Dating - should you do it?

[mindsin]

Even though my WAW is in an ongoing affair, I've been keeping away from showing any interest in dating.

My wife has been encouraging me to start dating. I know part of it may be to further justify her affair, and another part of it is because she still cares for my emotional well-being (for the children's sake if nothing else). She thinks by meeting other women, it will help me better cope with the situation and detach from her.

My gut tells me she's right.

Truth of the matter is, I'd actually like to try dating, if nothing else than as part of my GAL and to meet new people.

Is this a big no-no with regard to DB guidelines? I'm thinking it is.

Has anyone had any success dating while still in a WAS situation?

[shodan]

I am no vet, and am dealing with a WAW having an A and not admitting to it...but I would stay away from dating. If you really want to, then perhaps you should not try to save your M? My guess is the vets would say that you need to find yourself and detach with friends and hobbies, but not because you find another W. If you get so much confidence from seeing another W, then you probably are not detached from your W? I don't think it should take another W to help your recovery and detachment.

just my two cents...

[claire7]

Meeting new people is great. Why does that have to include dating?

I would think a lot about what you said about dating to help you cope and detach from your W. Hmmm. That sounds like a red flag to me. We can't expect someone else to make us happy. Do you have an IC? That is probably who you should turn to for help with coping and detaching...

Do you feel like you are in a position to be an equal, healthy partner in a new relationship? How would you explain your MR status? ("Well, I'm separated, but I still kinda hope she will come back to me, but in the meantime I want to see who else is out there and have some fun.)

I mean, only you can decide what to do, and i am not here to judge. But I think the purpose of DB is to take a good, hard look at yourself. And this question seems like a perfect time to do that.

[Ggrass]

If you mean dating dating for r partners, then if your hoping to go back to your w do you think that's fair to someone who might get attached?

My thought is meeting people to have friends so long as they know where the lines are. I am going out to different things and will be going to another political dinner soon at the end of August. Hoping to see and meet again some who I met at the last one. Nice people.

[zew]

Oh, I think this one is so, so simple. But maybe that's just me.

mindsin:
- you're very new in your sitch. whether you know it or not, you are an emotional mess right now. you are not detached. you are not in a rational, stable place right now. you will yo-yo all over the place for the next couple of months.

- First order - DO NOT DO ANY MORE DAMAGE either to your emotional self, or to your M.

- this means you're a mess waiting to happen to any prospective date, and any prospective date is a mess waiting to further complicate your sitch.

- now is the time for you to be reflective, figure out how you contributed to the demise of your M, and start addressing that. Your time now is best spent on improving you, so that if down the road you D, you will not repeat the same mistakes with that next date.

- you are correct in guessing that your W wants you to date in part to help her justify what she's doing. "Hey, it's alright, we have an open marriage - we both date." If that's what you want, that's what you'll get.

- Now understand what I'm about to say - you cannot shame your W, nor can you say anything to make her feel guilty - that will not work, and will backfire on you. However, if she has any conscience at all, and she does, I guarantee she struggles with it daily, she will have her own feelings of shame and guilt. Those are working in your favor. If you start dating, you lose those. Once your W gets over that hurdle, it's a long downhill slide from there. By dating, you would be helping her over that hurdle.

- how on earth do you explain your status to a date? What is your status? What could you offer the other person? What would you expect from the other person? Are you just looking for a one night stand? A shoulder to cry on? Can you see having a long term relationship with a W who would date a married man?

- Now, if you are talking about going out with a group of people, getting a life, where some may happen to be S/D people, but you are clearly not in a date setting, by all means, go ahead. More friends and support never hurts. That will help you realize that there is life without D, and things will be ok, and that will help move you to a more stable emotional state, which is where you must be if you're going to save your M.

IMHO, dating and DB'ing are polar opposites.

So are you trying to save your M, or are you moving on?

[mindsin]

Thanks for the feedback zew. I guess at this point, I'm still confused. If you were to tell me that my wife will absolutely come back to me tomorrow, I'd jump on that ship in a heartbeat.

But I know that I need to move on because the likelihood of that happening are very slim. My mind thinks that the comfort of another woman will make me feel better.

Another part of me thinks I'm trying to move things too fast. I'm so anxious to see what happens in the next chapter of the book, I lose focus of the chapter I'm currently in. (if that makes any sense)

[zew]

If you were to tell me that my wife will absolutely come back to me tomorrow, I'd jump on that ship in a heartbeat.

Of course, but there are no guarantees. All you can do is increase your odds by bettering yourself. Bettering yourself has a guaranteed payoff for you, and may attract her back. Moving on right now does nothing to better you or preventing you from making the same mistakes in the future.

I need to move on because the likelihood of that happening are very slim.

So what do you want? A better you with long odds on saving M, or the same old you, with guaranteed odds on the destruction that D offers?

mindsin, I can't and won't tell you what to do, but consider:
- The comfort of another woman will make you feel better, immediately, for a while.
- Will you have done the best for your kids?
- Will you ever regret not trying harder?
- Will you be able to say to your kids that you gave your best shot at giving them a stable home life?
- What did your vows mean to you?
- What is the example you want to set for your kids?

There are no right answers, only answers that you can live with.

As to moving too fast, yes, I think you are. It is completely natural, especially for men, to need to do something to change the situation. You will see it repeated all over this board that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Something else I will add is that you can always move on, at any time. You can always get a D. But once done, those things are hard to undo. Why do you need to do that right now? You know that affairs die, things will change. Are you happy that you are the best you can be, and have no more work to do on yourself or your relationship with your kids before throwing in the towel?

I'd recommend slowing way down. Finish the book. Think about it for a few weeks, then read it again.

Realize that your emotional state right now will affect your decision making negatively. More than ever, you need to not make life-changing decisions for your family in haste.

[Starsky309]

My mind thinks that the comfort of another woman will make me feel better.

It probably would. But DBing isn't about doing what makes you feel better.

It's about doing what has the best chance of saving your marriage.


Starsky

[asat82]

I'm fairly new here, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but the way I see it is:

If your wife came running back to you head over heels and truly wanting to repair and rebuild your relationship in the next week, would you take her back over anyone else and be happy and ecstatic with your new future together with your wife. If the answer to this is yes, then you should not be dating. I know at some point, that people have to move on, but for the current time this is how I see it.

This time is for fixing yourself for yourself, and finding happiness without being attached to another person.

~asat

[twinmom]

Being alone [censored] at first but after a little while it gets easier. You need to be comfortable being alone before you make any decisions like dating.

Don't rely on someone else for happiness, make yourself happy. (Yea I know it's a million times easier said than done)