I am Lost

[ILMWF]

My story is much the same as everyone here. My wife probably felt neglected and a military man she worked with paid her more attention than he should have. I have been at this now for more than two years. The Affair started as most an EA then went to an PA. The military member was reassigned back to the states in July 2012. Since then the emails have been on and off but mostly on. I have seen some of them by mistake a couple of times and they quite frankly disgust me. My wife is in a MLC and she is also in denial. Makes no difference what I do she objects to it and says I am trying to control her. I have never tried to control anyone little lone my very stubborn and strong willed wife. She at times makes no sense and also looks like someone I have never know in my life. Some of the stuff out of her mouth seems to be coming from someone I have never met. My question and need for help is this. I have changed drastically since I discovered the affair. I pay a lot more attention to her with such things as nice long massages and back rubs. She refuses to say ILY and a Long kiss is out of the question. she says she likes only a peck on the lips or cheek. I am doing a lot of other things to help resolve our relationship problems but she seems to be doing nothing but to continue emailing this man. Should I completely stop all the nice things I am doing even though it is who I really am. What does it mean to go dark. My 180 has been to treat her as nice as I can and be a much better man than I was before. Is this the correct path?

Please help

Thank You

[Fartiltre]

ILMWF,

Sorry to find you here! You are in the right place...

I am not the one to judge if you are on the correct path! YOU and only you can do this.

Try this:
Imagine that you are not you, but your own best friend! What advice would you give then? What would you tell your friend?
If you read your own story in a newspaper or a magazine what would you think of the guy living it?

All the best!
F

[recng]

So your wife is basically having an EA (sometimes PA) basically right in front of you and your response is to treat her extra nice? Do you think she's going to respect you for that?

Read through sandi2's 37 rules and start there.

[Ben2010]

^^^^^^ I would also agree. I wouldnt do anything for her that is above and beyond.

[Meghan]

ILMWF,

Imagine that you are not you, but your own best friend! What advice would you give then? What would you tell your friend?
If you read your own story in a newspaper or a magazine what would you think of the guy living it?

F

A friend and my IC both suggested this approach to me last night, and I found it an interesting approach (when I can remember to do it). Thinking as a third party seems to make it a bit easier to detach and see the bigger picture a bit more.

[ILMWF]

I think maybe I am giving the wrong impression on what it is that I am doing. First and foremost if you look at my signature it stands for "I Love My Wife Forever". I fell in love with my wife the first time I saw her and have been in love with her ever since. I am on this blog to get help in understanding what the 180 is and the other methods I am reading about here. If I were my friend I would tell me that if you love this woman then you first need to change the things you did wrong and show her how much you really love her. I feel that if I don't show her my true love then it will end in divorce. I am also certain that she will never end up with this home wrecking bastard that she had is having the EA with. One of the things that happened during our marriage was that I was very distant when she needed me and I am in the process of fixing that. I do not do anything for her unless she ask. All the stuff I am doing is to make me a better husband and father to my children. I have stopped being sooooo tied to work that nothing else mattered and I have started working on my relationship with my daughters and son. I work out now to make me stronger physically and I try to accommodate my wife when it is possible. I have not just stood by while she is having and EA with this man. I have tried everything possible and she is like I said also in a midlife crisis and it is like talking to a stone wall. I need help with both areas. I want my wife to want to be with me and love only me if she cannot then fine she can leave and never return. I am very sure that if she ever has physical contact again I will throw her out of the house and leave her to take care of herself. Japanese law on divorce is very simple he who committed the crime has no say in the divorce. Someone please just tell me how do I help my wife through the midlife and the cake eating she is currently doing. Do i just ignore her or do i support her as she needs it.

[Riley]

ILMWF,

Read Sandi's 37 rules my friend. We need to know as much as we can about your situation so we can get a better grasp to assist you through this difficult time.

I do not have a S going through a MLC but consider this; When we get in a fight with a friend we shout and get loud and stomp out of the room and disappear for a week or two and cool off right? What do we do when we are married? We get in a fight, we shout and get loud and stomp out of the room and instead of cooling off we say "No, take me back I love you and I'll change!!"

The change, your 180s, the complete opposite of what you were doing needs to be that. It also needs to be for YOU. Your goal cannot be to "lure" your W back and go back into the same habits. YOU need to realize her complaints in the past, her frustrations with you and YOU have to want it for yourself. It is possible a S can "smell" bait, you will have to keep these changes for a VERY long time. Your S may even run tests on you to see if you will "crack."

I know it sounds discouraging, but reread this when you are on a higher level of detachment. The sooner you can follow Sandi's list the better. Also, the sooner you can ground yourself and focus on you the better you will feel and the more attractive you will be in S's eyes.

Its a tough road, but if you stick with it you will be a better you whether she comes back or not.

[pilot]

Welcome, and do not ever take offense to advice given on these forums. A lot of people have walked in your very shoes and will commonly give you a "2x4 to the head" in the form of tough love or tough advice. But have faith that everyone who participates really has your best interest at heart.

I see where you said what your name stands for. I applaud that, as I am sure most others here will too. We are all here because we love our spouses enough to endure the pain they are causing, many times through infidelity.

Understand that the entire concept of Divorce Busting (DB) is counter intuitive to what feels right or we feel we should do. But read through these postings and you will see that following the steps outlined in DB really can produce results in situations which looked hopeless.

In your situation, you say you have been at it for 2 years. In those 2 years, do you think you have made progress doing what you have been doing? Have the massages and back rubs worked at getting her to forget about the other guy? My point is you are still giving your wife everything. Under normal circumstances that is great. But this is not a normal circumstance. Remember, you CANNOT make her change. You can only change YOURSELF. And by changing yourself, you can change the way she views you and by that change the way she treats you. Right now she has zero reason to treat you any different than she is now, and she has zero reason to end her affair. Why? Because she knows she can keep doing what she is doing and you will still be there. For her to reevaluate how she treats you and how she feels about you, she has to believe you are willing to/or have moved on. And it is tough. It goes against everything you FEEL you want to do to keep your marriage alive.

Remember, you are not dealing with a rational person. She is in a fog...and in this fog she cannot see things clearly, nor thing things clearly through. The ONLY way you will end the cycle you are in, is for you to detach. That does not mean quit loving her. It means quit being a doormat. It means quit letting her have her cake and eat it too. She has to be faced with the harsh realities of her actions. It will not happen overnight. This will take time. And during this time is when you work on improving yourself. It seems you have already started which is good. But unless you detach, she will never feel any pressure to change her behavior. She is getting the best of both worlds right now.

You have set a very clear boundary of no more PA. While I believe you, do you think she does? After all, she has carried this affair on for years and all you have done is give her backrubs as a reward.

I do not know if you have read DR or DB yet, but i would strongly consider doing so if you have not. I would also consider the Last Resort Technique given your current situation. My W also had and A and swore up and down there was no hope of us ever working things out. We have been separated for about 7 weeks or so, and during that time I used the LRT and had no contact with her except things related to the kids. I worked on my 180s, and went out and got a life, and more importantly, I detached. I detached to the point of indifference. It helped me get through my days...whereas before I was a complete emotional wreck. My W noticed, she noticed the no contact, and after 7 weeks, she has been very proactive in contacting me, being very friendly, and I feel I am making progress. I never stopped loving my wife a single bit. But I knew from reading other stories here of similar situations, that my best chance at saving my marriage was basically to convince her I was willing to walk away from it.

I hope you stick around, and post frequently. People will chime in with advice and support. This place really has been a Godsend for me, and many others. It is a great support group and in many ways, therapy.

Best of luck to you!

[ILMWF]

pilot, Thank You so much this is exactly what I am here for and I have a very thick skin and will not get upset with any answer from this community. I just find it very difficult to explain what I've been doing. This all started about the same time we had to admit our daughter to rehab and my wife had to quit her job of twenty some years to take care of our daughter after rehab. The rehab cost was extremely expensive but both my wife and I agree that it saved pour daughters life and was worth every penny we spent. The military member she got involved with was a real terrible person but due to the fog my wife cannot see who he really is. However lately she has been coming around and admitting he is not a very good person. When he was assigned to my wife unit he ask if she was married and the guy told him she was. I was told that this bad person then said I'll F*** her anyway. I have since determined the person is more than likely a narcissist or a sociopath and has no empathy for his fellow man. But that is too much about someone who does not matter. Basically I have made great strides in showing my wife she is responsible for her actions and that I cannot and will not accept the blame for her actions. I have made a vast improvement in the way I look at what the outcome of all this can be. I have decided that my wife must want our marriage and if she doesn't then so be it. In either case I am a better man than before. I have a lot more control and I have become a very good listener for my wife as well as my children. I also know that no matter what I am fixing me for me not as a bait to lure my wife back to a marriage she may really not want to be in any more. if that is the case I've told her she can leave at anytime she chooses. So far she has chose to stay. I personally think all this has more to due with her midlife than anything else. So while she is eating her cake I am being the faithful husband and if it does work out fine if it does not then I know I am a much better father and companion.

[ILMWF]

Since I have posted the basic story maybe some one can give me some advice. If I wanted I could contact this military persons command and they more than likely will charge him with adultery and he can be thrown out of the military which in my opinion he deserves. However I feel that he is not the real problem. The real problem was the effort I put into my work and did not pay attention to my wife for a lot of years during our marriage. By doing what I need to do and improve myself I am now a much better husband and I give a lot more time to my children and their happiness. Is this the way I should be doing or is there something I am missing. My wife has commented on the changes and in fact she cannot believe the amount of change I have made. She does not seem to understand that the changes are for me and our children and if she wants to continue this EA I am fine with that and she can leave anytime she is ready. I see a lot of hesitancy in her now that went from a sure thing she was leaving to well maybe this other guy is not that great. What do you all think am I on the right track?