I wanted to respond to something that you posted on your last thread:
Quote:
My D14 couldn't find the ice cream scoop tonight. Seems my W took that and all the kitchen stuff like mesuring spoons!
I'm not surprised by this at all. My XW took everything she could get her hands on. I mean EVERYTHING.
She left me with four sons and barely anything to cook with. She even took the family Christmas tree and the washer and dryer. The boys and I went to a laundromat for a full year afterwards. You know what we did for a Christmas tree the first year? We drove about 5 miles up the road and found a twig about three feet tall. I'm not lying man. It was so bad that my mom went and bought some kitchen supplies so we could have them. But, that's not all.....no sir! She even took stuff from the refrigerator. Mustard, ketchup, soy sauce....just about everything. Sugar and flour from the cupboards....you name it. She even came back about a week later and got more. Did I try to stop her? No. Why? Because I was so dazed, confused and hurt. It really was terrible.
She even tried to take some things that my mom had given us. (Old furniture from Germany.) My mom put an end to that.
It just goes to show how selfish they really are. It would almost be funny if it wasn't so damn sad.
Be careful man and let most of what she says roll off your back.
I know...easier said than done.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
"I'm not surprised by this at all. My XW took everything she could get her hands on. I mean EVERYTHING." "It just goes to show how selfish they really are. It would almost be funny if it wasn't so damn sad."
Dude, seriously. Let it go already. What you are commenting on people's posts aren't helping them. All you're doing is letting your own insecurity come through. If you want to help someone, you have to be strong for them with compassion and understanding. Not with the attitude you have right now.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
*sigh* So sorry to see that W is indeed moving/moved out. There's absolutely nothing you can do about this chugging train that is meandering all over the place. Yep, don't offer help to W with things since she's wanted to be an "independent woman!" Let her learn the hard knocks of life all by her lonesome self.
Keep the focus on your daughters and work on bringing income in. I'd urge you to network and look for other opportunities for a much more stable flow of income. It seems that your current job isn't doing that for you and your daughters.
You still write "only if W would...."
Gotta stop those wishful thinking stuff. W is gone. Isn't the least bit interested in working on the M, on herself, or being the devoted Mom of the year.
Thanks Wonka, You're right about the "What if's" and the stable income source of income. All of got for now is some breathing room, nothing more.
What made my W want so badly to be "independent" is just something I'll never understand. I get it's what her father wanted her to do, needed her to for him to "respect" her, accept her in his life. Why that is, I really don't know. Why is it that her being a wife and mother first was so unacceptable to him? I get that to him his family meant nothing once he left them. Does it make him feel justified in the way he has acted his whole life? Relieve his guilt for abandoning her since she was willing to do the same? Why is it that my wife so fully bought into what he has been wanting from her? Is her need for his love and acceptance so strong in her that she is willing to do whatever she needs to have it? How did her values change so dramatically from what they had been before he came back into her life? All questions that haunt me and I may never know the answers.
What will my D's take from all this? Will they see what their mom is doing and bring the damage into their own future relationships? Will my W bring new people into my D's lives that have similar values like she has now? Will I be able to keep them on the right path in life alone, knowing I can't count on my W to teach them the values that they will need to be good, healthy women in their own lives?
Deep questions that I now must face and learn how to keep them safe and stable when I see their mother so unstable and confused. My life has changed so fast and so has theirs. It's up to me to make certain that those changes make me a better, stronger person, not let them pull me down or make me bitter. I must keep on moving forward and not look back on what was or could have been. Only on what will be in the reality I now find myself in.
I have weathered other set backs in my life. I have always been able to dig out and move forward. This may be the biggest set back I've ever faced but one I have to get past, sooner rather then later.
Matt you have been giving me kind, supportive words and I wanted to stop by and do the same for you. I'm so sorry she has moved out, I know how hard that is. There are those on this board that say it's better if they stay in the house but I seriously think being away gives my H more thinking time and let's me regroup for when we do interact. Maybe it will help your W move through her MLC.
Hang in there and spend time on you and your kids. I'll be saying prayers for you!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thanks daring! She's now gone. She came home to pick up some more stuff and shower and left again, telling me she will be back next Saturday. She didn't take my D14 as she has no Internet or TV yet (that's what she told D anyway). She took one of our dogs. The on I bought for her 7 years ago. I think I'll miss him more than her! She is acting so weird. She is in such a hurry to escape. She says she is so uncomfortable sleeping on the couch but is on an air mattress there that doesn't sound any better! She says she can't get the garage door open and asked for tips. She talks like I'm supposed to be happy for her. Now begins my time alone with my D. Won't be that much different as she has hardly been home lately anyway. Looking forward to my D19 coming home Tuesday or Wednesday. My W hasn't even said a word about seeing her and she's been away and Saturday was her birthday!
I agree with being careful about family. My W's mom@she side all think she is making a big mistake. One of the reasons my W got a place instead of going to her mom's is because her mom thinks she shouldn't be doing what she is. Now she is locked into a year lease. She is also spending much more time with her dad who is the only family member that wants her to leave. All having them on my side has done is make her run from them as well.
Thanks again for the kind words. Time to just think about me and stop all thoughts about W!!
Hi Matt. I am sorry she is gone. I am not sure what is better, staying in home with MLC or having them leave. I guess it depends on each individual sitch. I can only say that this will put your W into the real world, without you always being there to help her. Let her see this and feel this. Maybe this is what she needs to do right now.
Continue being the good example for your D and feel good about that! It is empowering to know life can throw huge road bumps in your way and you can handle it! I believe you can do this try not to look way down the road. Focus on each day and make it a good day for yourself and for your daughters.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Won't be that much different as she has hardly been home lately anyway.
Yep, you will miss that dog more than her. In time. And yes, you are supposed to be happy for her. You should be, but maybe not yet. But it will be different once you get a pattern established for how to co-parent (such as it will be).
People are funny Matt. They may leave, but that doesn't mean they have "moved on" emotionally. She'll be back to tell you how awful you were etc. LOL! It's part of the way people, teens and addicts especially, deal with hurt. They make the other person out to be a monster that they "had to leave!" Presumably they'd be crazy to stay with you after they are done rationalizing the whole thing.
She may very likely stay gone, and I think you should make her stay gone and count yourself lucky when its all said and done. I know that's counter to the board's mission. I do. But unless she changes in a massive way, you were bound to a woman that was going to make your life HE**.
Is it too much to ask that you're happy for her and her new life without you? Considering what's going on in her head (most likely) then it's a small favor to ask.
Whatever you do, don't let her come back unless she completely changes, Matt. No matter how tempted you are.
I still strongly believe you should run, not walk in the other direction. I say that with kindness to you both.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks m and AJ, I think that until her father is no longer so much in her life she will be much more interested in getting his attention and approval. Until she deals with that part of her life, not even her kids will matter much to her.
Just tonight she texted me about the phone she number I had to release. I did it weeks ago but it expired because she never went to do her part. Somehow it was my fault and the fact that she was wrong about the cheapest way to get our D14 a phone (she insisted it would save money if she bought her a used phone. I told her it would actually cost more but she wouldn't listen) made her even angrier. Like a teenager. Hates to be wrong about anything.
I'll be fine. All this kind of thing does is show me what a jerk she is being. She will see what life alone will be like and I doubt it will be any happier. I have a feeling things will go better for me in the end then her. I don't wish her ill, really I don't. I just want for her to realize someday just how much damage she has done.
Thanks to you both, only day one. Many days ahead.
