That anger is just a way to keep you at a distance. My W did that stuff alot too anytime the R was brought up. I think they feel justified if they can draw us into arguments and we actually fight with them. I refused to fight about it. I validated and stayed calm the whole time and they seem to run out of steam eventually. When they do calm down though be prepared to deal with the conversation about all of the problems that they see. Thats how mine worked anyway. She told me pretty much everything that was an issue to her and it felt very productive. Dont mistake it as too much of a success though because they can get super inflamed all over again with ease. Just continue to be calm and validate. Youll see him change and realize that he can talk to you about stuff without yelling. Good luck!
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
labug; i'm not afraid to face the truth, I guess I'd like to put pressure on that relationship - but that is not the DB way - I know.
This (Divorce Recovery book) a much more soft approach. I am not combative, but all the info that I can garner from this, I would like to know (my H is extremely passive aggressive about giving details) I don't think I'd plan to do anything with this info-
I have done a limited (surgical) exposure. for WH I'd like to know about OW
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Maybell - Yes, but that was just my guessing. I know this person is not well off - probably younger - the complex was nice once but older and in need of renovations.
late 20's -30's probably....
Ben2010 - I mean like he can't stand to be near me. The more I bless him - the more pissed he gets! It has taken such a toll, I have decided the best place to be is just OUT OF HIS firing range.. so sad! not like the man I knew for 30 years...
I know he is trying to "drive me away" I know he wants me to "fight". I don't even validate what he says, anymore - I pretty much let it go...
He wants this other woman right now. The "love o meter" is at full tilt - with this "high caliber woman" he is sharing this apartment with.
getting out of the line of fire was my goal - hopefully until the "shine" wears off the affair.... IDK, tho. It is pretty abusive.. like a body chemistry flip.
Last edited by bugsby; 07/08/1410:26 PM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
Yeah like I said, my wife did the same thing. I didnt even see her in person, but I promise you, you could feel the anger and heat through the phone. It felt like she never hated anyone more than me at that moment. Just remain calm and act like it doesnt bother you and it isnt something that you are interested in fighting about. I know that is hard to do, but when you see the results of it, its an amazing transformation. As soon as he knows that you are not his safety net and that you are not just sitting around waiting on him to come back, then he will change. Let him vent all he wants but dont take any of it personally. And dont sit there and think that he doesnt think about you and miss you because I promise you that he does. There are things that he has taken for granted with you for 30 years that he will not have with the OW. All of those things will start to add up with him. If it was something that he truly couldnt deal with, then he would have done this a long time ago. Hang in there.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Well, he came to the house, to see DD18 post hospital visit. She refused him.
He came into my room to talk to me. All over the boards. I told him how his actions have hurt me, I mournED him like he died. He "said" he understood"
He then started on a rant of critique, I showed him a sad, but accepting spouse. Tears sad, but not "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come back!"
he said he was filing-- whatever--
got some hair up his b - hind -- oh yeah, he saw the voice recorder on dresser (it was not turned on)
Points I made: Everyone I exposed to loves him and would not hinder reconciliation. My friend Terry was getting worse, (Parkinsons) - she cried because how upsetting this is, and she loves you- We could try again. with Father Wayne. (but not over the top begging -- )
he stormed out, I stood by his car == he started in again, (listing all my faults and my neglect) I threw up my hands, said goodby and walked into house.
Last edited by bugsby; 07/09/1412:40 AM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
I have done NOTHING to warrant the amount of venom and bile he spews.
Are other WS this aggressive? Have any ever "turned" back to reconcile? I find this level of hostility unsettling. but some people say it is fairly normal at this stage????
Yea, they can be. Remember, a lot of times the WS has spent months or years being frustrated to the point they become WAS. They will direct a lot of anger at you. Some may be deserved, some not. Just remember....believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
Their anger will pass in time. How much time depends....
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
It is getting better. She broke down and told me all of the things that bothered her. I validated when I could. We are not reconciled yet. We went on a date last week for the first time. She asked me for it. We have had a few good conversations since then too and things have started to look up. It still needs plenty of work right now but it is headed in the right direction.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Ben: GEE! You are lucky ! My husband does not need to "break down" to tell ne anything! - he is a constant rumination sounding board for all my atrocities... 24/7. I am sure he an ow talk about it constantly!
I know this is his process - only he can walk the path, decide if he wants "us" - then I get to decide from that point what I'm willing to do.
I would not give that monster I talked to last night house space. His contempt, smirky, attitude is nothing I have seen in 30 years. Let OW have him.
I would only take H back.
Last edited by bugsby; 07/09/1405:09 PM.
Me: 48 H: 48 Married 26 , together 30 D1: 21 D2: 18 "Happily Married" until BD 4 weeks later: "Im talking to someone" No papers filed. Attempting 180, finding it difficult.
