Possilble WAW

[dawgy]

Hello everyone . I am in a bad situation . I found out on March 17 2014 that my wife is having an affair . EA and PA.I was crushed . It took me weeks just to be able to breath again. I ve done everything wrong according to Sandis list except i did not tell a sole about whats been going on . The affair started in Dec of 2013 and became sexual in early January 2014 . This is the story she has given me. Lord i miss my beautiful wife . She doesnt even seem like the same person she was 6 months ago .I tried to get her to break it off back when i found out and she did but she only lasted a couple days . the guy that shes been seeing is married but his children are grown . I still have two sons ages 15 and 13 at home . I snooped and spyed and found out things that kill me . i even caught them in bed . She said she wished i hadnt done that and now I wished i hadnt have either . She said she wants to be with him but would not elaborate . She does not want to hurt our boys but she did say Acouple of weeks ago she was going to leave when school was over so as not to mess up the boys schooling .Plus it will give us time to deal with this sitch . We still sleep in the same bed but she doesnt want me to touch her . She still wears her wedding ring etc. Back two months ago she told me everything would be fine and to just relax and we will get back to normal . So i tried to give her space and Time all the while worrying that this would just let her get closer to him . I was right . Now she has stronger feeling s for him . We ve been married 22 years , been together 27

[Roberta]

I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach as soon as possible. What seems like a hopeless situation is exactly what Divorce Busting Coaches deal with. Call me today to discuss our program and how we can help save your marriage.
303-444-7004.

[dawgy]

I cant afford to talk to a coach as of now . Im totally tapped out financially . I spent alot already on counselling . Im trying to scrape money together to keep things going as it is . I ve lost considerable amont of money from missing work because of my sitch .

[PeterV2]

dawgy, you're in a difficult sitch. I was exactly where you were but my WAW had moved out a month before I caught her in a hotel with the OM in Dec 2013. She had been seeing him for about 6 months before I found out. She told me she was no longer in love with me and was in love with him. I saw texts where they were planning a new life together.
I bought DB & DR and applied the LRT for those situations where she won't stop an affair. She said she was going to end it with him back in January but then I snooped and found her with him in March on 3 separate occasions.
First of all read DR over again. Especially page 214 on. Make a copy of Sandi's rules and personalize them with your name, W's name and OM's name. Read them daily to yourself. And stick to it. It seems to be working for me.
I know this is tough. Like MWD says, it's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. I wept many times. I still do from time to time. But you have to do the 180. Otherwise it won't get any better.
Get a DB coach. Mine was extremely helpful. It'll be the best money you've ever spent. Definitely a worthwhile cause. Just remember they say affairs only last about 6 months. My W's lasted about 12 and she's still in withdrawals. But things are improving between us. We're planning on going to MC together in the next few weeks.
And remember also that this is not a sprint, but a marathon. Stay strong.

[dawgy]

Hey Peter . Thanks alot for posting . I need someone to talk to so bad . I very afraid of losing my whole life as I know it . We were so very close and im still trying to figure out what happened 7 months ago she was a completely different person . Now she is rewritting our history and i believe she is going to move out the 1st of july . Ive done everything wrong according to Sandi s list in the last three months but im trying to implement it now . I truly cant afford a coach as of now . i wish i could . Im trying to find a copy or DR some where . I believe I can order it thru our local book store . She took off her wedding ring this weekend . It crushed me .

[dawgy]

I need more advice . I dont like this moderator thing it seems to be taking a long time for any replies . i will take any advice given at this stage > It looks like i have about 12 days to keep my wife from leaving . What can I do ?? Please can someone reply. I feel desparate . Ive been employing Sandi s list the best that i can . Ive ordered DR through the bookstore and cant wait to read it but it seems time is of the essence . And i have no credit card or cash until the end of july so i cant afford a coach . Can some of you members please chime in ??

[PeterV2]

dawgy
Don't panic. Just stick to Sandi's list. Act happy and content. Stop doing anything that causes her to back away from you (e.g. pursuing, freaking out, panicking, etc.) Read and reread Sandi's list. It will take some time. She may even move out in the meantime. My wife moved out 7 months ago (5 months after starting her A) and hasn't move back yet but her affair has ended (I think) and she's getting ready to come back (it seems).
It took 7 months for your W to get to where she is today. She won't come back in 12 days. It may take months for her to get to a place in her mind where she'll consider coming back. It's the hardest things you'll ever do. I know because I've been there and I'm doing it. Be patient. Get a life (GAL). Work out 3 times a week. Eat well.
Doesn't your local library have DR?

[dawgy]

Thanks Pete . I really appreciate the response . Im at my witts end and every bit of advice i can get is helpful . I will call the library today and see if they have DR for sure . Im praying that she doesnt leave and giving the space up is extremly difficult . Especially when it feels like your saying to her that i dont care anymore , go ahead and leave > I dont want her to think that . Im willing to give her all the space she wants as long as she knows that i havent given up . Thats my problem right now . I know shes been in a deep fog for awhile now and i was hoping that the 6 month affair burn out would ring true , but we are at 7 months now and im affraid se is planning on leaving within the next 11 days .

[dawgy]

I would appreciate some input from anybody else too . Ive never felt so desparate in my life and so afraid for my Kids mental state . So please if anyone else can offer up some insight . My thanks to Peterv2 . He is going through the same thing but he is leaps and bounds ahead of me in his technique > Im following his advice for sure but it is difficult to say the least .

[pilot]

Dawgy,

As much as it seems the wrong thing to do by giving her space, it is the absolute only thing that will. There is nothing you can say which will cause a magic shift in her thinking. I would strongly encourage you to start reading other people's stories on this forum. You will see first hand how the principles of DB actually work. The most important thing you have to remember is this is NOT going to be a quick process. This is going to take time. Possibly more time than you even want to consider at this point. Just remember, it took your wife a long time to get to the point in her mind where she is willing to walk out. So it will take a long time as well to change her mind.

How you change her mind is by changing yourself. Spend this time working on yourself and identify areas in your life where you know you had shortcomings in your relationship. By giving your W space it allows her to be alone with her thoughts and get a perspective of her life as well as a life without you.

Since there is an affair involved, like in my marriage, the dynamics change somewhat. In a nutshell, you are probably looking at more time because you have to let the affair run its course, then she has to get over it. Many vets here equate that to an addict having withdraws from drugs. There is a science behind it. Google PEAs and affairs, and the anatomy of affairs. It will give you a little better insight and understanding.

Stick with this forum and post frequently. This is a great place for support and advice, as well as a place to keep you on track.

Best of luck to you.