Hi, I'm new here and looking for advice and support. Seven weeks ago, my husband blindsided me by telling me that he hadn't been happy in a long time, was having an affair, and wanted to separate. I insisted on counseling instead of separation, and we have been a few times together. We have three kids at home who are unaware of any issue between us. I have read DB, but I'm a little lost as to what to do next. I just never thought I'd be in this position, totally didn't see it coming.
Thank you cadet. I am trying to GAL, I know I haven't had much of one with a full time job, 3 kids, a house to take care of. I don't even know much about myself anymore.
H and I have been going to counseling for a few sessions, I know some of you don't believe in it, but it was a way to buy time when he said he wanted to move out. He is very closed off, never wants to talk about anything. He did say he had put the OW "on hold" but appears he's still talking to her at least.
He is leaving Tuesday for a business trip and then I am taking the kids to visit family in another state. We will be apart 2 weeks and I'm concerned what will happen once I'm out of the picture. Any advice?
So H and DD11 left for a trip this morning, it's something that has been planned for a year. I know I will be talking to DD several times a day. What should I do about communication with H? Should I just stick with DD and not initiate with H? The problem I have with that is that I will be leaving with the other 2 kids later in the week while he will be coming home. I'm afraid that if I don't make any contact while we are apart, he'll just live in fantasy land with OW the whole time. Not sure what to do. Words of wisdom?
I'm sorry you find yourself here. However , this board is a wealth of information and support.
What do you want to talk with your h about while on vacation? And you cannot control what he thinks or feels about OW. You calling or texting him will not prevent him from living in fantasyland.
I say go, have fun with your D, and enjoy every minute of your trip.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
RPPFL - I am so sorry that you are here. Stick with the boards. The one thing that I have learned is that I may not be able to save my M, but I have save me.
Your sitch is similar to mine. I have a full time job, three kids. I knew that we had problems, but was blindsided when my H took his bags and moved out. We had been in MC but it was clear that he did not want to be there. Things actually improved a bit once he was gone. He was not so angry.
The hardest thing to learn is that there is not one thing that you will do to bring him back or make him go for good. Just focus on yourself and let your H be. He will live in his fantasy land regardless of whether you call. The harder I tried to reason with my H or get close to him or bring him back into reality, the further he ran in the opposite direction.
Even if it is hard, enjoy your trip with your kids. Leave your H alone and dont communicate with him unless it is absolutely necessary. I never call my H. I communication with him about the kids via text/email. Right after BD, H would get pissed if I called because he thought I was trying to snoop and track him down. So I just stopped and still dont call him. It was the one boundary that I was able to follow and it stopped me from pursing him.
Take one day at a time. In the beginning, I literally printed out a calendar and crossed off the days that I did not pursue, cry and beg. It got easy every day that passed. Since I work and have three little kids, I made plans in advance, started IC, took yoga and now I am doing golf lessons. You will start felling like RPPFL again, not just a wife, employee or mommy. It will give you the strength to keep moving forward.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. However , this board is a wealth of information and support.
What do you want to talk with your h about while on vacation? And you cannot control what he thinks or feels about OW. You calling or texting him will not prevent him from living in fantasyland.
I say go, have fun with your D, and enjoy every minute of your trip.
This ^^^^. You cannot control him, and he will do what he will do.
rrpfl, what were your husband's prior (prior to his affair, I mean) marital complaints? Were you aware that things had gotten this bad?
We need a little more background here in order to help you.
Also, are the counseling sessions costing you $$$$, or are they covered by some sort of EAP plan? As I'm sure you know, they're really not going to be effective as long as there's a third person in the marriage.
You are all right. He will do what he will do. I guess I would have simply talked/texted him about the day, what the kids and I did, etc. Things we would have normally talked about. But none of that is going to make a difference to our relationship. It's just really difficult to let go.
Starsky, I was completely unaware that things had gotten this bad. We were busy with jobs, three kids, etc. etc., and I just was clueless. I really didn't know he had any marital complaints. In retrospect, maybe that was the problem, that I was unaware, I just thought it was a busy time in our lives and took it for granted that we would be there for each other once the kids were older and/or out of the house (oldest leaves for college this fall).
He now says that his main complaints were 1) the house was not clean enough, the main culprit being my closet. MY closet, not his, not the rest of the house. It was in fact a mess for a while, but looked great when all this happened. And 2) over the years my weight has gone up and down. Yes it has, although I've never been truly overweight except post-pregnancy, and I've been at a normal weight consistently for a couple of years. I don't mean to dismiss his issues, but these sound like pretty flimsy excuses to me. There's more to it, I just don't know what it is.
Counseling is out of pocket. I know that OW needs to go, and our counselor has told him as much. But I'm not going to be the one to nag about it. I'm hoping she will turn into the nagging woman I am not.
My h said the house was too clean:). Any other issues you can think of? I understand life got busy. Did you 2 spend much alone time together?
Just out of curiosity....did your h actually announce he was having an affair? That's not always the case so from reading your post it sounded like he said "I'm done and I'm having an affair."
Change what you need to FOR you. Focus on you and the kids. Calling your h or texting him about your day will only make him shut down more IMHO. In regards to MC, please be aware that WASs use that forum as the opportunity to say, " See! I did everything. Even counseling and it STILL didn't work." Many of us have been there.
I probably would save my $$$$ on MC. If your h doesn't want the marriage to work and isn't committed to the M, you will get a greater return on your investment playing slot machines in Vegas. I would take that money and use towards IC.
I know it's difficult. Try to enjoy your vacation. Your kids are d is this age only once. Have fun!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/10/1403:33 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
