Waw at home / kid situation

[ManHope]

We have been separated for 8 months. We sleep in separate beds at the same house and both our boy(5) and our girl(8) don't know anything. They still think I sleep in my room. They notice tension sometimes but they don't know yet.

As we go along, my wife tries to initiate outings in which I am not included and the kids just think I have to work or busy doing stuff at the house. She basically pushes to lie to them and I feel if I don't go along with it, it will create a fight.

As time passes by, I am afraid the kids are starting to think that having mommy and daddy (separate) days are the normal thing to do. My wife keeps on saying she thinks the kids should know our situation so we don't keep on lying to them. I feel this will create an even more hostile environment as the kids will then ask more questions and will start feeling the wrath of separation.

Should I continue lying to avoid confrontation with my waw?

[sandi2]

If you continue living this lie...and living by her rules, where do you see it ending? Where do you see it a year from now? What if this continues till the boys are in high school? Is this now you want to spend your life?

[ManHope]

Of course, I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life like this. She claims she is still going through the divorce soon and has mentioned we should tell the kids.

I broke one of her rules the past two days. I went to sleep in my bed, next to her after she fell asleep. I got tired of sleeping on the couch.

She just made a small comment the next day that she is not ok with what I am doing but I changed the subject and we went on. She was fine but I know the convo may come up again.

So in sum I am very puzzled about what "rules" to break.
Some people tell me I shouldn't be a doormat. And standing up for myself in some cases may create a hostile situation as she will be angry.

[ManHope]

I always hear that everything should be measured by "how is this going to help the marriage" and it seems arguing or making her upset may not be pro active. This is why it is hard to make those calls

[rayzzz]

We have been separated for 8 months. We sleep in separate beds at the same house and both our boy(5) and our girl(8) don't know anything. They still think I sleep in my room. They notice tension sometimes but they don't know yet.

This was my life for the past three months. They know. Trust me. I know my D8 was so relieved when we sat the kids down and disclosed .
We worked on a great script you CANNOT BREAK. When you share why you are separating as kids need you to be their security in this time.
You do them NO FAVORS by living a lie. The kids are still processing but have more peace. I especially said that in separation:" Daddy is going to work really hard to be a better friend to Mommy" reinforcing my commitment to our family.
Now I am working hard to win my wife back and have not given up.
Do the manly loving thing for your family and don't give up the fight either.

[ManHope]

I think wether we plan it or not, the kids will end up finding out it is me who is "working to be a better friend/husband" to mommy while she is not.

It will cause them to see her in a different light. Don't you think?

[rayzzz]

It will cause them to see her in a different light. Don't you think?

I think it reinforced to my kids that Daddy doesnt hate mommy so they felt more secure that we are a family still...even though we look different, live in different houses. Again you dont need to say that, it was what I needed to say and it turned out good...well as good as it gets. Kids never raised anything after that. Disclosure while hard will make everyone feel better...even you as it will all be out in the open and then you can show your kids how a man wins back his wife...4Cs Calm Cool, Collected, Confident. You can be the man only a fool would leave. Got your back.

[pilot]

I broke one of her rules the past two days. I went to sleep in my bed, next to her after she fell asleep. I got tired of sleeping on the couch.

She just made a small comment the next day that she is not ok with what I am doing but I changed the subject and we went on. She was fine but I know the convo may come up again.

If she wants the divorce, and does not want to sleep in the same bed as you, she should be on the couch. You are not going to win brownie points for being the gentleman.

[Riley]

Man hope,

Life is all about respect, so the least you can do is respect yourself and stand up for yourself. If you don't agree with the things she says, say so. Don't let her take advantage, you're the man of the house.

[sandi2]

I agree with Riley. She is going through with it, and becoming her doormat will not change her mind. However, standing up to her and being your own man might just get your self respect back......and who knows, maybe her respect as well.

You think you're doing the kids a favor by not showing them how a man should handle this type of stitch? They see their dad following mom's rules and walking around scared he will upset her.