While Starsky's advice os on the money, there's a couple of points you might want to bear in mind.
Yesterday is yesterday. It can't be changed. Today is more important.
Agreed, but in order for me to move forward there is a need for me to know the story of what’s happened. I’ve already read the bulk of the texts that were passed before I found out this past December. What I want now is the truth of what’s happened over the past six months. She said that since we were in the process of getting divorced it doesn’t count and shouldn’t matter. Um…what exactly? Did they start regularly talking? Did they meet up for lunch? Did they pick up their relationship where it left off?
True, she could provide answers to these questions on her own, but without any sort of outside validation of the truth, does what she say bear ANY merit? When I confronted her with the affair originally, I had two sets of texts, one that took place before she and the OM took a break and a second after. I only confronted her using knowledge from the first set and asked her to complete the story. The tale she spun wasn’t consistent with the information I had from the second set…and I let her know as much. Cheaters are liars, but I now know for sure that unless she’s backed into a corner she will not tell the truth if it paints her in an unfavorable light.
Originally Posted By: RedHawk98
Secondly, be careful what you ask for. Ask yourself if you can stomach reading the communication between them.
You sound in a better place emotionally than when I read my wife's exchanges, but it is still a stomach churning exercise.
I went through the texts and photos from over a two year period the last time I did this…it hurt at first, but ultimately it was the truth and I was thankful for knowing. Maybe I could have gotten by with fewer details…and fewer images…but in the end that was the only way to have the truth of the affair.
What I was looking for by getting the e-mails and/or texts wasn’t to pry into intimate conversation (okay, maybe a little bit), but to establish a network of dots that she could then fill in the blanks between. I’m willing to allow her to extrapolate information between two known points, but she’s not trustworthy enough to provide data outside of the known range.
I think that there are two likely scenarios: 1) She started moving forward with the divorce and tried online dating (I’ve seen a handful of e-mails come through from E-Harmony and Match). Maybe she made it as far as a few first dates. Maybe she stopped after getting the barrage of e-mails I’ve heard the female members have to deal with. Either way, she realized that it’s not going to be easy out there as she thought and going back to what she knows may not be all that bad.
2) She get back into touch with the OM and explained that she just needs a little time to allow things to settle down, get perspective, to be on her own. He freaked out (just like he did last time) and told her that he wasn’t going to sit around and wait for her.
Originally Posted By: RedHawk98
She SEEMS like she wants to move forward. Which is good in itself, but you're right in wanting trust also.
I'm not sure if seeing evidence of past crimes is going to restore that.
In either case in my “most likely” scenario, it’s easy to assume that I’m looking at myself as Plan B (not so much). I was the Plan A that fell through, but she only later realized that Plan B wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. If she wants to move forward, she’ll need to start acting like it. Don’t get me wrong – she’s been doing quite a bit to start fixing things in the marriage (I suspect they’re things that most normal people would expect out of hand…cleaning up after themselves, helping out with chores, spending quality time with their kids, spending one-on-one time with their spouse). She just wants her slate to be wiped clean and all of her wrongdoings forgiven. Despite all that’s happened I think I might be able to do that given time. But I have to know that the bleeding has stopped. It’s all too easy to create a new Facebook account or e-mail account, to pick up a drop phone. Her going through and sanitizing all her accounts before handing them over only shows me that she’s not willing to show me her ugly vulnerable side. That means I either have to constantly monitor her accounts on the offhand chance something comes through that she’d want to hide or that I have to assume that there are other accounts out there that I just don’t know about.
It’s not about seeing evidence of past crimes. It’s knowing that she’s still actively trying to cover up her tracks. She was mad at me because I confided in a pair of friends the ENTIRE story (from Craigslist forward…I won’t get into it, but the details are on another thread), even though I had told her that I had never told anyone. Anyone that mattered to her, I thought (family, neighbors, her/our friends). I told her that moving forward I would tell her the truth, even if it were something that she didn’t want to hear. To demonstrate my sincerity, I provided her access to my accounts – full transparency. She could see everything that I’d said to my friends over the past few months (or however long the Sent box happens to archive). I warned her that if she dug she might find things that upset her…that they were in the past and I couldn’t change them…but I was willing to talk about it and deal with the consequences.
THAT is what I was expecting and disappointed not to receive.
Originally Posted By: RedHawk98
Give her benefit of the doubt, but insist that this is a last chance situation. One more piece of contact with the other person and you are done!
She was given the benefit of the doubt after she cheated on me with X number of guys from Craigslist while I was away at graduate school (before we were married or even living together). She was given a clean slate and a “last chance”. She doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt a second time. She needs to earn the clean slate and fresh start this time.
