I read the post regarding "why not cheat" and I have very mixed feelings about that. I struggle with guilt about having made a promise ten years ago on the day I married my wife, and am terrified of the impact to our 2 children.
However, having experienced over 6 months of involuntary abstinance, and with a ready opportunity (I am attracted to OW who has clearly expressed an attraction to me) I am very tempted. W and I have never been overly passionate, averaging once per week in the best of times, but this has gone on too long. I feel that the only reason that I have not taken the step is my fear of getting caught, which is a very real risk given that the OW is a friend of W.
I have raised my concerns, but W expresses her lack of desire as "just going through a difficult period," and believes that any affection from me is rooted only in my desire to have sex. I have reached a point of total frustration, and now constantly fantisize about OW to a point of distraction.
Thanks for your thoughts, but of course that was not what I wanted to hear. So the fact that W invited OW over for dinner tonight might be problematic. More background is that OW is unhappily married to a friend of mine. Yes, daytime Soap Operas have nothing on us.
The stuff that W is going through connects to deep seated scars from childhood (nothing vile like sexual abuse, just ego bashing and manipulation), if you look up co-dependency in the dictionary, you will see a picture of her family. I want to support her healing, but three years seems a bit excessive. Ironically, most of our friends and family view us as an ideal couple, so the stuff that is going well is plentiful.
So I remain stuck in my dilemma, wish me well tonight.
Tater, Unfortunately, I'll be giving you more of what you don't want to hear. I'm the betrayed spouse and I cannot begin to describe what I went through after confirming H's A. It's been 7 months and I am still having a difficult time. I'm sure you've read a lot about these in the other threads.
I feel that you should work within your marriage to find solutions because the "solutions" outside of your marriage are NOT solutions at all. LL is right -- maybe you should find ways of getting closer to your W that don't involve being physical. Have you read DB or DR and listed your goals? They might help you get more focused.
If OW is considering a PA with you then she is not a "friend" of your W. If you are considering a PA with OW then you are not a "friend" of her H.
Friends do not take action that will hurt each other and believe me ALL FOUR of you will get hurt. You are going through some things in your marriage right now that are causing you unhappiness and pain but if you want to stay in your marriage please try everything you can before you look outside it to "solve" your problems.
Have your read DR or The Sex Starved Marriage?
You will find understanding and support here BUT you will not find justification for having an affair EVER
Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that you were the one going through a difficult period and instead of being supportive of you, your W goes and have an A with a 'friend' of yours. How would you feel? I am sure that an A will cause more damage to your M. Unless you don't love your W anymore and want out, don't even consider it and your children will definitely be very hurt and remember that fantasies usually turn out better than reality. And even if in reality you may enjoy yourself for a while with OW (if not found out), will you be able to live with the guilt? Think very, very carefully before you act and if you still feel like going ahead then be prepared to face the consequences. Sorry, this is just more of what you don't want to hear but perhaps you need something like this to get you back to reality. LH
You say you have spoken to your wife and told her that you are on the verge of an affair? My husband asked me to come and visit him when he was working overseas, but I was busy with university and was sure that he'd never give another woman a glance.Well the first woman who came along and took his flirting seriousaly ended up having an affair with him. She was single and her husband left her for another woman so she just moved in and she and my H "played house" for three months. You can not imagine the pain his indiscretion caused our family and ultimately her family too. We are close now but it has taken three years of hard work to connect again. By the way before he left to work overseas I refused sex with him because I was so resentful of him working such long hours. Do not have an affair.. talk to her... tell her the truth!
