This is all from a mutual friend of WAW amd I, a spy for me so the speak.
1. W has said she knows she made mistakes in M 2. mutual friends feels there is no OM 3. W thinks we may not be "right" for each other 4. W doesn't want to screw me over, still cares about me
I am going to meet W on Wednesday to talk about finances. I live on base now and she lives in the apartment. W is supposed to leave for school sometime late July to early August.
During this meeting I plan to talk business, avoid any talks about M/R and also to keep it short as possible. I also plan to read and finish ILYB, INILWY by Andrew G. Marshall.
I realize part of my contribution to the state of the M is I avoided anger/fights because I grew up in a quiet house hold. I realize I should have engaged in arguments because part of the ILYB is a lack of understand and intimacy. And to elaborate further, I understand I need to complain rather than criticize. The difference is saying "I feel" statements as opposed to saying "You make me feel" statements.
I'm also going to the gym more than I used to as part of my 180.
Thoughts?
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Do you really want a D? If not, then don't file. I think you are "filing" to get a reaction from your W. Don't. It won't work at all.
Originally Posted By: Riley She's been away from the apt for 2 days now. I'm filing for divorce. Going LRT, I realize I made mistakes and I can work on those and she won't. Maybe she can convince me but that window is shrinking.
What window are you talking about here? Talk your thoughts out here and we'll give you some support.
You've only been at this not even two weeks and you are acting based on emotions. Not good. Calm down and step back a moment. This is a marathon....not a sprint in the 50-yard dash.
^^^Listen to Wonka.
Take it from me. I reacted in the same way and really regretted it.
Take time to calm down and think things through. The situation sounds very emotionally volatile. Use this forum to vent and voice what you are thinking. The outside perspective is invaluable when all you want to do is to react.
What are your objectives/goals?"
Goal: I want to be happily married and not be where I am at.
Objective: 1 Find out what went wrong 2 fix them in the best way possible
"In essence, I was very immature about relationships, in my understanding of what my wife wanted and what she was feeling.
I was so afraid of loosing her that I eventually would do anything to avoid conflict. I mistakenly thought that if I let her make the decisions, it would show her how considerate and loving I was being. I was the classic Mr. Nice Guy (A good book that explains this in detail is :"No More Mr. Nice Guy").
She only seemed to get more hostile. At the time, I was completely baffled. I didn't understand what was happening. I kept saying 'I am so confused right now. I am doing everything you are asking me to (cleaning house and running errands) but it does not seem to make a difference to you.'
The common issue she brought up was that she felt she was doing everything on her own and that she needed a real partner. The more she would 'attack me', the more I would withdraw, became very resentful of her.
Communication became very bad. I felt like she was not able to really articulate what was going wrong and suggested MC. We stopped after a few sessions and eventually I became a WAH with an overwhelming need to just get some space.
The deferring habit hit home again a few months ago and really woke me up as to how passive I had become in our M. After nearly a year, we had been slowly piecing and we took a walk through town. She asked me where we should go for coffee, and without thinking, I said "Wherever you want to go, doesn't matter to me."
She blew up at this and told me she just wanted me to make decisions.
It took a long time, and much later after the fact, for me to realize that I was not being emotionally available and I lacked decisiveness in our relationship. In other words, I was not being the man she needed me to be. The husband she thought I was. I was behaving like a kid. She was tired of being my mother."
I think I have become passive over time. I think my W may have said she feels like she is my mother, I can't remember right now. I think we do have similar problems.
So knowing that my W has said D a few times and I ended up filing for D after all, what should be done now? So far she has made no statement about wanting to stop the D. I meet with her Wednesday to talk about finances and I plan to keep it short. Like I said earlier I want to be in a happy M and I think she does need to seek counseling of some sort and get back on her meds. I plan to call and see a counselor myself this week or next just for more support.
Thanks
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
I've never felt worse than I do now. Im listening to "I'm Giving Up On You" drinking a bottle of wine.
I thought I felt bad before but not like this.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
A lot to digest and mull over for sure! We're plugging for you, buddy.
You wrote:
Goal: I want to be happily married and not be where I am at. Right now...that is not attainable goal because your W is gone. What about a goal for YOU? DBing is all about working on yourself. That is the gift of time that our dear friend Cadet talks about in his introduction to newbies. Use that time to make 180's, read and learn, and become a better man. During that process, you'll be able re-attract W to you once again.
Objective: 1 Find out what went wrong I think you already know what went wrong...but just refusing to acknowledge your role in this M breakdown. What do you think went wrong based on what W has told you and your own thoughts? 2 fix them in the best way possible You must do #1 first in order to do number 2. Mind you, you cannot fix them with W as she's not a willing participant at this point.
Use this time to change some things YOU don't like about yourself because you'll need to live with and be comfortable with these changes. Don't use those changes as a ploy to get your W back. You make the changes to make YOURSELF feel good about you and be proud of the 'new' Brandon.
She only seemed to get more hostile. At the time, I was completely baffled. I didn't understand what was happening. I kept saying 'I am so confused right now. I am doing everything you are asking me to (cleaning house and running errands) but it does not seem to make a difference to you.'
She's mad that you are NOW doing this instead of heeding her words before and making those corrections. You waited until she left to do them and of course that makes her mad. Also she is keeping you firmly at arm's length to maintain the Berlin Wall as a self-protection mechanism. She's deeply hurt and wounded.
The deferring habit hit home again a few months ago and really woke me up as to how passive I had become in our M. After nearly a year, we had been slowly piecing and we took a walk through town. She asked me where we should go for coffee, and without thinking, I said "Wherever you want to go, doesn't matter to me."
She blew up at this and told me she just wanted me to make decisions.
Wow. That is key info from W to tuck in the back of your head and work on it pronto! No woman likes a weak man. They like to see their men take charge once in a while and be decisive in their decisions/actions.
So knowing that my W has said D a few times and I ended up filing for D after all, what should be done now? So far she has made no statement about wanting to stop the D.
Just because W brings up the dreaded D word a coupla times doesn't mean that you must file. If she really wants D so bad, let her do the leg work herself. You can ask your lawyer to stay the D and put it on the back burner.
A lot of times the WAS will proclaim that they'll file for D and procrastinate in filing. This is where we use the time wisely in working on ourselves. That is the true essence of DBing.
I meet with her Wednesday to talk about finances and I plan to keep it short. Like I said earlier I want to be in a happy M and I think she does need to seek counseling of some sort and get back on her meds.
When you do discuss finances, you would want to stick to the bare facts and not get drawn into arguments. As for counseling, you cannot control W. It has to be up to her to seek it.
Some of the comments you replied to aren't things I wrote although some still apply to me. I think looking back I was a WAS and I did have a computer game addiction and ultimately neglected her. She has never admitted any wrong doing on her part to me but has admitted to a mutual friend. I have a spy so to speak.
I do appreciate the reply and I hope I can continue to get more information and advice in the future on how to proceed.
I am also changing for me. Yesterday was rough but I plan to continue to do job related requirements for promotions. And also to not purchase any alcohol for a while.
I will consider staying the divorce papers, or destroying them if that isn't the same thing. Time will tell me what is best.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
The talk happened today: I said I would pay for this month and next months' everything (rent, internet, power and water, my jeep and her car insurance) and then I would take my half of the tax return and that'd be it.) She ended the conversation with calling me a c**k sucker and then texted me twice saying I was putting the divorce on her and not taking my half of the fault.
She then facebook stalked me and texted "f**k you" because my facebook comment was "so happy :)".... I don't get it. I haven't "fed" her anger but she obviously doesn't want to work on this but my happiness is offensive to her. Bull***t.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
