~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Approx 4 weeks ago, I convinced myself to drop the rope... to do things that was in line with giving up. I was doing well with it. I was beginning to say NO to him & was starting to truly separate myself from him. AS much as I don't really want to.. I had to ... for my health & sanity.
This offer for family visit is confusing me. Yes, I want to go. Yes, I can go and just BE with his family. Not him.
Some of you suggest that I can go, if I can leave him alone. Yes, I can do this... BUT, is that the only term/condition you suggest I go?... Is there a benefit to me?... if I go? IF I go, does this mean that I am no longer dropping the rope? Letting go? Giving up?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Please recall that I am working really hard on letting go... dropping the rope. What does a person who is letting go, do?
Quote:
She creates a life WITHOUT HIM IN IT. SHE HONORS HIS DECISION TO END THE RELATIONSHIP AND SHE MOVES ON WITHOUT HIM. SHE DOES WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO IN ORDER TO GET ON WITH HER LIFE....WITHOUT HIM. NOT WITH HIM...WITHOUT HIM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You framed the question of should you go or not with only two choices, both of which are about what HE will think about YOU. That is why people say you are obsessed with him and have NOT dropped the rope actually.
The question you should be asking yourself is this one:
Do I want to see and spend some time with these people who going forward are probably going to be less a part of my future life than they were before? Or do I not really feel like seeing and spending time with them right now?
And if you were to frame it around him and what he thinks, it would look like this:
If I go, he will think I want to spend some time with those people. If I do not go, he will think I do not want to spend some time with those people. And who cares what he thinks about that?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
OK MM, Sorry it took this long to answer your questions from 3 pages of posts ago.... I went to my W's families party and enjoyed it because I like the people there, they like me, we had fun. I talked, laughed, tried some home brewed beer, told/heard jokes, had some great food and b-day cake, hung with my D's...pretty much all the things I enjoyed about going before my W left EXCEPT spending time with her! My W was on the other side of the house showing everyone pic's of HER new house, talking about her life without me and it didn't matter a bit. I was there for ME and her grandmother for her birthday. Nothing about the event itself was about my R with my W. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT MY R, EVEN WHEN SHE IS THERE.
This is where you are so missing the point. Everything you do and say is filtered through "How will he feel? How will I feel? How will this affect the R? What signal will I be sending HIM?". No one can answer the question "What would a person who has dropped the rope do?" because everyone is different! We can't give you step by step instructions on "do A and if B happens do C". This all goes back to my FIRST question to you! Answer that question and you have your answer! CAN YOU GO AND HAVE ZERO EXPECTATIONS? The first response was the answer. You are afraid that you will go and the next day you will think maybe he does want a real R. You will once again (still?) hope he is "seeing the light". He took you to his family party, right? He wouldn't do that unless he really, deep inside wanted you back, right? Oh, I went and we had a good time and he was nice to me and actually took a leak with me near him so now that must mean he is buckling and is starting to see how much he really does love me and want me back. If you can't go without even thinking that those things may happen if you go...DON'T GO! You aren't ready!
The other thing that to me says you just aren't ready is how you are wondering what "signals" you are sending by going or not going. MM, until it just doesn't matter to you what he may or may not think about anything you do or don't do you will stay stuck! You cannot control what anyone else thinks about anything! You need to stop caring what he thinks! So what if he thinks he has you where he wants you. As long as that isn't the case let him believe whatever he wants. Stop worrying if he is "just trying to be nice" and you give him the impression that you don't want him back! That is EXACTLY what he needs to think!
You say you have dropped the rope. OK, you have physically dropped the rope but there is more to it. Until you have also stopped having any expectations you haven't completed the process that is "dropping the rope". You are waiting to see how he will react now that the rope has been dropped. Face it MM you are waiting to see what will happen once he understands that you have dropped it! You are hoping that once he realizes that you are no longer there for him to play with when it suits him that he will miss his favorite toy and want it back! If you are really honest with yourself you will see this. It may be only a small part of it but until you can really finish the process and not only drop it but also turn around and face the other direction and not care what he does or how he reacts you will stay stuck where you are right now!
Advina... thank you. Yes, I am concerned about what he will think about me.. .and I know I'm not supposed to care. But, truthfully, I still do. This comes from fear of the 20 years... pretzeling myself to do what I think he wants me to do. I am still doing it.
Matt... thanks for your reply. I can do what you did at your family party. I am not sure if I can go and have ZERO expectations. I know I can hide my feelings while at the party and have a good time. I fear the next day. Not knowing how I will really feel. Knowing me, I will probably be hopeful. But, can squash that down...if need be.
CAN YOU GO AND HAVE ZERO EXPECTATIONS? The first response was the answer. You are afraid that you will go and the next day you will think maybe he does want a real R. You will once again (still?) hope he is "seeing the light". He took you to his family party, right? He wouldn't do that unless he really, deep inside wanted you back, right? ..... yep, I might think this stuff
Oh, I went and we had a good time and he was nice to me and actually took a leak with me near him so now that must mean he is buckling and is starting to see how much he really does love me and want me back..... no, I won't think there is meaning to these types of things.
If you can't go without even thinking that those things may happen if you go...DON'T GO! You aren't ready! .... am I ready or not? I am on the fence.
You need to stop caring what he thinks! .... YES !! I DO!!
So what if he thinks he has you where he wants you. As long as that isn't the case let him believe whatever he wants.... really? this is OK?? THIS IS WHAT I FRET ABOUT!! I never considered, "as long as that isn't the case"...WOW! What a concept!
Stop worrying if he is "just trying to be nice" and you give him the impression that you don't want him back! That is EXACTLY what he needs to think!... and how can he THINK that.. if I go to a family party?... Isn't the position of NOT going, a stronger stance for this case?
You say you have dropped the rope. OK, you have physically dropped the rope but there is more to it.... ok, I will accept this & work harder on it!! (NO EXPECTATIONS... NONE... repeat)
Until you have also stopped having any expectations you haven't completed the process that is "dropping the rope". You are waiting to see how he will react now that the rope has been dropped. Face it MM you are waiting to see what will happen once he understands that you have dropped it! .... hmmm, you may be right.
You are hoping that once he realizes that you are no longer there for him to play with when it suits him that he will miss his favorite toy and want it back! ... It would be nice for him to realize this!! Yes... but do I expect it?... not at all... actually, I would be shocked!
If you are really honest with yourself you will see this. It may be only a small part of it but until you can really finish the process and not only drop it but also turn around and face the other direction and not care what he does or how he reacts you will stay stuck where you are right now!
Matt....why did your wife invite you to the family function?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
MM, I think she invited me because she knows that her family is really MY family as I have no family where we live now. We moved here and away from where I grew up (1600 miles) and for the last 20 years I was a big part of her family and accepted as part. She also (this is mind reading so take it as you will) I think doesn't want to look like she is excluding me or isn't "strong" enough to have me around. She knows that since she left many members of her family have contacted me and told me that I will always be a part of the family to them. Her Aunt and Uncle even invited me to come and stay with them for a "cheap vacation" at their lake house. I also believe that she knows the kids want me there and wouldn't like it if I was purposely excluded. I am as close to her grandmother as if she was my own and she loves me like a grandson and would want to know where I was and my W isn't ready to try and tell her she left. Even in her right mind she wouldn't like what my W has done and would NOT be on her side. She is very old fashioned and doesn't believe in D...let alone D for no real reason!
These people know me very well. They know that I was a good H to her and that she has no real reason to do what she did. Even if she didn't invite me my MIL also called and invited me (although if my W told her not too she probably wouldn't have). With her father, who we didn't spend much time with at all, she can say whatever she wants about me and since he doesn't know me, she can get away with it. With this side of her family she can't do that. They know me. They also know that I stuck by her for the last year after B-day and tried mightily to make the M work. If she told them NOT to allow me to come, she would look petty. Add in that the D is still just starting and she wants me to remain open to an "amicable" settlement and knows that D14 could very well choose to live with me and not her, I'm sure she doesn't want to upset her D.
There is also the fact that when her parents D, her father moved to another state. This left her mother, her brother and her living right next to her in-laws. Her mom kept a close relationship with her in laws (her family was 1600 miles away like mine!)up until they died and she moved to be closer to her family. So, to her this is normal.
The thing is MM, NONE of that matters. I don't know exactly why she invited me and it could be any or all of those things or something else altogether. I didn't once think about "why' she invited me until you asked! All I thought was "Do I want to go?". For me the answer was yes because I like these people and to me they are and forever more will be, family. Of course I did think "can I do this without any expectations?" and the answer was yes. If you can't answer that question and be sure that the answer is yes, you're not ready to go.
MM, I see you are continuing to have a really difficult tie with the concept of "dropping the rope." Perhaps I can suggest a different metaphor that might work a little better for you. It's a Starsky original, actually!
I call it "Stop pulling up the carrots to check on them."
It means you START to do the right things to move on (to plant your carrot seeds, and to begin growing them), but you constantly are just DYING to check to see how they are growing, so you rip them up by the roots!
Obviously, the carrots are still WAY too small (it's only been a few weeks), but now you've lost your small amount of progress, because you've ripped them up and they cannot be replanted.
Stop checking on the carrots -- just let them grow, trusting they will fully germinate and that you'll have yummy, full-grown carrots if you keep watering them (GAL) and feeding them (reading SELF-improvement books, not RELATIONSHIP books) and otherwise leaving them be.
OK Starsky... from that I assume you don't think I should go. To continue on with my journey of dropping the rope & letting him go.
How did I lose any of my progress? I haven't done anything yet, other than look at my carrots/rope? I am not willing to lose any of my progress & that is why I am having a tough time. You suggesting that I am ripping out my carrots, concerns me!!
Here is what I am thinking... at the moment:
Part of me doesn't want to go, because its indulging in his "casual"... I want more than his casual time!
1) Tell him today that I would like to talk to him but not on business time. (This shows boundaries & that business is during business time & personal is on personal time)
2) Calling/texting him & saying: I've been thinking about the family party. You know I'd want to go, but I don't think its a good idea for me to go, right now AND because you said 3 weeks ago that you are concerned that people would think we are back together.
OR
3) Im not sure about going on Saturday because of what "you" said... when he asks... then tell him. And also say, "why is it ok to let family think we are friends, when we are not"....
he will just say "oh, ok"... to all of this
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ALSO... how can I keep a business attitude with him & then be socializing at a family function? This confuses me. Everyone says, separate the two...??? How?
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/17/1406:48 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
he wants you to move on. he wants you to realize its been over since 2 summers ago. he wants to be friendly without you misinterpreting it to mean he wants a relationship. he wants you to stop the R talk. he wants you to know he doesnt want a R with you. he wants to work together and give you coffee, which is just coffee and not an offer of reconciliation in a Tim Hortons cup. he wants you to stop thinking "he's not ready" or "confused" or going to change his mind.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
1) Tell him today that I would like to talk to him but not on business time. (This shows boundaries & that business is during business time & personal is on personal time)
2) Calling/texting him & saying: I've been thinking about the family party. You know I'd want to go, but I don't think its a good idea for me to go, right now AND because you said 3 weeks ago that you are concerned that people would think we are back together.
OR
3) Im not sure about going on Saturday because of what "you" said... when he asks... then tell him. And also say, "why is it ok to let family think we are friends, when we are not"....
No, no and no.
they're all manipulative, and designed to make him feel guilty, and to reiterate that you still want a relationship, and to insinuate that you think he's going to eventually change his mind or come to his senses.
"right now" - stop saying and thinking "right now". this indicates you're still gripping that rope.
if you dont want to go to the party, all you need to say is "thanks for the invite, but i cant make it" and then leave it at that.
but instead you're insisting on using it as an excuse to get into R talk.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
