"Man The F*** Up" The Ultimate 180

[RedHawk98]

Part Three of the divorce process has arrived.
If I sign and return this, our divorce will be finalised.

Just as I'm getting advice that could help. Typical...

With the present situation, I have no idea if she'll even talk to me anyway.

Oh boy.

[Oxford1]

I am going to read this better including the post previous to it.

I will reply on my thread.

Really don't want to thread-Jack.

[Starsky309]

Part Three of the divorce process has arrived.
If I sign and return this, our divorce will be finalised.

Just as I'm getting advice that could help. Typical...

With the present situation, I have no idea if she'll even talk to me anyway.

Oh boy.

Wow, your jurisdiction moves fast. She just filed in April, and it will be finalized by July if you sign that?


What are you going to do?


Starsky

[RedHawk98]

I filed back in April. Just couldn't handle waiting for her to do it after a year. It was torture wondering if the paperwork was in the mail when I came home from work every day.

It's fast because there were no kids and our financial matters were very simple.

I'm just going to wait a few weeks. See how things pan out.
Do nothing rash! LOL

[25yearsmlc]

Part Three of the divorce process has arrived.
If I sign and return this, our divorce will be finalised.

Just as I'm getting advice that could help. Typical...

With the present situation, I have no idea if she'll even talk to me anyway.

Oh boy.

You filed, remember?

[25yearsmlc]

Apologies 25. I've just seen your second post re:Response of WAW.

It certainly makes for humbling reading.
I know my wife felt terribly lonely and disappointed for a period of time.
How long that period of time was, I can't be sure.
We were always both very happy with each other. But not our circumstances.


2 reasons to stop saying this^^. In your first post you said that but you also said a LOT of contradictory things, like how you had been depressed for 2 years, and how unhappy your wife had been for sometime...

Plus, saying we were "very happy with each other" but "not our circumstances" is just wacky. Your "circumstances" are your life. They surround you. Change them when they are not good, or suffer the consequences.


This is the part that has kept me awake at night. Working out what is real from "WAW script/Affair Fog" (If you believe in such a thing at all? I'm interested in your opinion on that.)

I don't think it matters to see the marital history the same. I also think it's impossible, so efforts to do so, are futile.

What matters is seeing the future in the same way. And "fog" and "script" are not important b/c in TIME, the truth is revealed.

The amount of time is the only thing you may be able to influence and you have delayed it by constant R TALK and not enough change in you. Don't try to manipulate anything but yourself at this point.



I agree with around 50% of my wife's criticisms. They were totally valid! I addressed them as fast as I could under the circumstances.


Then that ^^ has to be enough for you.


The other 50% is where she will deny absolutely anything positive regarding us. Things said. Plans made.
Complete denial. Will contradict herself constantly. Some bare faced lies too.



So what? You contradicted yourself at least a dozen times in your first post.

AND
this is all ^^^ Irrelevant NOW< b/c, again, in TIME the truth is revealed. If there is genuine love for you left in her, it will shine through when you back off so she can have the time and space to examine it and perchance she looks your way, you will be a different man than before. You will have changed, for real.

Very frustrating. But I can understand she needed to validate her "crush" (as it took her 9 months to confess to, but no more) to some level.
They have been together all along on and off.

This^^ is not your job! Stop thinking about, discussing or attacking OM or anything else she does or says or plans or you think she feels, ETC>

Look in the mirror and work just on YOU and YOUR LIFE. When you begin to veer off and try to control her or the outcome, put a STOP sign in your head and go back to YOU...



I know you can't always apply Logic to Feelings.

I just wish I had the 25/Starsky Tag Team a year ago. Your advice would have made such a difference.

I have 2 family members who remarried their former spouses after divorcing...it happens.

Just work on you now.

[RedHawk98]

Yes although filing was more for my own sanity. Despite maintaining she wanted it and was going to do it, she never claimed to have time or money to do so.

I'm going to wait a few weeks and not rush that final paperwork.

I had a difficult day yesterday that means I really will have to focus on me.
I may possibly have some skin cancer that is postponing my move due to treatment.

We'll see how those tests go.

So far as my wife goes, I have completely let go now. I do still love her with all my heart. The events of the last 18 months haven't changed that.
She knows how to contact me.

If she does, she'll find a much happier guy who can make her happy again.

[25yearsmlc]

Yes although filing was more for my own sanity. Despite maintaining she wanted it and was going to do it, she never claimed to have time or money to do so.

FYI, a third (1/3) divorces filed, never get completed.
People change their mind or they misused the filing process in the first place....

and their bluff gets called...I have to wonder how many of the ones that DO get finalized, might not have, if no one had jumped the gun.

I think if you really were driven so insane that you needed to move on, then it's fine to file -- and be done.

But what I see now, and believe, is that you filed for divorce as a tactic of manipulation (again), and or b/c you were angry.

I say that b/c if you were sure and really done, you would not now hesitate.

To be clear, I don't think you should use the word or the action of filing for divorce, as a tool of manipulation again - or you'll find yourself very divorced.

If you want a reconciliation then why file at all?
See, that really sounds like a geotactic b/c you are waiting around "for a few weeks" for....what? Oh, to see what SHE does or does not do...= TACTIC.

Not you being "done".


I'm going to wait a few weeks and not rush that final paperwork.

IF you feel there is hope and or you want to reconcile and think it's possible, then I would think you'd wait a lot longer than that.

Waiting a few WEEKS is not the same as "not rushing".

But you say you have been at this in some form (her wanting out and you pursuing, and then saying you are "done" and then stalling...) for a LONG time.

2 years or 18 months? I mean, from when she first gave the ILBINILWY, how long has it been? In any event, you still need to BE the man you always wanted to be ASAP and not care if she notices.

If you are done, OR if you feel it's hopeless now, and you want to move on (a different form of being "done") then go ahead and do what you must. Just make A choice and live with it....either keep standing, which means do nothing to further the D process AND GAL and Detach...

or finish the Div process and move forward GAL and Detaching...

I hope you notice that regardless of which choice you make re the M, your overall course of action is the same.

You must GAL and that's needed to Detach, which is the other task you must face.


I had a difficult day yesterday that means I really will have to focus on me.
I may possibly have some skin cancer that is postponing my move due to treatment.

We'll see how those tests go.


I'm sorry to hear that. That's a bummer. I'm not clear on this^^ however. You are getting the tests and THEN you'll find out the treatment?

So, how does this effect your move? I mean, If it is cancer and has not spread, They remove the growths, and if it has spread - that still would not prevent you from driving to a treatment facility. Red, Be careful not to let your fears run wild with you.

Seriously...be careful or it'll reek of tactics and seeking sympathy from your w. Be as self sufficient as possible, b/c at times like this (i.e. if it were to be a cancerous skin lesion), she'd be FAR more impressed by you NOT reaching out to her...it's sort of an opportunity to show the new man you are becoming.

make sense? In any event, it won't be a big delay. When do you find out the test results?



So far as my wife goes, I have completely let go now. I do still love her with all my heart. The events of the last 18 months haven't changed that.
She knows how to contact me.

Yes she does. So there is NO need to contact her.


If she does, she'll find a much happier guy


That's great...

and if she does NOT contact you, you'll still be a much happier guy, right?
Because your happiness is not connected to what SHE is doing or saying or thinking or looking at or feeling...right??

Okay good...so, what are you DOING to create a more fulfilling, meaningful and happy life for yourself?

((BTW, I read somewhere that "most depression is a lack of purpose...finding a purpose cures a lot of it", and I think there is some truth to that.

Food for thought.))


who can make her happy again.

RED ALERT....RED ALERT...DO NOT PASS GO...DO NOT COLLECT $200...STOP!!

You never "made" her happy. That was never true and it was never your job to do that. No one can "make" someone ELSE happy.


We are in charge of our lives and OUR happiness and no one else's...NO ONE ELSE is responsible for making US happy and No one else can...

Please please realize this and let it sink in.

If you still believe that someone else makes you happy...OR that you can "make" someone other than yourself happy, or that it's anyone's job other than your own,
then you have given away all of your power.

Only you make you happy. And that was always your responsibility and no one else's, and no one else is your responsibility either (except any children you may have...for THEM, you must provide a safe loving home and a loving healthy role model.)

Tell me that you get this^^...please.

And good luck with the skin tests. No freaking out allowed, yet at least.

[RedHawk98]

I appreciate your point there. I should have been more detailed.
I never wanted divorce obviously. Regards divorce filing, I was calm when I did it. There wasn't a thought of manipulating her (an impossible task if I wanted to with her unpredictable ways lately).
It was because I just felt absolutely hopeless and exhausted after a year of separation.

In the light of GOOD advice from you both and myself being calmer, I would like to see if my wife and I can see eye to eye on all of this finally.
Sadly I just cannot see her wanting to do that any time soon.

As you say, we can always remarry further down the line if things change.
This marriage is so damaged. Sadly, it's only myself that sees the positives that have come of this mess.

I'm not big on self praise, but I have done quite well on myself and GAL since all this.
New career, money behind me, a small business, shed a lot of negatives I had in life too.
I am living a far more exciting life than I was since Bomb Drop now.

I understand that you can't MAKE someone happy. I meant more that my wife and I were both happy people that shared and enhanced each other's lives for a long time.
The arrival of OM and his manipulative ways couldn't have come at a worse time in our marriage.
I watched my wife's personality change quite severely over the 6 weeks before she announced wanting a divorce.

Regards the skin treatment here, I'm really not worried at all.
Worst case scenario and it is cancer, it's the safest one to have. Removal has already started and just awaiting tests to see what it is.

I'm actually moving from England to Ireland, so would prefer to get all of this dealt with before I go.
Fresh start and all.

I am certainly not telling my wife about this situation.
Simply for the reason that it would seem like manipulation. Her cheerleaders would reinforce that too no doubt.

Now you've made me think about it, she will probably be upset that I don't want to tell her myself too.

Shes totally unpredictable at the moment.
Literally two people in one body.

Some days she's the woman I knew. Other days it's like watching an actress trying to remember her lines.
Not believable at all.

She just doesn't seem happy. There's none of the sparkle in her eyes anymore.
I hope she works out and solves whatever it is.
This was all such a train wreck that could have been prevented.

[RedHawk98]

Been just over a month since I looked at this board. Just stopping by to say thank you to you all and share some good news after such a horrific time.

Detatching for me was impossible for the first 15 months of being separated. Fighting tooth and nail to save my marriage.

I wish I could tell those that are struggling how I managed to do it in the end.
It just happened, that's all I can say.

Once you do detatch, you start to see everything a lot clearer.
As 25yearsmlc said "You can be right, or you can be happy".
I admit to any mistakes I made. I don't believe I deserved how my wife has treated myself and our marriage. Nor do I think she was entitled to behave as she has.
But it doesn't keep me awake at night like it used to.
I know I'll never make the same mistakes in the future.

While I can forgive her for everything, I just feel no desire to talk to her at the moment. I just don't trust a word she says anymore. As much as I would like to.

The good news!
Once I detatched I started to notice a few more things happening around me.
A friend of mine I have known for a few years had been getting in touch with me a lot more often since June of last year. Any excuse to spend time with me, and get to know me better.

After a year she tells me "You're not very good at taking a hint are you?"

She is a wonderful lady. Absolutely beautiful, smart and with a big heart. I probably have even more in common with her interests and values wise than I did with my STBXW. It's actually ridiculous how much we have in common.

Her former husband ran off wih someone else too a couple of years ago, so we understand each other's healed scars too. But feel no need to talk about it.

Early days yet, we're just a pretty much perfectly suited pair. Taking things very slowly and laughing and smiling a lot.
No expectations here, but it's just nice to be reminded how fast life can turn around if you let it be.

I wanted to say thanks to you all for giving me a place to vent off. For your advice too.
That whole period of time was horrific and a little embarrassing when I look at how it tore me up.

I hope everyone here is able to save their marriages and be happy again. May they be happier than before!
Keep up the good advice too! I think a soaking up some of that helped me to detatch an see everything a lot clearer.

Cheers everybody!