back in the game

[lionhrt]

Hi,

It's been a long time since I last posted on newcomers...around 12 months ago! But I have still been keeping an eye on the boards every few weeks.

A while back I decided I really needed a change to my approach. I found myself still caught up in the rollercoaster, not fully detached and if I am honest, still viewed this as a temporary situation (albeit a long one) where eventually W would come back to me and all would be a bed of roses.

In short I needed a break, needed to get away from posting on the boards to truly focus on moving forwards with a life without W and not in this limbo state where I was doing all the GAL stuff and 180's, but still not accepting the M was possibly over for good.

I needed to drop the rope!

So the last 12 months it is exactly what I have done. No more cosy chats with W at pick ups and drop-offs of S, keep polite, keep positive but accepting that W is not coming back and keep the R firmly on a neighbourly type of footing. I basically pulled right back.

I had to do it to preserve my sanity and within weeks I felt more relaxed and like the world was lifted off my shoulders.

About April this year I notice some changes:

W trying to tell me more at pick ups, however, S is so excited to go and do our things together that it has become difficult to stay and talk. She then started commenting that we don't get time to talk anymore and has said this now on a number of occasions. I usually respond by saying you know how to get hold of me and keep it at that.

On S birthday I arranged a part for S on the weekend I had him. W didn't organise anything for the actually day but invited me around to spend the evening with them both. I played with S, took control and got him bathed and put him to bed. W followed us around the whole time and commented how nice it was to have someone just takeover. Later we have a coffee and W spends about 1.5 hours updating me on stuff (I couldn't get a word in!)....then gets onto what I believe is the cause of her MLC...abandonment issues. When she was young, her father died and her mother from what it seems had some sort of breakdown and basically ignored the kids. W has never forgiven her and in the year or so before BD was obsessed with this.

I did the wrong thing initially by trying to fix it, realised what I was doing and quickly moved to shutting my mouth and validating.

She always comes to the end of the driveway to wave me and S off, (initially she used to just go in and close the door as soon as we got in the car, we did have a short spell of hugs etc early post her leaving but that fizzed out).

Her texts started to be more friendly. I know I can't read into this but instead of simple texts to that keep to the point she now starts with Hi(my name) etc and even makes jokes. I vary times between texting back and still don't initiate contact, no R talk etc.

But...about 4 weeks ago she texted me saying we needed to talk about divorce and new relationships. Only the 2nd time she mentioned the big D in all this time! I replied saying fine just let me know when is convenient, she said she would and I have not heard back. It did catch me off guard a bit though!

Whilst I have read so much on MLC I am not sure now how to handle the current sitch. Do I carry on as I am, am I thinking too much into this or do I need to stop dropping the rope (its been about 12 months, sitch now nearly 2 years) and start to work on building a connection with her again.

Any help is appreciated and as always thanks to all who post on these boards and give up their time to give advice.

Best wishes

[Roberta]

I am sorry to see you back on the online community. However, this is a great resource. At this point I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Too many unknowns for too many years. You need professional advice and a plan for the future of your marriage and your family unit. Please call me to discuss the Divorce Busting Coaching program. 303-444-7004

[ForeverYoung]

Hey Rky!

Well this is quite interesting. I was recently (as in just THIS week!) wondering how you’ve been doing. I’m glad you dropped in, buddy.

What do you want? Although you didn’t come out and say it, I’m reading that you’re open to R.

You can’t avoid relationship talks forever, (I initiated one this week, after a year!) and no matter if you guys are moving towards D or new M, you’ll need a good connection since you share a child. So I say definitely work on building that connection with her… and see where it goes.

[lionhrt]

Hey FY, its been a long time! thanks for stopping by

I have kept looking in on your sitch....we were warned this was a long haul!

"What do you want? Although you didn’t come out and say it, I’m reading that you’re open to R".

Even though I took a break from the boards and dropped the rope, I never stopped the process, still working on me, still looking at ways to better myself etc. So yes, I am open to R, I think the main difference now is that rather than accepting anything to make the M work (which I probably would have done a while back), if W wants me she is going to have to put in her work as well. But that is all hypothetical at the moment as I think we are far away from R, in fact D is the more likely option at the moment.

"You can’t avoid relationship talks forever, (I initiated one this week, after a year!)"
True, but I am still keeping to the process, if she wants me she can initiate the R talks, if she wants D she can initiate the process. Unless of course I am through, in which case I will file. I am keeping all pressure off, getting on with my life and watching the soap opera from a distance.

"and no matter if you guys are moving towards D or new M, you’ll need a good connection since you share a child"

The co-parenting thing is working well, we will always have a connection where kids are concerned and throughout the process I have focussed on myself and S (except perhaps the blip where I actually considered moving abroad for 12mths! Glad I saw sense on that one!). If anything I am starting to have some concerns over time W spends with S, but I do what's within my control and make my time with him as precious and enjoyable as possible.

I think my main issue is not being sure how I realise when she is starting to see sense. There have been signs where I think she is coming out of replay, but she is fighting it! Some weekends she looks dreadful, greasy hair, PJ's on, basically dead beat, others its like she has taken happy pills! She has also reconnected with relatives she has not seen for ages. Even just today was showing off my new (toned) body to her nephew who was around when I picked S up. The other week I had slept in my contact lenses and one of my eyes was red, the fuss she made over me when I picked S up was way OTT!

My guess is she has been in MLC now for around 3 years as with hindsight the signs were there way before BD!

So, in short yes, I want R, but I no longer fear D and a life without W. But I suppose am wary of trying to build a connection for fear of getting my fingers burned! and I also want to keep any pressure completely off.

BTY FY, I am sending you a purple heart for initiating the R talk you are a braver man than me!

[AJM]

rkyfat - you may want to take Roberta up on that offer. The time seems about right if you haven't talked to somebody like that already.

AJ

[lionhrt]

Thanks AJ,

I did have a coach very early post BD when W was at her worst and I was at mine . I was fast tracking to D and it was 25 who jumped in to put the brakes on! It did help stabilise the situation and gave me a plan for moving forwards. When you say the time seems about right what do you mean if u don't mind me asking?

Thanks

[AJM]

Well, it seems you're at a cross-roads in the journey. A touch point with a counsellor may be a helpful interaction. If nothing else, it could help to clarify your thoughts and feelings to yourself.

Whilst I have read so much on MLC I am not sure now how to handle the current sitch. Do I carry on as I am, am I thinking too much into this or do I need to stop dropping the rope (its been about 12 months, sitch now nearly 2 years) and start to work on building a connection with her again.

When I was a younger man, I didn't think I needed so much help. As I am older now (than I was), I realize that it helps to have as much input as I can get. Not that I'm not certain of myself or my feelings, but rather it seems helpful to gain input from various areas of my life.

Make sense?

AJ

[lionhrt]

Thanks AJ it makes a lot of sense. It has taken me so long to get to a stage where I feel like I'm properly detaching (so much longer than it seems to take others) that I'm scared in truth of even opening myself up to a connection! So it's not just the decision it's seeing through the decision. So yes some sessions are the best way forwards

[AJM]

It has taken me so long to get to a stage where I feel like I'm properly detaching (so much longer than it seems to take others) that I'm scared in truth of even opening myself up to a connection! So it's not just the decision it's seeing through the decision. So yes some sessions are the best way forwards

People have asked me why I come back and post. All these years have gone by, "he must be stuck" some might say.

One of the things I've found very helpful to me are the people that, out of the kindness of their hearts (I assume) come back and post about their post-divorce lives. People that we've seen and known on these boards over the years. What I also find is that we sometimes are looking to others to understand what "normal" is and get upset or anxious if we aren't on that track. We even get upset at those that are "taking too long" to get over it.

Let's face it, it's traumatic. I was 6 years a US Marine, my mother died when I was 16 after a two-year illness, my father head a major heart-attack during her illness and almost died, and so on... You can either say that I'm unlucky to know or you could say, that's life.

My mother was an only child. My grandfather was in the early stages of alzheimers when BD came about. My ex's nephew had just committed suicide, my mil was off the deep-end, and my job was being threatened. I live 3K miles from family.

Just after my Grandfather died, my sister was diagnosed with brain and spinal cancer.

What I'm getting at, is that there is stress if you look at it that way. Or it's just life.

What I also find is that online in venues such as this we sometimes hear the positives and think that this person or that person has it all together. Much like watching stories on TV, we watch people have fascinating and exciting and positive lives. The american dream is to watch somebody that was decimated and squished under the heel of the oppressive, but fought, clawed, and scratched their way back to a strong and vibrant "winner". It's even harder for woman of today, if you ask me. Very confusing and contradictory messages are sent out via various media types.

Are the people wrong? Are they miserable? Are they "hiding" something?

Or could it be that by nature, written, visual and auditory stories will project a life we want it to project. It's how we choose to "tell our story". To others, it appears we have it together and life is a bed of roses.

But coming back here and talking to people who have seen similar, be exposed to similar, and really digging in, we find the real pain of the days after. We are not comparing ourselves to others but rather telling our own story. And sometimes being ripped apart for it (that's ok, BTW). What we really get to do is to help those that have just begun this trip to see that the feelings and thoughts they have are OK although we may need to challenge them so they don't get too deeply ingrained as the real story of that persons life. Not that it isn't part of their life, but it's just one aspect.

And that's what it really comes back to. What is and has happened to you is just one aspect of your life, Matt. Try not to get caught up in seeing other people's posts and assuming they have moved on and are happy and carefree. They may no longer obsess about fixing things (first reaction to the pain, right?) and they may have found better scoping skills, but I guarantee you they all have scars and memories that are still there. They have just found a way to deal with it that works for them.

I won't downplay the position you're in. We're suggesting that you put your already burned hand in the fire for another round. At least on the surface that's what it seems like, no?

Many of us have been there and know it's hard. Know it hurts and is harder than letting them go. It really is easier to blame them, find ways to dislike them and soothe our egos and walk off into the sunset. Later we'll have a few drinks and pick ourselves up by our boot straps to live out the American dream, right?

Don't let the stories fool you. It's not the whole picture and it's not you that you're looking at. Talking to the counselor can help clarify those feelings and chop that mountain down to a mole hill. You deserve that and this is a great time to cross that bridge.

AJ