All we do is argue. He says that he’s always on the bottom of my list, which means that he wants some and he doesn't get any. That’s all it seems that he wants from me anyway. We keep different hours. I go to bed at 10pm, he goes to bed anytime…usually around 12am…and when he does that, he also keeps Courtney (3 yr old) up until 10-11pm. That makes it hard to spend time alone with each other. I ask him to come to bed earlier and when he doesn’t make it, I go to bed or I have to stay up and then am tired the next morning, which makes for a bad day at work. Never-ending cycle.
I’m already provider of 2/3 of the money, insurance, bill payer, food preparer, child bather, scheduler of appointments, house and car cleaner, house and car picker-up and put away, organizer, horse clipper, horse vet tech, cat and dog vet tech, etc.
He works for his mom on a farm making half of what he used to make as a mechanic because he has a hard time getting along with others and taking direction from supervisors. When he gets a job, he wants to change the whole place and tells them that the way they do things are stupid. He works for his mom on a farm making about half of what he used to make being an auto-mechanic. He wants to “raise” our daughter and keep her from all the evil people and bad influences in the world. I set her up to go to swimming lessons and dance lessons and then he got mad because HE had to take her instead of me. I thought that’s what stay at home people got the pleasure of doing? He mows the grass, weed eats, sprays weed-killer, waters trees, feeds the animals (horses, chickens), and takes care of our daughter 2 times a week (which doesn’t always include cleaning up after himself or her), takes trash to the end of the road and brings up cans, washes his own clothes.
I want to go to counseling, but then he says he’s not going, because I didn’t do what they told me to do when we went before. We have totally different recollections of what happened that ended that counseling. I say he quit going to counseling because he said it was stupid. I went to 2 more sessions without him and that counselor gave me instructions on dealing with someone who verbally abuses me.
We can’t talk about anything anymore, because we now disagree about almost everything. I’m to the point where almost anything he says is wrong or makes a hardship on something else, so how can I be happy for him and make him feel wanted? I just re-financed the house to help us with the money issues and we now should clear $50 a month for emergencies. That is NOT how it should be! I didn’t sign-up for this crap. We don’t agree at all on our life goals.
The only thing we can agree on is that we love our daughter and don’t want her hurt. Well I’m tired of arguing in front of her. I used to tell him that I’m not going to stand there while he yells, so I would leave the room. But then when I wanted to talk about it later, he yelled again. I’ve gotten to the point where I will argue back because it’s the only time I get to “talk” or try to finish anything. I wanted to talk about us last night and he goes into a tirant about how I did this and didn’t listen to him, because I don’t care about what he has to say and goes on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. I never get a chance to talk once he starts and if I do, he’s so worried about what he is going to say to “win” the argument that nothing ever gets taken care of or settled. He argues to hurt not to solve issues. Side note: Long story short – my sister put bad things on FB about my gma and I took up for her. Made my sister mad, she left me a rude voicemail. He called her back and they argued about everything and how bad our family is and now he doesn’t want me or my daughter around my sister. He thinks we should never forgive my sister and always hate her until she apologizes to gma. Well everyone has apologized, made amends, or swept it under the rug, except him. During their argument, she told him that I was thinking of leaving him b/c he wouldn’t work and I am only with him because of his mother’s horses and the show we go to together. Which is NOT true, but he brings it up anyway.
About 5 years ago, he quit or got laid-off from his job and started his own company. He expected me to help him with all the business part, finances, and taxes, along with doing my full-time job. I told him I don’t know about it and can’t help him. I made his company fail. He didn’t bring in enough money to pay all of the house bills, though he says I didn’t tell him we needed more money because he had more money to give me, he just didn’t think we needed it. While he was running his company, he also got addicted to an online game where he would even wake-up at night to play this game. At that point, I was so ready to leave him, but I didn’t want a failed marriage. And then I got pregnant. Then the credit card crap happened where they raised all of our credit card rates (which he ran up when he did the bills….rob Peter to pay Paul) and we had to file bankruptcy. That bankruptcy also hurt my future positions at work. He dissolved the company and went to work, then didn’t get along with people and got laid-off.
We’ve been married for 14 years and it seems that it gets worse every year. I didn’t want to raise my daughter in a divorced home, but it seems like it is the only option anymore. It’s not fair for her to watch and hear us fight. I keep trying different things, but it seems that we always end up in the same place. I read the DB book about 8 years ago and read some here, but I thought it was fixed. It seemed as long as I gave him some, then things were fine. But I don’t want fine. I want a husband and wife relationship that works….not a band-aided we live together relationship.
Does DB come in a Kindle or electronic version? I would like to re-read it on a device, so he doesn't know what I'm reading.
Yes, I'm a Fixer...someone has to get it done, right? lol Once, due to my schedule, the toddler didn't get bathed for over 5 days....he still refused to help and give her a bath. Another time, I quit doing dishes. Every single plate and silverware was dirty. He said he would rather throw it away and use plastic then to do dishes.
I think I messed up before by skipping a head to fast.
Here's my Fixer for ya....If there isn't an electronic version of DB, I can make one into a pdf version from the electronic version. I am experienced in creating searchable pdf's with bookmarks, etc.
I looked on google for electronic version of DB and I can't find it. Anyone know how to find the electronic version?
Sven years ago I recall reading the 1st chapter, some posts, and skimmed the rest of the book. Then I read TSSM and did what it said. I tried the remove myself from the yelling but that seems to sweep it under the rug and it is never solved.
"Sven years ago I recall reading the 1st chapter, some posts, and skimmed the rest of the book."
Yeah that's why things didn't work out for you. It sounds like you were looking for a magic bullet. There is not fast way of going through this. You have to take things one step at a time. The lack of sex part was probably just a result of a bigger issue.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
