Are you asking for parenting advice or DB advice or both? Your son sounds like he needs counseling. It's not at all surprising he would be acting up during this time.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi Maybell, thanks, I guess I am looking for co-parenting advice. I find it a bit ridiculous to discuss how to deal with S's lying with H when H has been such a liar. I don't know how to co-parent right now with someone whose values have been so far bent out of whack. I guess it does then lead to DBing questions. Since at the moment, as I am reminded of all H's lies, I'm not feeling very inspired to DB.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Last night H and I txtd a bit about him speaking to S about getting in trouble in school/lying. Also, H wanted to take S next Sat night (it's my night) for a cub scout event I was not aware of. I was rather annoyed, 1). because as I posted previously hearing about S's lying seems to be a trigger for me and 2). not happy that H had planned something with S on my weekend and I was not aware.
I am pretty proud of how I handled my frustration. I wanted to call and be snotty, I wanted to send an obnoxious txt/reply. I wanted to use it as an excuse to go off on H about how much this whole situation sux and is all HIS fault. I did NOT do any of this! I did send a txt to H asking if the event with S was something I had agreed to previously and just did not remember and he said it was something he had signed them up for pre all of this. He said he was sorry he had not mentioned something sooner and I could tell him no if I do not want him to take S on my weekend. Even with these reasonable answers I still felt annoyed and realized that I better not speak to H right then so I txtd back and said 'ok, can I let you know tomorrow?' and he said 'yes'.
I'm so glad I gave it the night to sleep on because now (tomorrow), I am much calmer and can see that H is really being perfectly nice/reasonable about his request and it's something nice for he/Son to do together so why on earth would I say 'no'? And why on earth would I use it as an excuse to go off on H...doing all sorts of additional damage to an already precarious situation?? So stupid!
I also realize how counterproductive it is to point the finger at H and blaming him for our current situation. Yes, he had the A and yes, that is what ultimately pushed us off the cliff but really, we BOTH have f-ed up in this M. Arguably he has MORE accountability bc an A is so huge and destructive but it's definitely not ALL him and trying to score keep is just going to make things worse. We are where we are, it's best to just accept that.
One thing I have clearly observed (in this sitch and a few others that are similar) is that a KEY aspect of anger management for me (maybe the MOST important thing) is to step away from the sitch and just take time to COOL off. It could be just 30 minutes or it could be hours or all night. But I really, really need to step away any time I feel that anger rising and get myself under control. It's SO critical! Another critical piece is to NOT speak to H if I am feeling at all irritated and have had alcohol. Last night I had gone to dinner with a friend and had two drinks. Fortunately I was aware enough to know that was another RED LIGHT signaling that I better not speak to H, even though I had the drinks hours before at that point. Even just 1 drink seems to bring my control down just enough to put me at higher risk for going off inappropriately.
So I'm very pleased with my observations and how I handled this sitch. I'm looking forward to calling H this am and shocking him with a 180 by happily and pleasantly letting him know that he and S can go to the event next weekend. I'm sure even via txt he was guessing that I was annoyed (he knows me well enough to know that his request would likely piss me off given our current sitch). I'm proud of myself for putting my anger in check, not going off on H and ultimately doing right by the kids (which I actually probably would have done anyway but previously would have made H 'pay' with my anger first).
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Spoke to H and he thanked me for letting him take Son next weekend. The convo wasn't *quite* as light, airy and long as I'd hoped but it was pretty good. I am still proud of myself.
Next, I have been thinking about what, if anything, to do for H for father's day. I was thinking a simple hand written card telling him that I appreciate what a good Dad he is. The A aside, he is very committed to the kids. He has done everything he can to ensure the impact of the separation to them is as minimal as possible. And seeing how often one parent essentially abandons their kids when caught up in an A I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. Plus I believe H's LL is words of affirmation so I think/hope this would be a meaningful gift to him.
When I first found out about the A I accused H of abandoning the kids. I was terrified and at that point, genuinely feared he would bc OW lived 2 hours away, I had no idea what he had in mind. H was really angry that I said this. I, of course, felt entirely justified. But now I'm thinking differently, unless his personality had done a complete 180 (it has NOT) then he would never abandon his kids, it's just not who he is. I was thinking of including an apology for that accusation in my card to him since that is clearly not the case.
Thoughts or feedback on my father's day plan?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Here's what I came up with for the card. Just realizing I don't have much time bc I will see H shortly for kids games today so want to give it to him then for tomorrow. I kept it short and at this point opted not to include the apology. Felt like it somehow introduced a bit of a negative spin. Short and simple seemed better and I think gets my sentiments across, even without the apology. If anyone is online and has feedback would love to hear it!
"Dear H, I am so thankful for our beautiful children and want you to know how much I appreciate what a good Dad you are. You are so committed to them and I’m really thankful that we’ve always shared a strong partnership in parenting. I am very grateful that you are their Dad. I hope you have a wonderful Father’s day. Love, MDU"
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I wish i were as self aware as you have been through those last several posts. Wow, great job! I love how you saw the positive effect of allowing time to respond, noticing triggers, and being aware of the right frame of mind (no alcohol) to respond. The decisions you made as a result were good ones.
Not making the fathers day card about your troubles, good. Being gracious about the scout event, good and he noticed.
Let me say, as mom to older boys, 6 year olds lie to get out of trouble. It is a learning experience. Don't freak out, just explain the consequences for whatever he's in trouble for just got bigger because he added lying to the wrong things he did. The more you panic or go overboard with punishments, the more incentive he has to figure out how to lie better. Treat it as a normal thing to train him out of, with love. Above all stop your thinking any time you find yourself imagining parallels or irony or any connection at all with H's lies.
No matter what h is doing to his marriage, he sounds like a good dad capable of teaching his kid that lying is not allowed. The swirl of emotions you have about that exist only in your mind and you can turn them off, they will not help you. Feel them, vent them, release them when you can. Sounds like you can do that!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Having a good day so far. Got up early and finally got my butt on the treadmill. Ran just 2 miles but it's a start! Got a new phone yesterday and have been having fun figuring it out, txt chatted with H last night for over an hour. It's nice but at the same time sad because it's amazing how incredibly disconnected we had become. With my new phone I'm able to connect to some music I wasn't able to previously so very much enjoying that!
After running I went outside and FINALLY got up the nerve to conquer the riding lawn mower! I probably pissed off my neighbors running it somewhat early on a Sunday morning but I was so stinkin proud of myself for getting on that thing and getting the lawn done myself! It's just another good reminder of how silly I can be, I am bright and successful, why the heck this fear of the riding lawn mower? Dumb.
Meanwhile H txtd me while I was outside. S gave him my handwritten card. H txtd me "thank you for the card, it brought tears to my eyes". I'd say for sure his LL is words of affirmation. I txtd back a smiley, he txtd back a heart (first heart he has txtd me in all this and actually first heart he has txtd me in a long, long, LONG time). I waited a bit and ended up txting back a heart as well.
Later this morning/early afternoon I will go visit my Dad. It will be a bit tough as he has not been adjusting well to being in a home. But my brother is coming up to visit as well and he is extremely entertaining and comical so he'll help keep it light. This evening I'm volunteering again at the Ronald McDonald House. I hope that it's as good as the first time, such a wonderful experience helping others, especially right now, gives me some very much needed perspective.
All in all this could be a tough day given it would normally be a time to celebrate all together and obviously we're separate right now. But overall I am so proud and pleased with my progress and my plans to get through it. I am feeling positive and strong. I hope I can sustain it through the day and hope that everyone else is having a good one!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I'm also continuing to remind myself to be patient! I keep wanting/expecting him to call me any day now and say he wants to make a time to talk about in house separation. I'm trying to remind myself to SLOW down because really, I need this time away too to work on myself and get my head screwed on straight! No rush!!!
I'll borrow Cadet's line: You've been given the gift of time, use it wisely.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I liked what you wrote in the card for H. It is all about him as a Dad. Glad to see that you didn't bring up the incident for it has no place in the card at all.
Yup, got the antsy pantsy feeling again. Slow down and cherish every moment with H. I want to caution you that H may not bring up about "coming" home and working on an in-house separation. I believe H's actions will show you where his thoughts are...pay attention to those actions.
He isn't going to proclaim from the rooftop that he's gonna go back home. Not happening. I've seen many WAH here just slowly slide back in home. The apology may or may not happen.
You've got to think about the big picture here. Getting your M back on track and reuniting the family unit. That is the big prize, MDU.
You're doing really good in DBing your butt off here!
As for the lawn mower, it wasn't too bad at all...was it?
