"I do not want to label him, but if this is a MLC, I don't have 3 - 10 years in me. I'm patient but not that heroric! If he has not filed yet, (as of Friday he had not) I will try to DB another 4 months, but with him avoiding the house and not even talking to me, how good can that work?"
You mentioned this at the beginning of your thread. I will tell you one thing, and that is that you can't put a timetable on this. It took my W 3 years before she started turning around.
Since you don't have the patience, I would suggest you file the paperwork, get a D and find someone that's perfect for you. I mean I'm sure your new relationship won't have any issues either.
So if you don't want to wait, what are YOU waiting for?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, Why do you always have to down people just because they dont want to wait 3 years like you did?
Maybe some people on here value themselves enough to not want to go through the pain of that for that long. Just because you did it doesnt mean that its the right way for everyone. There is nothing wrong with setting a goal for the timeframe. Even my C said that. Im pretty sure its in the book too. It isnt set in stone, but a good guideline. Its also something that can be changed later on if it's fitting. Im just saying some people can only take getting [censored] on for so long before they have had enough. Apparently that time for you was never.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
"Why do you always have to down people just because they dont want to wait 3 years like you did?"
Go back and read your post first. YOU were the one who insulted those who stood for their marriage for a lengthy period. And I can tell you that there is no time period because every situation is different.
As for busby's post, the same thing applies. From what I read in the sitch both her and her H have some serious learning to do in their relationship. Again, this is a process which has no set time frame. Once you establish a timeframe, you will fail because you "expect" things that are out of your control.
"Im just saying some people can only take getting [censored] on for so long before they have had enough. Apparently that time for you was never."
What you don't understand is that the anger you feel is something you do to yourself. You give it power so it affects you. Your spouse can act like a total @$$, but you have a choice whether to blow it off or let it eat away at you.
I would say my W was one of the worst. The spew I had to listen to. But then I remembered that her acting out was more about her than me. Then the power of her words and actions faded away. And all this was while she was in an A with her boss twice her age.
DBing isn't the easiest thing to do. But there is one thing that it requires, and that's patience. If you give the process a chance, you might be surprised. But it's not like studying for the Bar exam. There are no set deadlines and you need to leave your expectations at the door.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Go back and read your post first. YOU were the one who insulted those who stood for their marriage for a lengthy period. And I can tell you that there is no time period because every situation is different.
That wasnt me saying that. That was part of the quote. I dont plan on insulting anyone here at all.
As for busby's post, the same thing applies. From what I read in the sitch both her and her H have some serious learning to do in their relationship. Again, this is a process which has no set time frame. Once you establish a timeframe, you will fail because you "expect" things that are out of your control.
I can agree with portions of this. However, there are sitches that the WAS would rather just sit and do nothing or is continuing an A. I dont see how you can sit there for an unlimited amount of time and deal with that. None of us are here because we want a D. But I think it is unreasonable to wait forever on what "might" work out. Especially knowing that there is happiness out there.
What you don't understand is that the anger you feel is something you do to yourself. You give it power so it affects you. Your spouse can act like a total @$$, but you have a choice whether to blow it off or let it eat away at you.
I dont think this is anger at all. I think its pain. No one wants to feel unwanted or unvalued by the person that they are with or want to be with. That [censored] hurts.
I would say my W was one of the worst. The spew I had to listen to. But then I remembered that her acting out was more about her than me. Then the power of her words and actions faded away. And all this was while she was in an A with her boss twice her age.
Again, all the respect in the world to you for dealing with that sitch. I personally couldnt do it. Call it weakness or impatience or whatever you want to call it, but there is no way that I could deal with those circumstances for that long or even close. You had the will power and determination to do it and you did. I applaud your effort.
DBing isn't the easiest thing to do. But there is one thing that it requires, and that's patience. If you give the process a chance, you might be surprised. But it's not like studying for the Bar exam. There are no set deadlines and you need to leave your expectations at the door.
I can understand this too. I have not personally done my sitch by the book at all. I feel some of what I have done is up for interpretation as to how it fits. Im also trying to take my C's advice and it clashes a bit with some of this stuff. I can be fully on board with the no expectations thing and most of the 37 rules, but I have also seen some progress with other things too.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
At this time I have lost over 40 pounds and feel in constant harassment, I am trying to hold everything down - for the sake of my children. I have now probably gotten anemic with the stress, weight loss and worry.
Which for me means hospital transfusions and IV iron for weeks... I have been there before, so I know the feelings
I did not mean to insult anybody! I just know what my personal limits are. I admire those who can take years of this -- I don't think I'm one of them.
Last edited by bugsby; 07/10/1401:43 AM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Again, most of how you feel you are doing to yourself. Think of it this way. If a stranger came up to you and said and did the same thing that your spouse is you wouldn't give it a second thought. You don't give power to their words. If you "feel" unwanted, that's all on you. I'm sure there are others who love you...friends, family, etc. But if you only concentrate on what your WAS says, you will stay stuck.
Once you understand that you have a choice to how you let something affect you, you'll be much better off.
And BTW, you need to start a new thread as this one will be closing soon.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
