To sum up where I am today: I'm dark with H (would rather be NC, but I am completely dependent on him for money--- long story short, I'm in the middle of a career change. He convinced me it was a good time to quit teaching and go back to school right before he walked out. He has followed through with money, so I'm okay on that end.)
I knew about A and OW back in Dec. but, I found a note last week in the car he gave me that proves he was lying to me about where he has been living for 7 months. I allowed myself to backslide emotionally and felt like BD all over again. I decided that was IT for me, even though I "dropped the rope" back in June. Nope! I was still pulling on it a bit. NOW it's dropped.
He told me back in June he was never coming home. I denied his request to remain friends, and he has been pursuing me ever since. He comes up with any and every excuse to drop by the house. I find any and every reason to deny that request.
After I found the note, I told him about it and told him I'm disappearing for an indefinite amount of time. So far he has respected my request for space, but he will need to give me more money each month- I asked him to just mail the checks and he got angry (does this sound like someone who never intended to come home? Not to mention he left all of his stuff here... Weirdo.)
ANYWAY: my question for the vets or anyone else with experience here::::::
I would like to remain dark/NC for a looooooooooooong time. I love him, but it don't like him right now. I knew about the affair, but the note made something "snap" inside. I can't explain it. I have felt much more at peace since I told him I needed space.
I took my power back.
I'm about to start back with my classes in August. My program is unbelievably intense. It would be great to not be distracted by H's crazy making for a few months.
Is this appropriate?? I don't miss him at all. I don't want to see him, at least not now. Is this "punishing" him? I did it for MY sanity.
How do I leave things open for R while doing dark/NC?
Up until now, he has had NO experience of loss. I have been unbelievable loving and patient- letting him control contact and allowing him to come over whenever. This dark/NC is a 180 for our current sitch.
How long is it appropriate for me to keep this up??? Is there even an answer for that?
Yes, I've read DR. It's still confusing.
Any help is appreciated!!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Going dark is for you. I don't think you are punishing him at all. You are doing this to help yourself. Now, I know not to believe what they say, however your h said he was not coming back. And you are living like he's not coming back.
I think you are doing the right thing. I mean, what exactly is there to * talk * about with your h right now? :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I was hoping this was ok. I *feel* like it was ok! but I just needed some advice.
Believe nothing of what they say, and only half of what they do: says he's not coming back, but left All Of his belongings here (took about half of his clothes- gradually over the last 7 months). Has to come by every few weeks to get tools, but then replaces the tools he took the last time.
Well, as of yesterday all of his belongings are in storage boxes in the garage. I'm not telling him, he can figure it out on his own (the boxes blend in with all of his other stuff- you really can barely tell they're there.)
Weirdo.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Have you read my welcome post here and done all the homework. I can re-post it to you if you have not or if you just want it on your thread for reference.
Welcome artsy, I too was in the middle of a career change and had just started working at a startup where it would take a couple years before I started to make really good money. Just 2 months after I talked this out with my W and she was all for it, she makes enough to get us through, she has my back, she bombs me and says she wants a D (after 20 years, most of which she didn't work and I made all the money)and isn't even willing to try. She left me with $200 in the bank and no way to pay the bills and with my D14 and D19 living with me! You are lucky that he is willing to take care of the money end! Just be careful with MLC he may just decide one day that he isn't willing to take care of the finances. I would protect myself if I were you, just as a precaution.
Things will start to get better. Post often and let us know what's happening!
Cadet- I've already done the homework, but if you could please just post them for my reference, I would appreciate it. Thank you!!
Lois- can I borrow a helmet?
Matt- I've got myself covered until I can get a full time job (at least I think!). Thanks for the advice, though!!! Sorry you're in a similar situation.
This website has been extremely helpful! Glad to "meet" you all
Last edited by artsy; 07/17/1410:28 PM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
H emailed today. He asked if he could come and get some tools from the garage. I was neighborly friendly and told him of course.
He then told me he thinks about me all the time and that I'm the kindest person he knows...uh, thanks?!?
I met with a minister friend today. He is counseling me through this. I have work to do in regards to forgiveness. He's right. I have said I forgave H a long time ago, but clearly my reaction to the letter says otherwise. Perhaps that's why I found the letter???? Hmmmmmmm.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
