I’ve been lurking here awhile, but finally decided to register and post this weekend. I’ve read through Sandi’s rules and the info for newcomers.
Anyway, with my story, where do I even begin? I first found out H was unhappy in February 2013. Prior to that, I had no idea how discontent he’d been, though I later found out he’d been feeling that way for years. We’d been actively trying to get pregnant for 6 months before he told me how he felt. A week after this revelation, we found out we were pregnant, but then I miscarried a few days later. We stopped trying after that.
We started MC a few months later, on the recommendation of a friend of mine. We saw her weekly for nearly a year, and while seeing her was helpful for both of us, as we learned how to be more open and vulnerable in general and with each other, in February 2014, he stated he was done, right after we came back from a nice weekend vacation. I was floored because I felt like our trip had been successful, but he argued that he still didn’t feel that “spark/connection” he wants and has “always denied himself because he never felt he deserved it.” Our MC encouraged us to keep pushing on and just see where the ride takes us, because she felt we were making good progress. In April, this time he stated he was REALLY done, and that he “wanted to get off the ride.” That was when I noticed our MC’s attitude toward us changed and that she seemed to think there was no hope. We saw her for a few more sessions, through the beginning of June, while she helped us navigate the waters of “uncoupling.”
I work in a school, so H agreed that I could stay in the home until the end of the school year. We decided it made sense for him to stay in our townhouse and for me to move because 1) I had someone else I could move in with, and 2) he makes more money than me and can handle the mortgage payments, while it would be a stretch for me. I moved out at the beginning of July, while he was away on an overnight camping trip with some brand new friends he’d met at a meetup event. Once H decided he was done in April, he began actively going out and trying to meet new friends, because he’s realized he really doesn’t have any.
Around April or May, I picked up both DB and DR and read them cover to cover. H halfheartedly began reading DB but then stopped only a little ways in. I’ve been talking to a DB coach since mid-June. I’ve had 5 sessions so far, and have 1 left, but haven’t scheduled it yet. The last time I spoke with her was 7/18. She felt I was making good progress and recommended that I make an appointment for my last session after some time had passed and assuming that positive changes were still occurring. However, a lot has changed (in a bad way) since then.
When I moved out, I had already been making some changes over the previous month and seemed to be getting positive results. H had complained that we didn’t spend quality time together (that I was always on my phone), that he hadn’t felt loved (his LL is primarily Acts of Service, while mine is Words of Affirmation), and that he felt I had emotional walls up. I changed by making sure to really listen to him and give him my full attention when we were together (not using my phone at all when we are together), started speaking his LL, and really worked hard to bring down emotional walls. We also have been ML a lot more than in the past few years, and I have been enjoying it much more, which was one of his complaints in the past, especially when we were trying to get PG. To me it always felt like he just wanted to ML because he had a biological urge, while I felt emotionally disconnected from him and therefore never felt in the mood. I learned through MC how important ML is to him in order to feel connected, and once I learned that, it’s been a much more loving and enjoyable experience for me. He was responding positively to the quality time, me speaking his LL, and my being more vulnerable. In turn, I felt like we were connecting a lot more. He also stated that he can feel that I love him now, whereas he still believes that during the early part of our relationship/marriage, I didn’t love him.
From February to April, there was also a lot of crying and pleading and trying to reason with him. After reading DR and DB, I stopped most of the crying, pleading, and begging (though I admit I backslide on this at times when my emotions get the best of me), and stopped asking him where he was going, even though he has made a good LF and spends a lot of time with her. I can tell that she is truly just a platonic friend, but it still bothers me. (I can talk more about that later, but that will need to be a whole separate post.) H’s birthday was at the beginning of July, so I did something low-key for him that really touched him, and he thanked me sincerely, with tears in his eyes. The lack of gifts and little things for past birthdays was another point of contention for him, so I made sure to do a little something for him this year, at my DB coach’s suggestion.
Right before I moved out, H seemed very sad and conflicted, yet insisted this is what he still wanted and that he is intent on going through with D. He claimed he was planning to file mid-July, while his sister was visiting, and has written up the paperwork, though I have not yet been served. I know it’s been written up though, because he’s showed it to me. My DB coach encouraged me to continue to initiate contact with him during our separation and to casually suggest hanging out, which he has been open to doing, though I’ve noticed in the last week he has been pulling away. We’ve both read through the book “Inner Bonding,” and it has helped us tremendously in getting more in touch with and honoring the feelings of our inner child, yet I have noticed that as he has been healing the hurts he has from his childhood and from his past relationships, he is becoming more distant with me.
I’ve realized that I need to change what I am doing toward H, because what I was doing no longer seems to be working. In the meantime, I have been using my time to GAL and do things for myself: reconnecting with friends and deepening our friendships (much deeper than they had previously been, as I am more in touch with my inner feelings and more comfortable with expressing them); doing things that are pampering to me, such as going out for massages, eating out at restaurants, and doing little day trips with girlfriends; trying to learn to be OK with being alone and just having myself for company; taking a vacation with my cousin (I’ve previously only vacationed with H) and then going to NYC afterward for a few days on my own to visit extended family and to catch some musicals by myself that I’d been wanting to see; and, most recently, attending a 3-day certification class for Kickboxing, so I can become an instructor, an idea I’ve been tossing around for awhile now. I also began IC with a new therapist and have started attending a Phobia and Panic Group to address a phobia that I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember, that at times affects my everyday life (I’m afraid of loud noises, particularly balloons and fireworks, and avoid some events if I have to encounter either, such as friends’ kids’ birthday parties). I’ve been seeing H 1-2 times a week for various reasons (either socially or for logistical reasons, i.e., getting something from his place), and he has commented how different I am so I know he is aware of my positive changes. These changes are so helpful to me, as they do make me feel so much better about myself and help me deal with the pain and grief.
H has changed drastically as well, suddenly becoming super outdoorsy, and getting into hiking, something he had never, ever been into before. He’s also started taking salsa lessons (again, really out of character), and almost seems to be shunning the things he had previously been so into (photography, eating out, traveling). His LF is very into hiking and outdoorsy things, and has encouraged him to go to salsa lessons. I’ve been trying to be supportive and encouraging of these changes, even though they take me so by surprise. H has also realized that while we were in MC, he kept saying he wanted more of a “spark/connection,” and while he concedes that that’s improved over the last year, he’s now realized he wants more of a “romantic spark.” While he feels that we had a bit of it before (on a scale of 1-10, he says we hit a 7 at our peak), he feels we are not right for one another because he couldn’t sustain it. He says we generally average a 5-6, but at our lowest point (when we were trying to get PG), we went down to a 1. He says he wants to be with someone with whom he can hit a 9 (saying it’s okay if it fluctuates between a 5-9) and feels in his gut that he will be able to find someone that meets that. H says that with me and his last two girlfriends, he was only able to get up to a 7, but that he’s had this gut feeling that he could have hit a 9 with two people in his life. One of them was this girl he had a crush on in 9th grade, who also liked him back, but who he never dated because his parents were so controlling and he felt like he couldn’t leave his house to do anything social. He cites not dating her as a traumatic event in his life. She had shoulder-length dirty blond hair, and now he has determined that that is “his type.” He laments the fact that he has never dated his type. (I’m Asian, and his last two girlfriends are as well.) The only other person he has had this gut instinct about is one of his current employees (he is her boss), and, surprise, surprise, she has shoulder-length dirty blond hair. I feel bad to sound so judgmental about this piece, but it just sounds ridiculous to me. I realize that the whole 1-10 scale is weird, but this is how it’s easiest for us to both understand it.
Anyway, I can write more later, but I just wanted to get this out there for now. I am off to his place to get the remainder of my things. I am planning to stop contacting him after this, unless he contacts me, though I think the chances of him contacting me at all are slim to none, knowing how he is. However, as I was literally JUST writing this, he texted me that he was going to go to the movies after I get my things and asked if I wanted to go along. I already have plans, but that was interesting because it’s the first time he’s initiated us getting together since I moved out.
I guess I haven’t stated it yet, as I felt it should be obvious, but I am hoping that my H and I will reconcile. I am trying hard to detach, use my gift of time wisely, and be patient, but as you all know, it is so difficult. I’d love to hear any input you all have. Also, in my darkest moments, this board has helped me tremendously. Just reading about everyone’s stories and hearing the encouragement has dragged me out of bed when I least felt like getting up and facing the world. I don’t know any of you, but I am really grateful for you all.
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Wow, jacket, our situations are similar. You've been facing all this for so long. It seems like you're handling this all quite well and DB well. Congratulate yourself on that because it's not easy, as we've all learned.
I'm not a vet and can't claim profound insight into your situation but when someone is looking for a romantic spark and feeling unfulfilled in that area, they seek it. I say this because I'm concerned about his friend with whom he is hiking and taking salsa lessons. IMO, you don't take salsa lessons with a female buddy. Then there's his longing for the girl from 9th grade. He's looking to fill some holes in his life. I'm hoping he hasn't strayed officially but to me he's on the cusp of that.
I'll let a vet weigh in because, like my h, your h seems resigned to leaving no matter what changes. It's indicative of a lot of pain, I believe, but some of that pain you had nothing to do with.
Thanks, Ss. I drew a lot of parallels from reading your story as well.
As for the salsa lessons, I don't think he's actually taking them with her. In fact, he and I actually went to a salsa class together once. He and LF just go hiking together and hang out 1-2 times during the week. She was the one who encouraged him to go do it, though, when he told her that he'd always wanted to. They both insist their relationship is just platonic, and I believe them. H and I have had extensive conversations on this topic, which are too long to list here. (I've never met her, though.) My main issue with her is that I believe H has simply transferred his codependency issues from me to her, even if it is just a platonic relationship. I know it's not the DB way, but because they started hanging out before I had moved out, and because we had both agreed that neither of us would date other people until I had officially moved out, I told him that I would have a huge problem with it if he ever started dating or hooked up with her, even AFTER I have moved out. He assured me that that wouldn't be a problem because he is not attracted to her at all (fortunately she's not a dirty blonde) and based on other things he's told me about her (because before I moved out he was still being pretty open about things), I really do believe that he wouldn't date her because there are a lot of things about her that are deal-breakers in his book. She's also moving either in September or November (she's a traveling physical therapist) and only stays in locations for 3-6 months, which is why she never wants to date anyone she meets, my H included.
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
When I saw him on Sunday, I purposely only went by for about an hour. I was cheerful and kept a PMA, then left promptly when I said I would.
When I declined his movie invitation, I simply said I already had plans. I did ask what movie he was seeing, and it's a movie I've been wanting to see. I said, "Rain check on the movie? Another day? Or are you going to go tonight anyway? If so, that's fine, too." I hope that wasn't pursuing too much.
I went and had dinner with my friend that night, and he texted while I was there, saying that he ended up going to salsa instead, but that he'd run into a friend of mine, whom he's only met once before. I told him that my friend I was having dinner with and I said hi, since we both went to grad school with her. He texted back with, "Oh, you're with Shirley?" I may be mind-reading here, but I feel like since I've been giving him less information, he's been a tiny bit more curious, or trying to see exactly what I'm up to. I also realized that he's paying attention to my check-ins on Facebook, because he'll reference them in conversation.
So my goal now is to really go dark. No more texting him randomly, or trying to get together, or posting on Facebook. I'll see if I get any sort of response. In the meantime, I have kickboxing tonight (I'm practicing teaching the class! Eek!) and dinner with my parents. I need to figure out some sort of GAL activity for tomorrow night, then I have C and dinner with a friend on Thursday. Am thinking I'll use a GC for a massage on Friday. Saturday I have tentative plans with a friend to go up to wine country for some good grubs.
Other suggestions for me with regards to H or with GAL?
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
I think perhaps your rain check stuff about the movie was maybe a little strong. Maybe just saying, " I have plans tonight but I'd love to see a movie with you another time." Would have buttoned it up nicely while still being mysterious.
It's clear he's curious about what you're up to. Mystery does amazing things. I'm not so good at that right now but I'm also pretty sure h tracks my phone if he's super curious. Not sure what to do about that.
I need to be better about a GAL, too. I'm desperate for a job and I've applied for everything from Sephora to public sector to admin positions at a university. I need something to occupy my brain besides all this "will he come back" stuff.
So, ideas about GAL:
Workout daily-you seem to have this down Take a class (photography, philosophy, cooking) Join a book club Volunteer
Man, that's all I got right now. I'm no help in this area. I'm struggling big time in the detach/GAL departments.
I was planning to take a cooking class this fall and I've been invited to join a book club, too. Seems we're totally thinking along the same lines here.
I was doing well on Sunday and yesterday, but now I can tell I'm becoming super paranoid again. He's usually on Facebook all the time now, since he and his LF/BFF communicate through FB messenger, but now I can see he hasn't signed on for 15 hours. It makes me think he must have taken the day off and is cavorting around with her. I know that's totally irrational and I have absolutely no proof or any indication that that's the case, but that's where my mind goes.
How do I stop from spiraling down like this? There are days where I feel fabulous and like I'm making progress, and then WHAM! it hits me like this.
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Sounds like you are definitely doing things very well and actually getting some positive results. I am going to steal some of these tricks from you and try to apply them to my own sitch ... keep at it and good luck!!
Thanks, Caliguy. I don't feel very successful a lot of times, but I appreciate the compliment. I've been reading up on your situation, too, and though I don't have any advice, I'm wishing you good luck as well.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with the people who are pushing you super hard to "just move on"? I've been very patient with people who are pressuring me so hard in this direction and mostly just let it roll off of me. But it's frustrating to have to keep explaining yourself. Plus, people seem to think that if I would just make the decision to move on, then I'll magically not be sad anymore or something! Also, most of these people have never been married or are still married and have never been divorced. They feel like it's been a long time, and it's time for me to go on with my life. I have to point out to them that I've only been physically separated from H for a month, and one of the weeks in July I saw him often because his sister and her two kids were in town and we both wanted his niece and nephew to be able to spend time with us together. Also, my friends and family feel like I'm spending too much time focusing on H, whereas I feel like I have been going out and doing a lot of things for myself. Gah! Sorry, just frustrated and venting.
I signed up for my 6th DB coaching session. It's this Friday. I also have IC on Thursday. Thank goodness.
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Jacket, I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you found us (if that makes any sense!). I am new here as well and it looks like we have a similar timeline/situation. It sounds like you're doing really well with detaching and GAL -- good for you!
I am fortunate that I don't really have anyone pressuring me to move on, but I do have a few friends who are concerned that my H is "stringing me along" and that I'm not being assertive enough in terms of demanding a timeline for trying to fix our R. The way that I've explained it to them is this: When I married my H, I pledged my loyalty to him. As long as I have hope for my M, I can't give up on my H. I also don't think that I should engage in conduct that I know is going to drive him further away (i.e., making demands). If more time passes, or if circumstances change, then I may be released from my vow, but for now, I feel called to be patient and wait to see if we can repair our M.
Jacket... I have the people who want me to move on and I discovered something about that
These people are on one hand and they are the ones closest to me, and know most of whats going on .... FROM MY PERSPECTIVE ... they only hear my bitches .. gripes .. my pain .. my hurts ... they have never experienced the good things, the little things of why I love her, because we generally dont sit around talking about how blissful we are ... if things are good we are happy and usually there to lend a ear to them .. when we are hurt .. we share it giving that person only the bad side of our WAS ... not entirely fair to the R or the WAS ... so keep that in mind, and as I have done .. I let little go except to one friend who understands and does not judge regardless .. if anything he 2x4's me when I need it.
