My H's MLC

[Ssarah]

I've been following these boards and "studying" MLC as best I can for the past month and a half and the time has come to share my story. So here goes...

BD was April 21st with my H sitting me down and telling me "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and wanting a divorce. I sat there in shock and utter disbelief not being able to see straight, think or speak. Until that point, we had been together for 13 years, married for 6 and have 2 beautiful babies (now 1 year old and 3 year old). I will not say we had a perfect marriage, but he was my best friend and I always thought we'd be together for life. The past year had been especially stressful for us with the addition of our S1. We both have demanding careers and with the stress of work and then having 2 babies, we had no time for us. I especially felt stressed since my son, up until a year old, was a horrible sleeper. Right until around BD (ironically) I went for almost a year straight with never more than 4 to 5 hours a night of sleep. Between work and handling ALL household responsibilities, on top of raising my 2 kids... I definitely felt the pressure. But to me I viewed this as the hardest year of our life and that we were in this together. Well I realize now I was wrong.

Since Dec 2013/Jan 2014 my H started to change. He grew more distant and snappy, wanting to spend less and less time with me or the kids. He kept wanting to go out (so unlike him) and would stay up drinking in his "man cave". He would be at home with us but his mind would be spaced out.. his thoughts somewhere else. At first I got annoyed at him and picked at his behavior. Then as he grew more distant and the changes were more apparent (complaining that he hated our neighborhood, was annoyed with the family business, wanted to branch out, wanted a nose job), I tried supporting him. He told me he wanted to go out and network and try his own thing careerwise and I said he should.. I told him if he wanted to sell the house we built because he was unhappy we should, supported his nose job if it really bothered him so much, telling him that life is too short and if he's unhappy we can fix things but that he really should appreciate all the good he had. Little did I know that something bigger was brewing inside.

So when BD happened and he told me how unloved and neglected he felt, I apologized whole heartedly and said I truely didn't realize (which I didn't). I explained how I felt that I was barely above water everyday, how I thought we were in this together with the stress of the kids and all. I said that I had no idea he felt this way and these are things we can work on. He said no, that I don't get it, that he's done, he's dead inside, he has nothing left for me, I killed his love for me. That I'm nasty and snappy and negative and that I will always be that way (he said I'll only get worse with age). That we didn't have enough sex (and at that point he's right we barely were).. that people don't change, that they shouldn't have to, that our relationship has just run it's course. He was done and there was absolutely nothing I can do. The next afternoon I found out about the OW.

She was someone that worked for them seperate from their offices. They had connected in Dec. and their relationship grew. I saw that they were talking on the phone for 1/2 hour everyday when by that point I wasn't allowed to even call him at work (he would snap and say I was bothering him). Of course he denied everything. He said she was just a friend meanwhile he deleted every text and call history from her. I think at that point it was just an EA but it could have already been a PA (not sure). The day after I confronted him he told me to forget about OW and stop asking questions because he wanted to work on our marriage after all. That he loved me and wanted to make it work. As the week went on he began to be more distant and by the end of that week he was back to being with her (without admitting it of course), telling me he was done and couldn't do this. He wanted a divorce. His family then put pressure on him to give our relationship a chance. That's when he really lost it. He tried for a week but then snapped. He told us all to stop controlling him, that he was not a kid and will do whatever he wants. He forbid me to communicate with them and and them with me (so that we couldn't figure out where he was and what he was up to). Until that point his brothers were trying to talk sense into him, to keep him busy, so that he wouldn't make a rash decision. After that blow up they all backed off. He is now obsessed with monitoring me. He watches my cell phone bill to see who I talk and text with. He checks the home computer and reads my emails and tries checking my cell phone. He looks through my car and work bag.. not sure what he's looking for. He's ultra paranoid.. thinks everyone is out to get him.

Since BD I have been a true single parent. He goes out every night, comes home around 1am and then drinks in the basement and comes to bed around 3 or 4am. He got his nose job.
The past almost 2 months I've looked the other way and given him all the space I possibly can. I pretend not to see anything or know anything, and just go about my life with the kids. We have had a handful of conversations in the middle of the night where I've told him I don't hate him and I'm not angry.. that I care about him and I am giving him space so that he can figure things out. In the beginning after BD he would randomly initiate sex but then would stop, like he was torn. He'd cry and tell me he loved me and that he would always be there for me and take care of me but that he had to divorce me. I was hoping that those were all empty threats, his MLC monster talking, but this week I received a letter from his lawyer.

I feel like a ton of bricks has landed on my head. He is full on in his affair now.. her makeup is on his clothes, her hair is in my laundry.. althgouh he still won't admit it, he at least stopped denying it. I know you're not supposed to talk about the affair but after I received that letter from his lawyer it all came out. He was looking through my work bag the other night and I caught him. I asked him calmly to please stop checking on my and stalking everything I do and a long back and forth ensued. I finally said that I know what he's been up to, that he's having the affair, that I've seen the makeup and hair and that he needs to stop lying and own up. He didn't say much to that. He again re-iterated how he's just done with us, that he wasn't loved and he needed so much more from me. I told him that I'm aware of that now, that he's opened my eyes to it all and that we should give it a chance. He just says no, it won't work. It'll be good for a bit and then it'll be back to the same stuff. That he needs to rebuild his life now and that he's "already 36" so he's got to do that now. How I will probably find someone better than him anyway and I will be happy.. but that we will not work.

So now in all of this I just wonder, is he right? Was our relationship that bad? Is this MLC or am I just dillusional? How do I go on now that he started divorce proceedings? Is there hope or should I just shut the door? I just don't know anymore. I know I have to detach and GAL but I just wonder how detached I need to be. I wonder if maybe he's just a WAH and not in MLC.

If you've gotten this far I thank you for reading.


M: 35, H: 36, S1, D3
M: 6 yrs
BD: 4/21/14
OW revealed: 4/22/14
D initiated: 6/13/14
still lives at home

[Ssarah]

Since I'm on moderation and my post took almost a week to publish I wanted to write an update. Since I received the letter from his attorney I really have tried to detach. He still lives at home and we have small children so it's hard to go dark completely but I've been trying my best to be distant. He in turn has been pursuing me more. He initiated intimacy on the other night and since one of his complaints was that we weren't intimate enough I went with it. Is that something I shouldn't do? He also talked about vacationing with the kids. I responded that we'd have to figure things out. I didn't say this but if you want a divorce, do you think we'll be vacationing after? I am not sure how I should be responding to these sorts of things. And advice would be appreciated.

[BrightFuture]

Ssarah, welcome to the board. And sorry you are here. Keep posting, so you could get off the moderation sooner.

He said no, that I don't get it, that he's done, he's dead inside, he has nothing left for me, I killed his love for me. That I'm nasty and snappy and negative and that I will always be that way (he said I'll only get worse with age). That we didn't have enough sex (and at that point he's right we barely were).. that people don't change, that they shouldn't have to, that our relationship has just run it's course.

How I will probably find someone better than him anyway and I will be happy.. but that we will not work.

I could have written this about my sitch, because my H said this almost word for word. I’ve doing the right thing to give him his space. The D filing doesn’t mean there is no chance to save your M. It looks like your H is very confused. Have you read the DB or DR book yet?

[Ssarah]

Brightfuture thanks for your response. I'm reading divorce remedy now and am also doing the counseling sessions. I guess because I'm only a little over 2 months from BD it's hard for me to stay consistent with detaching. I am good until he starts interacting with me like the "old self". I find it hard then not to talk to him like before, about house and family decisions. As for the divorce, he's threatened it since BD and now has retained a lawyer and sent me a letter to contact them but hasn't yet initiated proceedings (that doesn't mean he won't). I feel like he's slowly going in that direction but isn't full force about it. He's also still living at home still and doesn't look to be moving out. I wish he did so that he could be without us completely for some time. Right now I feel like he has the best of both worlds.. the OW and then his family.

[BklynMom]

Sarah

Your story brought me back to the beginning of my own story. Our kids are the same age at time of bomb.

You are much more together then I was at that time.

I will post more later, but you are in the right place and no matter what happens you will be happier in 2 years then you are today if you stick with this program.

Be strong for your kids and be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself to something nice.

[Ggrass]

There are some very close similarities with my sitch too, but it's amazing how scripted what they say is.

It's just like they all read the same books or something. It's hard to get your head around. I've taken a long time to get to where I am, but things are better just not on the r front with my h. He's so far done he's hardly even looked back and I'm not sure that he cares if I'm alive at all.

So while I would like to save the r, it's all about me at the moment. The fact what they say is so scripted will help you with detaching and what to say. Check out wonkas c
Cheat sheet thread. It's a great guide.

[Matt165]

Hi ssarah,
So sorry that you must be here but with what you are going through, it's the best place to be. Just so you know it's not just men who go through the same script. My W has said the exact same things, acted the exact same way. The way that they say one thing one day and then you get a letter from L and it's right back to all your fault is also very common.

The biggest thing to remember is that you didn't cause this. You didn't do anything to make him feel the way he does. I bought into all the weird stuff my W said was the "reason" she felt the way she does for so very long. As soon as one thing changed, she would just find another, different "reason" this is all my fault. One day things were great, she would talk about the future, the next things were hopeless. As for the OW, she is just a symptom.

My W's parents went thru a very bad D. She always swore that she would NEVER get a D, that it was for weak people who didn't want to try. Now she has filed and left without ever really trying. They will do the things that they always said they would never do, get angry at anyone who tries to talk sense into them (like his brothers) until they start to come out of the MLC tunnel. The best thing you can do now is to GAL outside your H. Become you're own person that has a life apart from him. I know it's not easy with the kids around and the pain you are in but you really need to work on yourself.

Keep posting and hang in there. There are many on this board who will help you in so many ways!

[GoatGal]

Hi Sarah,

Glad to meet you although I wish we had met somewhere else!

So many of the things you said rang true about your husband's statements and how different he was acting.

You've got to remember, right now, for our spouses--WAW or MLC or "other"---
it's ALL ABOUT THEM.
Literally and figuratively.

It's coming FROM them, and THEIR needs are put way ahead of yours or anyone else's.
They become incredibly selfish and ego-centric, acting like children/teenagers, while often we end up in a role like the nagging parent.
Not a great dynamic for a marriage.

All that: "he said he feels unloved... you killed his love for you..."
I think that's mostly a projection of the emptiness he feels inside, and most of them are trying desperately to "feel better", and OW are a part of that.

True enough that he doesn't "feel" loved.
(No doubt because, in his "mind", OW "makes him "FEEL loved".
I got the "You don't make me HAPPY." Later it was "OW MADE me HAPPY")

My H has said he "feels dead inside", "feels disconnected from me/us", no emotion outwardly, he was/is disconnected from everything.
Except during the time when he was actively involved with OW, then he was nasty, anxious, angry, blaming...

According to him, was all MY fault in one way or another, but later he did say it was all him and had little to do with me.
Which, out of all the crazy stuff he's said, I still believe.

It's all about putting it on you because they are unable to look within, and from what I've read, if it's really MLC, he's not going be able to do this for a long time.


Do yourself a favor and embrace sand's rules and put them into practice every day as best as you can.


FIRST: Don't pay attention to anything he says!
They will say all kinds of oddball, hurtful things, and if you let those statements run through your mind they will drive you up the wall. We ruminate over the bad things, twist ourselves around trying to "fix" it, then latch on to any little crumb of hope.

And although I think they're unaware consciously of what they're doing, somewhere deep down I think they know they're manipulating us in this way.


They make us angry so we show our worst side and justify them no longer loving us.
Or they push US to divorce THEM, making us the bad guy.
They give just enough honey to keep us hanging on while they go on their personal expedition.
Would they do that if they knew we'd pack their stuff and say:
"SEE YA! Don't let the door slam on your way out?" I doubt it.

They make us question ourselves, our entire marriage, our choice of them as a partner. (What was I thinking? Has he ALWAYS been this way? Maybe he's right, we are not right for each other/this is not fixable...on and on...)

They make comparisons between us and OW on some level. They HAVE to.
And you can bet WE come up wanting, although most people in real life would tell them they are insane.

They won't hear it.

Don't make the mistake I did.
Don't try and reason with him, guilt him (even subtly), try to help him get help, or even make it obvious that you really want him back.

What kind of woman wants a man back who, by his own admission:

1. Does not love you. (And will likely say he hasn't for a long time, or never did at all. A lot say that.)
2. Is actively cheating on you
??????


Not you, Sarah. Not you.

And what kind of man wants a woman who will tolerate the behavior he's dishing out?
???

Get the DBing books if you haven't already, follow sand's rules.

You will slip up--a lot--in the beginning, but keep on working at it.

You start your GAL and you SHOW HIM, through your actions, that you are strong, resilient, and you will not be sitting at home darning his socks in the event that he returns home.

You set your boundaries, whatever they may be for YOU.

For many here it was a version of: "I love you and our family, I admit I contributed to the breakdown in our marriage which is very important to me, I'll do what I can from my end, but I can not live with X-Y-Z..."

And then you try really hard to let him go as best as you can.

It's really really hard, but you'll get lots of good support here.

Keep your chin up, Sarah!

---GG

[GoatGal]

When I say "returns home" I mean in the sense that he, as a whole person, returns home with his heart and mind, not just his body.

For me, having "just" his body here while his mind and heart were elsewhere was just too hard for me to handle.

But Michelle and others say that it's a lot easier to work on the R via DBing techniques when they're in the home.

Though sometimes a "cooling off" period might be called for if you can't keep a handle on your emotions and end up having negative interactions with him.

The goal is, keep your interactions as POSITIVE as you can with him.

This doesn't mean you condone what he's doing, but you do validate his feelings.
Then you state your boundaries.

All the vets on here can help you with that since it's probably something you're going to have to get on track with pretty rapidly, but that's good because it will give you a focus on something other than him and the wrecking ball he's slinging around.

--GG

[Ssarah]

BrooklynMom thanks for the advice and kind words. I have to say the only reason I'm able to be as composed as I am is because I identified what I think is "wrong with him" early on. It also helps in a weird way that the OW is so below me. My brotherinlaws and fatherinlaw know her because of the family business and they initially refused to believe any of it because they said there was no way my H would be into her. Supposedly she is extremely immature and irritating and not attractive at all. They can't imagine what he would want with her and how he could even talk to her no less have a relationship with her. Don't get me wrong, after the initial BD I was a complete mess but I have to say I kept it from the beginning to myself. I still haven't pleaded, begged or been hysterical for him not to leave us. I've always been rational and not really driven by emotion so I guess in this situation that helps. That's not to say I haven't had my break downs, trust me I go on week long crying bends (like last week) at work, in the car, at night, just not in front of him. I'm really trying hard to stay strong for myself and especially for my babies.