I must be nuts to still have hope

[RedHawk98]

To cut a very long story short, my wife left me in April 2013 to pursue a relationship with her boss at the time.
This happened as a result of a tough time at home. My dying grandfather, my somewhat tight knit family, and myself buckling under financial stress and dwindling confidence.

All along, she has denied this to the hilt. Will only admit to this and turn nasty when presented with evidence. That I have had to go and find.

My wife finds it very easy to lie through her teeth in text and on the phone.
In person, she can barely look me in the eye.

I filed for divorce last month. I just couldn't take waiting for her to do it any longer. Taking a deep breath before I opened my front door when I came home from work, wsiting for that A4 envelope was killing me. Filing gave me some control

While we did have some minor troubles in our marriage, things were blown totally out of proportion by her to justify her leaving. And her continued refusal to come home or at least take steps that might lead to a reconcilliation.

Her last words to me were "I know you think it's easy to come back feom all this, but it's not".
Just as vague as all the Affair Fog babble that us BS hear.

I still love my wife, but few marriages in her family have survived. In mine, everyone has fought to keep them in times of trouble.

I have addressed every change both my wife and I wanted in myself. I feel happier and stronger than I did a year ago.
Sadly, my wife's strong sense of character and morals have gone the opposite way. She spends time with people who have done nothing but encourage her actions. People who were always very jealous of the happiness our marriage once had.

I am at Stage 2 of the divorce proceedings now. I just can't go through with it.

[Starsky309]

RH98,

Your story made me sad, but as you've of course learned from reading these forums, it's -- sadly -- not unusual.

What is the waiting period for a D in your state?

There's nothing that says that you two can't get back together down the road. Something like 20%, I believe, of divorced couples end up getting back together and those that do almost always report their relationship being stronger than it's ever been. Continue to handle yourself with strength and honor, and keep things civil and dignified with your wife, and there's no telling what the future might hold. She just may be one of those (like my wife was!) that has to have the big D bolt strike 'em in the head before they come to their senses.

Starsky

[RedHawk98]

Thank you.
In the UK, there is no real waiting period. There are three steps that have to be taken by the petitioner.i have done the first, which is to issue grounds for divorce. She signed and returned them. You don't even have to agree with the grounds.

Today I sent a text saying that I believe that now is the perfect time for us to resolve our differences. So that we might move on under better terms.
(No more lies for example and the real truth)
I have no idea if this person that abused his managerial position is still involved with my wife or if they are living together.

The D didn't wake her up. However, I sent a letter last week explaining that my failings were down to a slow loss of confidence. Not that I never listened to her.

Of course, the general belief of her friends and most of my family is that I almost deserved this.

[MrBond]

"While we did have some minor troubles in our marriage, things were blown totally out of proportion by her to justify her leaving. And her continued refusal to come home or at least take steps that might lead to a reconcilliation."

Detail what the troubles were. Although they might seem "minor" to you, they may not have been for her.

Have you read DB or DR?

[RedHawk98]

Minor troubles mostly stemmed from a slow loss of confidence in myself.
I had a lot of difficulty changing my job and I began to struggle to contribute equally.
I also stopped dressing up as much for a short time.
There were also a few misunderstandings developing due to me becoming a little withdrawn. Especially as my grandfather health was quite the rollercoaster before his passing.
(My wife only made one request for changes in me a few days before he died. Obviously, I was not as fast to comply as she wanted)

I have read both books. But at this point, where I am being ignored despite being positive and helpful, I'm at a loss as to what to do now.

[RedHawk98]

Prior to the arrival of this boss of hers, she was fiercely proud of her marriage and of myself.
I appreciate that happy people don't have affairs, but it was clear that this period of unhappiness was not going to be permanent.

[Starsky309]

I appreciate that happy people don't have affairs . . .

Actually, this is a myth. I believe it was either Janis Spring or the Harleys that did some pretty extensive research (using their own practice and experience with infidelity), and found that something like 20-25% of the affairs presented came from a marriage that both spouses characterized as healthy and even happy.

Never underestimate the power of just pure lust and excitement, coupled with some good old-fashioned poor boundaries.

But yeah, in the overwhelming majority of cases, the betrayed spouse has some work to do . . . often MAJOR work.


Starsky

[RedHawk98]

She did tell me that she was unhappy a few days before the "My feelings have changed" bomb drop.
I must admit, this unhappy period really only existed through Dec-March 2013
She helped my brother and his girlfriend during a rough patch for them in November 2012. Using us as a reference and still referring to us as soul mates.
Obviously, when I reminded her of that she said "Hmm, I don't remember sayimg that".

WS, they certainly know how to twist a BS up.

I know I should give up by now and just get the divorce over with. But marriage is worth fighting for, despite the fact that most people look at you with pity for trying

[zew]

I know I should give up by now and just get the divorce over with. But marriage is worth fighting for, despite the fact that most people look at you with pity for trying

If you believe marriage is worth fighting for, you should carry on. At least you will address your issues now, to ensure that you don't carry that baggage forward into your next relationship.

You will not find better support than right here.

Don't worry about other people's pity for you. That is their problem. Your deal is standing up for what you believe and never having to apologize for lack of trying to live up to your beliefs.

[RedHawk98]

Cheers!
I addressed all my issues a while ago and am far removed from the sorry state I got into a year ago.
I still believe that if we were to actually spend tme together regularly, her mind would change.
As it usuallt does and I witness her tryimg to talk herself out of any progress.