I occasionally come back here to read, comment and post as I carry on in my new life journey. It's still quite reassuring to see that we're all going through the motions of this and how it's completely changed our lives. Our choices is to keep moving forward and grow, or just stay stuck and sulk. I guess you could say I've done all of that along the way. It's ok to do that! Just always pick yourself up and dust yourself off!
So about 2 weeks ago, we got word the EX has now married the OW. They ran off the Vegas and apparently told everyone on the way back to town from the airport.
Breaking the news brought about a 9.5 on the Richter scale with D14. Upon picking up the girls for his weekend, he launched into telling the girls that he had been on vacation for the last week and decided to go to Vegas. He talked about things he saw, things he did, and then literally said "we really were going to have a Halloween ceremony at the end of the year, but we decided to have an Elvis Drive through ceremony instead". Then proceeded to talk even more about how wonderful his vacation was. According to D14 he was unusually happy, almost "high", tweaker style!
D14 then confronted him on his elopement. XH didn't remember what eloping was. D14 reminded him. XH looked at D14 and said " this doesn't change anything! Everything stays the same, and this well help finances". D14 wanted to go home and called me after she ran off into the woods after the news.
I then called XH. I congratulated him, and then nicely asked him to bring her back. I then told him that he must give the girls heads up on these sort of things. I also told him point blank that OW is still continuing to freeze out the girls and still makes no effort to make a relationship, and if she wants the girls to like her, SHE MUST MAKE AN EFFORT. His response was nothing but grunts and "uh huh".
Wow. What a way to talk about your new wife? Better for finances. LOL.
Since then D14 refuses to see him, and now XMIL is trying to butt in and patch things up. Even told us that her son wasn't going to be like her old boyfriends and not marry his live in girlfriend because he was better than her old boyfriends! She told me to not be angry the rest of my life and she was was worried because her son was so hurt over D14's reaction! Yet she refused to go to Christmas at her son's because of her disgust with OW. And now she's trying to tell D14 that this OW's family is really great after all!
I did slam XMIL with the truth:
#1. I don't want her son back. #2. When my babies are hurt, Im infuriated, and how he handled it was not cool. This OW has done nothing but freeze the girls out and makes no effort for 3 years now. Her son married this and the girls have every reason to not like her. #3 I've moved on with someone else.
#4 Nothing would make me happier to never see her son again.
Well that cleared alot of crap up and hopefully she'll back off.
I of course alerted XH as to what she did and had some things to say about what was going on with D14. Of course it's my fault that he can't talk to his daughter because I allowed her to come home and not go to his house because she's done!
XH has been unusually friendly, and nice to me the past several months in regards to the kids. He acted like he wanted to be my friend. He always responded to my texts pronto, even a phone call from me he answered. WE acted like parents at two track meets, and that man talked more than he has in years. Due to his acting open and kind, I made an effort to be in touch with him more. A far cry from not even speaking to me and speaking through the kids.
However the personal face to face interaction at the track meets just sucked the life out of me, and I don't know why. I was nauseous afterwards and just felt dirty and wrong for a week afterwards! What the hell was that about?
Since then XH has been way too compliant and responsive to the very few texts I've had to send in regards to D11. D11 still wishes to see him. D11 states XH was on the brink of tears after D11 responded the way she did. XH made no effort to talk to her, comfort her on the ride home and sent a text over a week later saying he loved her.
Is this MLC? Is this severe emotional intimacy handicap? Is he emotionally handicapped due to MLC? I mean it just boggles me still to this day the insensitivity that comes from this man!How long does replay last a again?
anyway guys, I just had to vent in a place where I know everyone knows exactly what the hell Im going through.
Hi Kimmerz !! I have come here and look for an update on you for awhile now.. i wish you had a better outcome but i also know YOU deserve much much more then him. I still see similarities in the way we feel about MLCer. I also feel nauseated when i look at XH' s lifestyle of fake. When they get a taste of their own medicine, it doesn' t fase on them how we could do this to them uhhhhh????? Crazy world which i want no part of and i can t seem to get out of it. i will be going back into councelling to discuss this and how to approach son' s situation. Son will be coming to spend a few days here tonight. he got a job at my sister' s business while living with XH and other woman. talk about feeling betrayed... Anyway, i am not giving up...
Kimmerz, I'm sorry about the way he told his daughters about the marriage. What a putz! Right now, he's on a euphoric high because it's something to talk/brag about and he's getting some attention from everyone. That will eventually die down and he'll be right back to the same old, some old.
As for being for being friendly towards you, I'd keep my guard up on that front. Something doesn't add up w/this behavior after all of this time.
I think he's going to continue to try to be best buds w/your youngest daughter because she's not speaking up the way your older daughter is. Your older daughters caught on early as to his behaviors and, if I recall, their relationship hasn't been the best since all of this went down. She's a smart young lady and he's not going to be able to pull the wool over her eyes. LOL!
As for the XMIL, she's changed her tune very quickly w/the new DIL in the family. I wouldn't have any more conversations w/her about the way you are handling things and how your daughters are reacting to her son's behavior. As for the OW, she's not going to change and she's going to make sure your daughters do not feel welcome there because she truly does not want them involved w/their father. She wants him all to herself and guess what? It just might happen that way if he doesn't open his eyes and soon.
Your xh may have some other issues going on besides MLC. I would hate to try to diagnose his personality disorder, but he does sound like he may suffer from the NPD. But, that's my opinion.
Crazy world which I want no part of and I can to seem to get out of it.
I'm sorry Kim. Ditto what ExQ said.
There's a reason we (all of us--kids included) are meant to go through this. I NEED to believe this right now.
If I was FORCED to make a choice, I would rather my kids got through this now in order to create a successful family/marriage for themselves at some point down the road.
I know, for me, my Dad's MLC is the reason why I value family the way I do today. Family comes first for me because of this experience as a child. I see things more clearly and I'm facing MY issues as honestly as I'm able.
My children, hopefully, will value family too and choose their lifelong partner differently than I did. I hope they demand actions to back up the feelings. I trusted my instincts as opposed to looking at the ACTIONS of the MAN. I hope they choose differently and also have a safe foundation under them, career-wise, in order to avoid the pitfall I have.
So many lessons I didn't want them to learn like this...but, I hope they learn them just the same.
I want them to walk away from this experience...
1. Valuing the importance of Family. 2. Secure someday in a career of their own. 3. Loving themselves enough to demand a good partner.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
So great to hear from all of you! I've missed my friends here! But thanks to the friends and valuable lessons I've learned through support and just reading, I've been so much more stronger and confident! Im so glad I've dropped by to see how things are going with everyone!
Exquisite, Im glad you will be going back into counseling. And I understand how the feelings of betrayal keep trickling on in, DON'T THEY? And on so many different levels they come trickling in. Add nausea-um... again! Lol. Perhaps we feel sick because this goes against everything we hold as a core value in our hearts and souls.
Job, what a sharp memory you have! And yes you are right on the money there gal! Oldest daughter hasn't had the best relationship with EX since this all started. I've seen such a change for the better in her since she stood her ground and broke free of her father ON HER OWN. She called BS on him. And he got mad and treated her like a bratt for it, and is with holding something she holds near and dear to her heart and that's her bow and arrow he got her for her birthday last summer. Oldest daughter informed him she will not argue with him and if he's keeping it, he's keeping it. I told her, we will get her a new one!
You're right about the X MIL... I won't be talking to her about this issue anymore. Regardless of my resentment towards XH, the issues between he and D14 are just that! Their issues. Unless the Sh*t hit's the fan, I will stay out of it, but support my daughter anyway I can if she needs me too. XH stomped a hole and lit a match in the middle of that bridge he had started to build back up a little. It's no my fault he pulled that crap.
I found that actually freaking odd of XMIL to do what she did. In fact she tried to tell me the reason OW may not be speaking to the kids was because she told her to stay away from her grand kids at first 3 years ago! So now she's making excuses for the OW she couldn't stand and the son she was disgusted by? I swear Im in the twillight zone!LOl
I know X MIL...I think money is involved. I think XH finally started taking care of his mom financially, like he should've been all along, and now she'll be anyone's dog that needs run with in exchange for money. I've known this woman for 24 years. Money really gets her tail wagging, no matter how crooked the person is that gives it to her.
To be honest, it just dawned on me within the last 2 days that Im sure OW is THRILLED that D14 had made her departure. She had made bad remarks about D14 to some people and it got back to D14. Infact I figure as D11 ages, there may be some more drama to take place between them, and then D11 very well may decide not to see him anymore. Then OW has exactly what she wanted. Alienated the wife, alienated the kids, and XH all to herself. And by then she will probably divorce him and try to get all the money she can, and start all over with someone else!
Job, I have strongly felt that XH has NPD for a very long time now. It fits him to the T. It just started coming into consistent play 3 years before our final split, then he went total monster NPD during divorce, after divorce, and still periodically. I suspect when he's extra nice to me, he's needing narcissistic supply cause OW doesn't sound like she pays any attention to him at all! Im telling you what the girls have told me about those two, just makes me chuckle that they're married! They sure don't sound like a married couple! Total weirdness.
Lois, Thank you so much for your input. I never stopped to think that this horrible ordeal could really help my children to have better relationships in their adult life! And now that I think about it, this whole ordeal has helped all 3 of us grown as women! All three of us value honesty,communication, and respect and that's how we roll in this little family!
Wow, I really needed that Lois! It's an insight I never really thought of! I really am working with them on self respect, and respect of others as well. Knowing one's self and loving ones self I really am beginning to see is the best truth their is. Because when you know who you are in your heart and soul and love you for who you are, you won't ever settle for someone that treats you less that what you truly are! A REMARKABLE PERSON.
THANK YOU TO ALL YOU REMARKABLE, FABULOUS WOMEN!!!
Hi, great to hear from an old timer. I have been pondering why contact with these MLCers is so disturbing for us, even when they are acting nice, as it were (for a given value of nice!)
I have the exact same reaction and so do a couple of friends who no longer post here.
My therapist's view (and he has met my xh) is that he has a personality disorder. It was probably always incipiently there, but it comes fully into play during MLC (and maybe it is MLC). They become the new person more and more. But it is essentially a mask, and not their true self.
I don't know why we find it so odd. I feel slightly ill after any contact, and I still can't figure out why, except to note that it happens to a lot of other people who have MLC divorce and not to anyone who has any other sort of divorce. I only do really well when he is right out of my life.
If anyone has any theories I would love to know why this is so. I do think it is something about them and not about us. In one sense my xh is just another person, but on another level I can't deal with him at all
I can't tell you what it means to me to hear that other people really do go through this!All I can boil it down to is "trust your gut feeling". My gut has never steered me wrong! So if our guts are feeling so awful in regards to reaction from these men, it's best we just stay away! As for me, when I have no contact with the man, I thrive and do best. The smallest text message can really put me off kilter sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't phase me, which is good. Shows Im getting seriously detatched from his mind games. Thanks so much for chiming in here Bea!
I feel like an odd ball divorcee' I guess you could say! I hear so many people that have been divorced or just not together anymore that have children together. I keep hearing at the 2-3 year mark is when you can start to become friends again, and end up being better friends than you ever were! I guess I was wondering if that's what was going on here. But all the while I never felt right about it. Especially after seeing him 2 days in a row at track meets.
When XH and I were going through divorce, he was living with OW, he still made me feel dirty. And that's because he all the sudden was treating me LIKE THE OW! He pursued contact and friendship with me, while he had someone else at home! Every lunch break, office time, and little 15 minute breaks, he was contacting me!
Given your therapist thinks there's a personality disorder really validates alot of things in my mind. Even my aunt said that some narcissists don't fully bloom till later in life, and that's what XH has done. Fully blossomed into the self absorbed A$$ he really is at 40!
Signs of this narcissism were always there, through our many years together. But they waxed and waned in such a way that I literally would forget about it. I mean the guy was such a sweet heart and a good husband for many years! But I still swear that when this video gaming industry blew up into all this war monging fantasy games, that's where he lost touch of reality! He literally became consumed into this! His personality changed within 2 months, and it just got worse from there on out. Everyone noticed it.
He literally became consumed into this! His personality changed within 2 months, and it just got worse from there on out. Everyone noticed it.
Yes, it isn't necessarily video gaming, but they get obsessions. This latest round of legal action with my xh, I have had several people who have had to deal with him (as far as I have told them he is simply my former husband) and the consistent question is - 'is he mentally ill?'
Anyway, you are fine and I am fine, and if we put the work in with God's good grace we get through all of this. But I tell you, I feel queasy after a chat with him. He is such a two dimensional person in a world of 3-D. It is like one of these people whose face has been digitalised.
I think you are on to something here. I know I am angry because I have raised my kids with strong family values. one for all and all for one. A unit. When XH left, no one was prepared for this. Many of my teaching went out the windows and destroyed ( with justification? ). One of their role-model suddenly disagreed with everything they know to be right or wrong. That is where the confusion is. I know as they grow older, they will see but right now, it is a constant struggle.
like bea, I need him to leave me alone in order to stay strong. I wish he would also leave the kids alone so that they would be healthier emotionally. ( talking by comparing D18 who has barely contact with him and is doing amazing and the other 3 who have ups and downs ).
I must say that I also believe our kids will learn from this and become better adult because they lived this.
I guess Im on a roll here! I really have changed. After going rounds with XH, then XMil.... I have not ended my year long relationship with a man I thought was the one!
As it turned out, he is an abusive man. Verbally and Mentally. Given it was my first true relationship after my marriage, I guess it took me a while to see the true colors. I seriously got confused between the Dr. Jekyll./Mr. Hyde personality switch. And as it turned out the more solidified our relationship came the more controlling he tried to be. The more controlling he tried to be the more I stood my ground and wouldn't back down. And the more I stoop up for myself, the more vindictive he became with his demands, guilt trips and power trips.
I found a book Called "Why Does He do that" By Lundy Bancroft. It was given to me by a friend, and I can't tell you how much it helped me.. First seeing all these abusive signs from XH for many years! But an explanation in how he did it in such a way to make me feel absolutely nutts! Then the overt verbal and mental abuse Now XB was slowly, but steadily showing.
I do have a point dear DBers! Don't ever lose yourself after you work so damn hard to pull yourself from the ashes of the crap load your MLCer dumped on you! If you do build yourself up, even if you end up in a relationship that doesn't turn out too well, AT LEAST YOU LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LET IT GO AND MOVE ON IF IT'S NOT A HEALTHY SITUATION!
All in all, I guess I can thank XH's MLC /narcissism that taught me how to take care of myself!
