Is this a good sign? What do I do now?

[2Times2Many]

I've been around for a while, but haven't posted in some time. My old posts are on the MLC board, but I thought I'd move here since I'm not convinced it's a MLC and there seems to be a little more "action" on this board. Sorry, this may be a little long. I will have to give some background first.

For all practical purposes, WAH and I have been separated for nearly a year. H works in another city and comes "home" about every 4 to 6 weeks to tend to the business the two of us own together. He usually stays here at the house, but has stayed at relatives or a hotel (at my request) a couple of times.

I've been working with an IC and have spent the last 4 to 6 months accepting that I may be a single woman in the future ... and making good progress. I was actually getting to a pretty good place - at least when H wasn't around.

Whenever H is here, I get all kinds of talk about the kind of life he wants, which doesn't include me (except as a business partner) or living in this city. I hear how much he doesn't feel for me now, etc. I have just kept my mouth shut and not let him see that it hurts me, although it's very painful.

IC has been telling me that I needed to somehow let H know just how much he is/has hurt me - not just this time, but the last time we went through something similar. So when he was home a few weeks ago, I did. I basically told him that I knew we would be divorced already if it weren't for our business, that I wasn't made of stone and I didn't want to hurt anymore. I talked for nearly an hour about all the things I had thought and felt for the past 5 years (since his first EA). I told him that I didn't trust him not to hurt me again. He listened and said that he was glad I told him and that what I had said totally changed what he thought about the last few years.

I had been rather scarce with contacting him prior to that, but went almost completely dark when he left. I would only communicate with him when he called to check on things at the office and then I would only discuss business.

A few days after he left, he texted and asked if I would allow him to join me on a trip I had planned because he thought we needed to talk. I had reservations, but told him it was okay.

When he came home, he was very attentive ... lots of hugs, kisses on the cheek, etc. That stuff had been non-existent for almost a year.

The trip started out great. We talked about what each of us had been thinking for the past few years, where the communication break down may have come from, all kinds of R stuff. But, we also talked about how to divide up property, etc in a D. We did touristy stuff and he held my hand while we walked a couple of times. He "attacked" me and we ML once. Then on the last night, I had one too many cocktails and kind of had a meltdown. My IC said the combination of D talk, an extremely stressful life event and alcohol was not a good combination. Oh well.

When we came home, he was back to cold and distant. I was kind of down because that was a huge backslide, but muddled through.

A couple of days before he was due to leave, we got into an argument about some business issues. He got mad, packed his bags and went to stay with relatives. I just told him that it was frustrating to try to talk to him sometimes because he would get angry and defensive and then just leave without trying to sort things out. Then I left the room and let him leave.

The next day he came to the house for a previously arranged business meeting with one of the employees. After the employee left, he asked if I wanted to talk. At first I said no, then told him that I was tired of living this way and couldn't do it anymore. I told him that I could probably handle the distance issue IF we had some kind of meaningful relationship when he was at home, but we didn't even come close. I told him that he had walked away and basically abandoned me and his life here and I didn't want to live that way anymore. He said he had not walked away, so I pointed out that when he came "home" he lived out of a suitcase like a guest. A few more non-angry words were exchanged and he left.

The next day he asked me to go to dinner with him. We had a very pleasant dinner. He said it was so good to hear my cheerful "hello" when he called the office ... that he missed hearing my voice. He said he enjoyed taking care of little things for me (I had told him that I felt that if something, God forbid, happened to him, I would have to handle little problems myself and might as well learn to do it, and that's why I didn't tell him about plumbing problems or car problems, etc.) He told me he was tired of living like this, too. He said he was tired of living out of a suitcase but asked for time to sort things out (with his job in the city where he lives).

Before he left, he gave a genuine hug and a peck on the lips and said he'd miss me. He left me a small gift (something someone had given to him that he thought I could use) and a note signed "love you." It was quite a shock to me!

There was an OW, a PA, that he hooked with in his city, but I don't know if she's still in the picture. I do know he is not happy where he is -- he says he is "comfortable" and is trying to make the best of the mess he's made (my words, not his).

Although there were issues while he was here and on the trip, this is the first time I have seen any kind of affection or "loving" words from him in nearly a year.

What do I do now? I don't know if opening up to him got his attention, or if it was going very dim, or if it was telling him I had had enough or what?

Some input would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry this was so long. Thank you for wading through it.

[Maybell]

Sounds like it was a combination of all those things.

What do you want??

[2Times2Many]

Well, I don't want a D. I want to rebuild. But, I know it takes two to do that and that it's hard and sometimes painful work. Until the past couple of weeks, H made it very, very clear that he wasn't interested. He has seemed to be torn between the safe haven (me) and the lure of "single" life. (All of his new friends are about his age, but have never been married.)

As for me, I'm torn between standing or just accepting the direction my life has taken and moving on.

The way I see it, I have 3 options. Stand and fight, accept being one of the "undivorced" for the sake of my financial future (I felt that H would be perfectly happy with that up until a few weeks ago), or moving on.

If there is hope, the choice for me is easy - stand!

So, I suppose I'm asking if anyone here sees that hope.

[Maybell]

It's really hard to say if there's hope, not knowing your H, but you wouldn't be here if your H hadn't given you reason to be.

Do you have a sense for ways in which your H has changed that would help the relationship be more successful?

I'm not a vet, but what I've learned here in the last few months is that there is hope in many of the direst situations. So although I have little of substance to offer besides moral support, I'll keep bumping your posts till a vet comes by. I have a good one in mind... Track down 25yearsmlc.

Best to you!

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, Maybell.

He has been cold and distant for some time and now I see a softening ... I think.

I have major trust issues, not with OW, but with my place in the business. I'm kind of irreplaceable at the moment. If I threw in the towel and walked away from all of it, he'd be in dire straits. That's what the argument was about. H wanted to do something that I wasn't completely trusting of.

The question I deal with is whether or not this is an act to keep me pacified or a genuine desire to try to deal with our R issues. He seems to bounce all over the place. He seemed sincere when he left and I haven't gotten a "love you" in a long, long time.

It's hard to DB when you aren't sure whether or not your being played. I want to believe that I'm not, but I can't quite get there.

So, what do I do?

[Maybell]

Well, to me, DBing means to be friendly but detached. Listen more than you speak. Be willing to experiment and take risks but don't beat yourself up if you fail. It's about being a strong, self-motivated person.

So in some respects it sounds kind of risk-free.

On the other hand, from your perspective there's a huge amount of risk involved. That's why you keep asking the question. So the next thing to do is to break it down. What's at stake? What's the worst case scenario?

What does your gut tell you?

[Eatsma]

Maybell is asking good questions. Nothing to add now, but following along.

I'm a believer (foolishly, maybe, but I'm new at this) that if you want to stand, then you stand. You'e got time.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks for stopping in, MP.

Maybell, the worst thing that could happen, from my perspective, is D. It's not what I want, but I with my IC's help, I have come to accept that I will be fine should that occur.

I've spent the past 4 to 5 months working on me. Learning to focus on the good things in my life and finding ways to be happy without H. I've taken a lot of weekend trips to see family and friends, a couple of short vacations (H joined me on last one) and I've got a lot of little projects done around the house.

I've worked on my "inner me" (for lack of a better way to put it) as well. I've always been somewhat of an introvert and would avoid conflict by most any means possible. I have felt for some time that H thought he could pretty much do whatever he pleased and I'd be okay with it ... that I was pretty much a doormat. And I was. I gave up "me" in an effort to try to keep peace at home and to do whatever I could to try to keep him from straying again. Didn't work!

Anyway, I don't do that anymore. In the past I would have tried to stop him from walking out like he did last week. But I don't do that anymore. I made my point, without anger, and let him leave. Very proud of myself for that. He was back the next day saying he wanted to try to fix things with us and left me the "love you" note.

I know he sees the changes because he asked me to tell my IC that she has been really good for me and he appreciates all she's done for me. (BTW, she thinks H is very confused and doesn't know what he wants, but is afraid to completely let go. She thinks I am his safety net.)

Anyway, I had kind of given up and was just proceeding on with my life as though I would become single. I do great when H isn't here. When he is, things are so stressful. I find myself longing for the house to myself again.

I do love him and I know he is really messed up right now and it breaks my heart to see him like this. It's difficult to sit back and do nothing, but he has to help himself and figure it out on his own.

I had made an attempt to try to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of our business, but I suspect he saw that as pursing. He came home saying he had no feelings for me. So I just went as dark as possible under the circumstances after telling him I didn't trust him not to hurt me again. I think that my attitude about getting on with my life and going very dim on him had an impact.

But I'm not sure. I know what to do when they are in crazy land. I'm just not sure what to do when they are starting to come around (if he is). I don't want to scare him off. No more backsliding!!

So, I need some advice on how to proceed from here. Continue NC unless business related (which is seldom - H calls here), toss out a text once in a while, something else?

[Maybell]

I am not the best person to answer these questions, but your story interests me and I'm going to keep responding with support, if for no other reason than to keep you bumped until you get a vet to stop by. I hope the support helps too.

[labug]

My IC said the combination of D talk, an extremely stressful life event and alcohol was not a good combination.

My IC told me the same thing!

Even tho it feels like crap, I think you're doing fine.

I think proceeding on with your life is what you continue to do for now. After all, your life is continuing with or without you.

Why do you think he's "messed up" "in crazy land" right now?

What was missing in your M before?

25 has an equation Time + consistent changes = change they can believe in (I think my math is right )

My thoughts are you, stay as far apart as you can while H is in the "I don't love you anymore phase" and work like crazy to get your act together. Then when you are together again (and it has to happen, even small exchanges) they might think "Wait, this isn't the person I left. What's up?"

And then they begin to investigate further.

The sticking point is the changes do have to be real. It can't be an act. So I guess it's the same equation, just in story problem form.

And there's something uRworthy says, you have to love them enough to let them have there life, their journey.

Good luck.