner and stuff like that. She said maybe we could do something like that you are technically still my husband.
So I got a maybe to doing something with me a big step. A hole lot of positives from last night. Patience patience patience. Be the great guy I am.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I wish I could detach more. It's very hard. Last night me and the kids were over at the old house with the wife trying to clean it up for a garage sale and short sale. We where cleaning out one of the sheds and the wife took a phone call from OM. This upset me emotionally. I said some thing towards the fact that it was rude to take the phone call while I was there and me and the kids should leave. That I was not emotionally ready for her to talk to him in front of me. I told the kids we should leave. She got mad and said she was not being rude because she walked away with the phone call. But she needed to take the phone call because it was some thing that she needed to know from him. I took a walk down the drive way and calmed down. And explained why I was acting that way. And explained how it hurt my feelings and why. She get upset when this stuff happens in front of the kids. She feels I'm making it look like she is the bad guy. We continued to clean up. And she kept trying to egg me into a fight about belongs and who gets what. I did not argue about this. I just let her talk. I feel lately that she is trying to manipulate me into stuff. But I'm not giving in on some stuff. Like she is trying to get everything perfect so she can just move on. Like paying child support, splitting up stuff, leading me on. But I just don't know. She said my emotions are bye polar. She doesn't trust that this man I'm becoming is for real. She even said you have become this guy I wanted how many years ago. This perfect guy. And what's changed in you? And why are you this way now. I said don't you believe people change. And she walked away. I stayed where I was and sat down. She came and sat down far away from me and I made some small talk. And soon she sat closer to me. She asked me to watch the kids this weekend for her but I'm busy with my life so I turned her down. I said I could help out on Sunday if she needed and she said never mind. We ended our night and said good night.
I feel I need to detach more. The OM shouldn't bother me so much because I know he is just a fantasy. And I am the real thing. I see our friendship growing every day. A bit of a back slide last night but I still controlled my emotions for the most part. I know I'm doing a great job. The big problem is I fear the end of it all.
Any help or suggestion or comments would help!!!!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
