I understand exactly how you feel. I have had nothing but positive moves from H for over a month now, and I still feel uncertain. In April, OW was the only woman who could make him happy. Now her name is not mentioned, and H is strongly at home. However, I still wonder what happened to those feelings. H continues to work with OW as well, and it does bother me every single day. I am hoping time will help heal those wounds. You can't do a thing about the clinging, the lying. You can only do things about you. Learn to belly dance (if you find a good instructional video, let us know. It looks fun) and take the positive. Don't invent the negative. STOP looking at the cell phone bill. Take what he says at face value. Although I struggle constantly with the need for reassurance, I don't ask for it, I don't bring up OW (most of the time - I did last night, and regretted it). Eventually, that flame will run it's course.
Hi, Finally found your post. Thanks for helping me. I have a couple of suggestions for you. Read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson and the journaling is good only if you are going to litigate. I did it and it made it worse. The worse thing I did was hire a PI. She felt very justified in snooping in my office and reading my therapist notes since I had hired a PI. I would rec that you keep some venting notes and therapist notes to make the most out of your therapy sessions. I have had so many people tell me my W is mentally ill based on her actions and I believe she is bipolar. The gun thing is scary. Get rid of the gun period. Take it to your local sheriff's office. The chances of one of you coming to harm from the gun are much greater than any criminal busting in your house. I also would consider the aging parents issue when disposing of the gun. Good Luck
I know you do. I've kept up with your thread for months now and I see the same sort of struggle you've been enduring, (except you've shown a bit more grace and poise).
Yesterday, I went for my first session with a shrink and he has started me on Lexapro, the latest in the world of anti-depressants. I hope I can tolerate it. I really didn't want to go down that road, but I have reached the wall and don't see how I'm going to be able to pull myself out of this clinical depression I now find myself in.
I was also disappointed to find that I'm still only 96lbs. Yes, I've been eating....
As soon as I find a good instructional video/DVD on belly dancing, I will let you know. I think it will be a source of good exercise, as well as a lot of fun.
Thanks for dropping by my thread. I appreciate it.
Quote: the journaling is good only if you are going to litigate
I'm sure you're right. However, writing is something that I have always done. It keeps me from diving over the edge. I right all kinds of things in it, like how I'm feeling , goals and concerns, events and conversations and a general log of the days events. I'm not looking to use my journal against H, I just need it for my own sake.
The problem comes when I open the phone bills and start looking at the log then go back and compare that with what happened on that day in my journal. That is where I tend to torment myself and that is where I need to get a grip.
chapter 1 of DR is "start with a beginner's mind". It's hard, but you just have to take it at face value. With H's company picnic, I freaked out that he could spend an entire afternoon with OW, and I would be elsewhere, but you know what? He could be goofing around all day long, and I would be none the wiser. I am happier if I don't know, and just take it day at a time. One day at a time. P.S. I'll mail you 30 pounds, okay?
To watch my H lately, you'd think I'd be calm and happy. Oh but no! I've been so angry lately. I seem to be swirling in a cloud of rage. I keep trying to redirect my energies but am unable to sustain a change.
I try to hide this from H as much as possible, however, I think some of it squeezes out around the edges.
I know this sounds awful, but I actually have violent thoughts running rampant in my head at times. Sometimes it is directed at him, sometimes at OW.
Yesterday, when my H called to tell me that he had to work late, my heart started thumping so hard in my chest I had to lie down. Right now my palms are sweating.
Oh well, perhaps it is part of the depression/anxiety thing.
To watch my H lately, you'd think I'd be calm and happy. Oh but no! I've been so angry lately. I seem to be swirling in a cloud of rage. I keep trying to redirect my energies but am unable to sustain a change.
I don't think this is unusual or unexpected at all. It wasn't THAT long ago that you and h revisited the subject of ow, right?
Quote: I know this sounds awful, but I actually have violent thoughts running rampant in my head at times. Sometimes it is directed at him, sometimes at OW.
Guilty as charged, too! It's weird, though, that I don't think I've really ever had the thoughts directed at my h. (he may be relieved to hear that! ). It's always been about doing something bad to ow.
Quote: Yesterday, when my H called to tell me that he had to work late, my heart started thumping so hard in my chest I had to lie down. Right now my palms are sweating.
Ah, hon. I'm sorry. Still taking the SAM-E? Are you meditating at all? Eating? My anxiety period passed after a few days (the constant anxiety) and now only returns occasionally. Stay strong. I know you'll get there!
Quote: Just journeling and whining.
Jeannine
Journeling, yup. whining? never!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks Sage, for validating my not-so-lovely feelings.
Yes, I'm still taking the SamE, however, it can take up to two weeks to do it's job. Due to the fact that I seem to be hanging from the ceiling most of the time now, it could take longer. I will keep you posted.
I know that this kinda sounds funny but what helped me through some of the anxiety and that knot that you get in your stomach. Was positive afformations(sp). While I was in the car i would nod my head yes and say "i'm good enough, im stong enough. i can do this." I would say that it would help to calm the nervs a little bit.
