Maybell VI

[Maybell]

Well... that was interesting.

The question about the ring led to a long exchange about where his head is.

Seems pretty clear he's in a midlife crisis. He doesn't want to be involved with anyone right now, and while he values me and feels warmly toward me he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me either. He actually said he just has to go through his process and it's going to take as long as it takes.

I asked him go consider going back to the IC because he needs to have access to a third party who doesn't have an investment in his outcomes. He said he would consider it but work is really busy. We talked for a bit about what he's working towards and how he's let his life become so consumed with work that it has destroyed every other thing in it. He said he likes his job and that he isn't sure what he wants from his life.

I asked him to put his ring back on and he said he'd wear it for me but he didn't want to make a promise he might end up breaking. I said if it was between the ring and the IC I'd rather he do the IC so he said he'd reach out and try a session or two and see if it made a difference to him.

That's OK with me. And now that I feel like I understand where his head is better it makes ALL the difference to me.

He repeated his invitation to dinner with the kids. I'm still thinking about it. Not sure what I'll decide. I do feel like if we can weather this somehow then we have a good chance of fixing the marriage. He doesn't want to hurt me, he wants me to keep liking him, he recognizes it's been a year-long nightmare... It may turn out OK. At least, I can sort of see a path.

And that path begins with me putting him on the backburner and getting on with my life. So, in the words of the Tenth Doctor...

Allons-y!!

[Maybell]

One more thing... that was the most honest and productive conversation we've had in several years. I like him better now than I have in a really long time. If this is the kind of person he'll be when he comes out the other side, it will have been worth it.

[Mat]

Sounds like you had a 180 - both of you!!

Forgive me for going on a tangent, but I had an experience that made me think of you and I wanted to share it, I think you'll be interested.

So yesterday, after I came back from a meetup group (which comprises a very sweet, delightfully pretty young lady that made me consider getting into the dating scene, but I digress), I managed to get my parents on video chat.

I'd say my parents are a bit like your mom - do not accept we're adults, and have meddling tendencies. The three siblings dealt with it in different ways. Oldest had a rebellious phase but ended up reproducing their lifestyles, only trying to better it on a professional and relationship level. Youngest, I am sad to say, had to fight low self-esteem and insecurity but it looks he's winning the fight now. Me, I rebelled, moved continents, and now we get along great! Obviously not everything is the parents' fault; but nonetheless this is how we turned out.

So we were talking about this and that mundane thing, and my situation came up. Upon learning that W was seeing someone, he decided to advise me to "put my pants on" and settle this once and for all. "hey, but it's your life". I am glad I chickened out - I could have gotten back into our destructive teenage-era arguments that would be really hard to mend now. Instead I switched topics.

Today I was still seething, and depressed at the same time. Why take hope away like this, because you don't like the idea of your son being what, a passive cuckold or something? How does he think he knows enough to make that determination?

Anyway that's when I started thinking about you and your thread, the whole reverting into child-mode again. It's crazy how that happens. The fact that I go spend holidays there, let my mom cook for me, etc, enables this. I need to start acting like an adult around them to get that respect. Not by being a smarta$$ or attempting dominating behaviour, but by setting boundaries and being calm, and modelling the behaviour I expect.

This isn't my insight - I got it all from you and labug on this thread! I thought you'd find the story entertaining.

The epilogue of this, is that my mood has turned around. How? A kickboxing session with a friendly group, and kind, motivational coaches.

So in the off chance that I may leave you with a piece of wisdom that you don't have already - have you thought of taking a class just for you? Or a book club? I know you're getting a job, which is hugely validating and developmental, so perhaps that'll do the trick.

I'm also going to bed early, because for me, tiredness and negative spiral thinking go hand in hand. I know how demanding your life is - I don't know if there's anything you can do about energy levels, but I really admire how you keep fighting in spite of all the demands on your energy.

There!

Talk later.

[Maybell]

Thanks, Mat. Our families are very similar down to my brothers & me (except I have three brothers).

I actually have always been outstanding at GAL activities. Actually, my IC and I today were discussing the impact of that on my marriage. A 180 on GAL would be to focus on one big thing rather than tons of little things.

[Maybell]

I sent this follow up email today. Hope it doesn't earn me any 2x4s.

Can we clear the air on a few things?

1. I've been really anxious about finances. Are you fine with continuing the status quo on things like finances, our legal status, etc., for the foreseeable future? Establishing a legal separation will require refinancing or selling the house and I would prefer to not put myself or the kids through that any time soon if you don't object.

2. The washer is leaking from the bottom. I would really like to buy a new set that can handle the laundry load our household generates. I don't feel comfortable making a purchase of this size without your buy-in. I don't need anything else from you but that and the money to do it.

3. On the paperwork for the start of the new school year I'm going to add your apartment address. Because we are still legally married any time I need to list an emergency contact for myself it's going to be you. Let me know if that's a problem.

4. I recognize that you don't have romantic feelings for me at this time. However, I feel very strongly that your dating other women while we are still married would be extremely disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our kids. I will absolutely not be ok with that at all. I do not intend to date while we are still legally married for the same reason. I would hope that you would not engage in behavior that you would be ashamed of if the kids learned about it in adulthood. I hope you are still that high quality person.

Thank you. I appreciated our conversation this afternoon. I feel like I understand you better and that helps a lot.

[Maybell]

His answer:

Let's talk about the more sensitive of these, but I appreciate you sending the note and want to figure out the best path forward. With regards to the washer I don't want you feel like you have to ask me that way. Of course you can get a new washer...I understand that you need one, and if it makes sense to get both a washer and a dryer at the same time please go ahead.

On the paperwork and address stuff of course that's not a problem. I'm sorry that I've made things awkward to an extent that you need to ask it that way.

The next week as I said is busy and stressful for me, but after that it should get better. Maybe we can figure out the best way to find some time to talk about some of this constructively in person.

Sorry it's been such a wreck.

I feel kind of sick. I don't want to be legally separated. It's a one-year wait in our state for divorce, so we have a ton of time and I don't want to have to worry about house and finance any time soon. I haven't been wasting money and he hasn't really been spending any either other than supporting our households. I really just wanted to confirm the status quo and relieve my mind.

[Maybell]

...but I'm the first person he contacts when he heard about Robin Williams????

I'm sorry for the over-posting today. I"M SO CONFUSED.

[Maybell]

And then he said he was trying to stay connected to me.

So there's that wrinkle.

I don't know what to do with him. I would like for us to recover now, is that so much to ask? I mean, his subconscious appears to be screaming at him not to do this and he can't seem to contact his subconscious.

Good times.

[vossy]

I get the impression, at times, that you want your husband to move at your pace.. and right now, he can't. That doesn't mean that at some point in the future you won't meet in the middle, but I think you need to slow down a little.

You had a great conversation, after which you said you felt like you understood where he was at, and it made you feel better.. but then you emailed and now you feel confused again. Maybe you should have stopped for a while after the conversation.. ? It might give each of you some breathing room..

Also, in your conversation, you say you don't feel you have the grounds to ask him to wear his ring, but in the email you ask him not to see anyone. That seems a little contradictory to me. (Obviously, in a *normal* world, you wouldn't even have to voice these things, but...)

Although I think you are within your rights as a wife to expect these things, I feel like making these requests could push him away again.. and he seems to be making steps to come closer. I'm just not sure that it does you any good to ask him outright.

I'm not sure if I am articulating myself very clearly, but I hope you get what I am saying..

[Maybell]

Thanks, Vossy. I get what you're saying.

My dad put his ring in a box the day after he married my mom and never wore it again. I grew up thinking it was normal for men not to wear rings, and though my husband's ring is a little different, I can live with his not wearing it.

In our conversation today H said he would enjoy light interactions on a date, but has an aversion to a relationship. Fine, I can live with that. However, he JUST ended things with OW and my patience is not unlimited. If he needs time that's fine but I'm not ok with more other women.

I do see your point but I've got to have SOME bottom lines or I'm going to feel like a doormat. That happens to be a big one for me.