Awakening

[tonibertha]

Starting a new thread...

So H and I have been separated for nearly 3 years. We'd been spending a lot of time together over the last year and half, but not in the last month.

I have been reflecting on everything, and I have realised that while my H has his faults (several of them), the current rift is all my fault as I have pushed him away with my constant criticism and verbal attacks.

I miss my H and I would really like to make things work, so I have come back here with a beginner's mind...

I found a lot of support here previously, and it really helped me when I was on here, so I hope to post here frequently from now.

I can't go into a lot of detail now about everything that happened over the last year, but I guess the picture will become clearer as I post daily.

For now, back to work...

[tonibertha]

Woke up feeling a bit down. H is supposed to have DD this weekend, and was meant to pick her up yesterday. I didn't hear from him and decided not to contact him as a 180. I feel that if he really wants her, I shouldn't have to chase him down on his weekends with her. This happened on his last weekend, except that he asked me to put her at the childminder all weekend on his bill, which I didn't. As such DD hasn't seen H in a month now. Neither have I.

[Cadet]

the current rift is all my fault as I have pushed him away with my constant criticism and verbal attacks.

So is he pursuing you now?

I am not saying the criticism and verbal attacks are good.
Yes you need to fix that.
But it takes two to make a marriage.
You can only do 100% of your half.
He must do the same.

Keep posting

[tonibertha]

He has pursued me on and off, but is not currently doing so.

I don't think that I have used the DB techniques properly in all this time, but I am 100% committed to doing so now. I plan to follow Sandi's 37 rules and also speak his main love languages when the opportunity arises.

After this, I will know that i HAVE done everything in my power to make it work.

[tonibertha]

Had a good day today.

Didn't hear from H (wasn't expecting to). Went to work, came home and played with DD.

Hoping to do some GAL activities this week. Been feeling a bit tired recently, so I invested in a water bottle today (highlight of my day), as I think i'm dehydrated.

[tonibertha]

Had a good day yesterday. Made it to the gym.

DD asked to speak to H yesterday. I tried to distract her (since I'm dark), but it didn't work. I helped her facetime him on her ipad, and they spoke. He told her he missed and loved her, but she didn't respond to either. Weird cos if I don't respond when she says it, she tells me 'I say I love you, mummy, why are you not talking?'.

Anyway, I was wondering how others manage such requests from the children. Would H look at it as pursuing on my part, as if I put DD up to it (calling him, I mean)? Am I being silly by even wondering such a thing?

[tonibertha]

Really miss my H. I'm spending this weekend at my brother's, which is about 7 minutes walk from H's flat. I am sooo tempted to ask H if he wants to meet up while we're there. I know it's a bad idea as it's obvious pursuit on my part. Sooo difficult...

[Maybell]

Kids are the exception to going dark. Don't get your D in the middle of your relationship with your H. If she wants to talk to him you can send him a brief text letting him know and arranging it and then go dark for yourself only.

We need more information about your relationship to be able to help more.

[tonibertha]

I'm not very good about posting on here frequently. In spite of my desire to, I just get too busy to come on here most days.

Anyway, last month, I had quite a few guys asking me to date them. I was tempted to date one that I perceived to be really serious about me, who i've known since 2012. He is always checking up on me (every single day), just to see how i'm doing, even while accepting that i'm not yet ready to date.


I asked H if we could make a final decision about what to do about our marriage. We have been separated for nearly three years now, and I really would like to move on with my life, with or without him.

He thought about it and decided that he would like to move in with me and try to make things work. I agreed, and it was decided that he would move in next week, as my mum has been visiting, and she just left two days ago (my flat is really small).

He is supposed to bring some things over today. Yesterday, he sent me a text asking me for a loan. I refused, as he already owes me £500, and has not paid any of it back, in spite of my asking for the last couple of months.

I have not heard anything negative from him, but it just brought back all my feelings of financial and emotional insecurity from when we lived together before.

i have been crying since yesterday afternoon. cried myself to sleep, woke up this morning, and surprisingly started crying again. i'm really worried about exposing myself to all his vindictive manipulations again.

i can't help feeling like my subconscious is trying to tell me that going back into the marriage is not a good decision. guess i just have to wait and see what happens with us, and try to manage things as we go along.

kinda feels like i'm saying goodbye to my sense of peace tho....

[Maybell]

Then don't let him move back in yet! If your issues haven't been resolved he'll just move out again in a few weeks. You need to work that stuff out, see a marriage counselor, date, and decide if things can work out. Get some professional advice before you put yourself through all that!