Two days ago, I laid it on the line, asking for reconciliation. He said he needed time to think, and that he would tell me with clear words. I offered him all the time in the world, although I am struggling and was not sure how much more of me was left. I am not waiting.
With Job's advice : I made myself very clear. You do not need to clarify anything else. Leave him be to mull things over. Step back, leave the rope on the ground and go about your business. Actions speak louder than words...give him the time and space he requires. You can't rush this...
I was all for doing that ^^^^. I had this....
Today, I was trying to do just that.... but, again didn't know how display the above and how to handle or to go about this offer of auction cocktails. I got tripped up! Many of you offered your opinion & thank you. I enjoy having a team!!
Starsky, I believe I understood what you were suggesting, it was difficult to read all the responses earlier as it was on my phone and in such small print. Not like now on the computer.
I went with my initial thought.
Several times though out the day he "assumed" I was going. He brought coffee to work & at the end of the day stated "well, I guess its time to get going". As he was walking past me .... I said kinda in a down voice "I'm not so sure its a good idea, maybe a rain check" and headed to my car. He quickly recovered with a peppy "ok well, I'm still going to go". He then walked back over to my car and reminded me that tomorrow we will still have to go remove vehicles from that location (as that was part of his strategy for multi-tasking tonight too). I said "I'm just not feeling it tonight" and left.
I would not have deprived myself from going if I felt that the event had something more to offer me than free food. I do not feel like I am missing anything. I only wanted to go to be with him, honestly... which I know is not a good enough reason.
After much discussion with my friend and daughter, they are supportive of my decision as it stands behind my original position of self-value.
Why am I twisting myself to be with a guy who is selfish, confused & doesn't know what he wants? Why am I so eager to be with him for a mere 1 hour event that isn't all that attractive or have much to offer to me? I wouldn't be going otherwise if he didn't want to go. This isn't a date & it isn't business... not sure what it is!!
So... why do I feel like I am playing a game?.... ????? I hope its not coming across as one, as it is not.
I said no for me not his reaction!
As G'belle says: Let xbf think whatever it is he thinks about your not going. << I am not worried about what he thinks.... but, more about what I think and what my "team" thinks???? I really resonated to a T with what you were saying... thank you!!
As Sandi says: I know how frustrating it is to be with a man who won't communicate the way you can understand.....or maybe not say what you are hoping to hear. Really, I do. But why should he make any attempt to change his style, when he knows you won't be able to leave it be.....and will try to get him to say/do whatever it is you want. (Back to getting your way again.) .... I am not willing to do it THAT way ANYMORE... I am putting "SPIKE" in the cage. This is another reason I did not go. Also Sandi, I have stopped that pressure a while ago... but I did add it a few days ago, in the form of "asking".
Starsky: I now see that you reposted ALL of Sandi's comments, but not sure of the exact point you were trying to make... was it just about shutting my mouth? Cuz, I could have done that tonight... but felt it wasn't authentic to the way I was feeling. I am really surprised at your suggestion to pack duct tape & go... why?
Am I not allowed to feel like not going, without feeling like its game-playing? or someone telling me it is.. when it isn't. My not going was not to "punish" him....it was for me!
I felt so good for the past 2 days, I was feeling strong about myself... only to get tripped up.
What do my ACTIONS of tonite say to you?
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Going to have a shower, have dinner with DD & watch TV... not going to drag this out anymore tonight.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, I'm glad to see that you made a decision and the decision was for you and only you. You were satisfied w/that decision and that was all that mattered. My point was that you had options and you needed to think about those options and decide which one best suited you.
If you didn't think you would gain anything from the social and weren't really interested in going, then it wasn't a game. You did what was best for you.
Today is a new day and hopefully will prove to be a good day for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good morning Magic. I wanted to refer to your post before the last thread had closed.
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Starsky/job --I can go. I can keep my mouth shut. No problem. But why does most everyone lean towards me going? With the exception being sandi? I am surprised that starsky said go. If I bring duct tape. Is there a point/ lesson here?
As I recall, in just a post or two from the one about the event, you were frustrated by the lack of control over your mouth, and I think you had made a comment about putting duct tape over your mouth. Starsky has a sense of humor, and the way I see it, was simply referring to the duct tape (as you had done so previously).
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Sandi-- oddly this is exactly the kind of first dates we had because going to am auction the first 20 times is new and exciting. He is not needing my assistance to go to this. Yes. I need to stop chasing this guy and thought I could do it starting a couple days ago, dropping the rope and not accepting this crumb today.
I would be interested in knowing how you interpret "dropping the rope". The way I see it in my mind is like you are literally holding onto a rope that has the other end tied to your xbf. If you ever played Tug of War with two teams pulling on opposite ends of the rope, that's the picture I'd like you to have, only in this case there are just you and xbf and he's facing the opposite direction....b/c he's trying to get away from you. (And before you tell me he's not trying to get away from you......just go along with me for a minute.). So, you really have your heels dug in and pulling as hard as you can to draw him back. But the harder you tug, the more he is resisting and watching everything else. Now, what would happen if you suddenly dropped your end of the rope......and left it laying on the ground? I can see him stumbling around, almost falling on his face! He wonders what just happen, so he turns around to LOOK at you to see what you are DOING. If you grab your end of the rope and start jerking it again, he'll proceed with what he was previously doing. But what if you don't pick it up?
Magic, if it did not at least make the man curious as to why you dropped the rope........then it was all a big waste of time, and you sure don't want to continue wasting your energy trying to pull him in.....when he doesn't care any more than that!
So whenever I refer to dropping the rope, that's the picture I have. Of course, the rope symbolizes "pressure". You use pressure trying to reel him in. But since you are not the one who walked away from the R, I din't think you realize all the things that are pressure to him.
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Two days ago, I laid it on the line, asking for reconciliation. He said he needed time to think, and that he would tell me with clear words. I offered him all the time in the world, although I am struggling and was not sure how much more of me was left. I am not waiting.
Was that after you decided to drop the rope? B/c once that rope is dropped, you don't return to say, "In case you don't get it.......I really, really am trying to pull you in!". (My words of course). But that's essentially what you did. And the whole business of asking him if last night was a date? His reaction told me he tried to jerk that darn rope out of your hand. I mean, if I read it correctly, he was certainly not charming, and frankly, acted rude IMO. But that's how a WAS acts when pressured. Asking him (even in a light-hearted way) if it was some big date was tightening that rope and yanking hard.
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With Job's advice : I made myself very clear. You do not need to clarify anything else. Leave him be to mull things over. Step back, leave the rope on the ground and go about your business. Actions speak louder than words...give him the time and space he requires. You can't rush this...
Right! When you leave the rope and get busy living/working/playing, then if xbf cares enough to really look at what's going on........that's what he'll see. But the biggest thing is he feels no pressure from you.
Maybe it was in the previous thread, you made reference how everyone seemed to lean toward you going to the event last night.....except Sandi. I suppose it goes back to how one interrupts b/c I thought everyone bent over backward not to tell you what to decide about it.
So communication may be challenging. I remember once writing a post with what I intended to show my sarcastic humor. But unfortunately, it was misunderstood. So it happens.
Put last night's event to bed, and don't feel you have to defend your decisions. You don't have to thrash out line by line of what everyone said......in an attempt to justify your decision to stay home. We can accept it. The question is.....can you?
I hope you have a good day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good Morning Job ~ Yes, I made a decision based on me only. However, yesterdays struggle was about how to make a decision based on the position of dropping the rope. I want to be giving him his time, but not waiting anymore. I wanted to know what response to give based on that. I want to do the things that reflect I am dropping the rope!
Im not sure if it was the right response, as I don't know what giving up looks like.
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Good Morning Sandi ~ Yes, I have stopped pressurizing him months ago which I believe led to some interest from him. 3 days ago, I pressured again while asking for reconciliation. I do understand the "dropping the rope" picture. I have read it before. Tx. I did drop it and he wondered. It was a dance. But, I am tired of the dance. I wanted a firm yes or no, but got "I dunno" again and "I will think & give you a clear answer"...... So, I am hoping he is "thinking". Which, I truly believe he does from time to time, but not with any point to decide. I told him I am tired of circular convo's that lead nowhere. Time to decide!!! Its like he doesn't take me seriously or appreciate what is right in front of him...for now!
Maybe you make a point when you say that I don't realize all the things that are pressure for him... I guess I don't. But, I truly am out of his way and I have no intention of pressuring him any further. I want to know "his" decision, without my pressured input.
Last night after painfully making the decision not to go, was like me not picking up the rope. It is something that I would not have normally done.
I really felt that pretty much everyone was leaning for me to go... as long as I could bring my duct tape. I did not feel that anyone TOLD me what to do. Today, I am still trying to understand how going would have helped me/circumstance. I really don't get it. Especially coming from Starsky. I am not offended in anyway. I joke too calling it stfu or duct tape.
I can easily carry on today... its a new day. Although, I really want to take and learn my lesson from this. I am asking you Starsky to please explain further.... or if someone can explain his point, I would really appreciate it.
I can accept my decision to stay home, if it reflects the action of dropping the rope.... is it?
I want my actions to show that I love you but I am letting go.... I am not a toy that you can pick up and play with when you want. If you change your mind, I will listen to you then. I am not waiting.
How can I display my actions as above, but yet still enjoy time with him? I feel its contradictory...which is why I couldn't go last night, this is what I was twisting about... please help me understand???
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Sandi's posting is excellent in describing dropping the rope. Here is a example of a posting from another forum that I frequent:
"I understood why people were telling me to drop the rope, I WANTED to drop the darn thing, I just had zero idea HOW to do it. And that was supremely frustrating.
At first, I pretended I had. I started using "STBXH" instead of "WH". I tried to fool myself. Then I started making decisions for me, without thinking of how he'd react. This was hard at first - it took me months to hire a contractor to finish the house because "what if he wants to come home and I've picked a color he doesn't like and then he'll be mad at me!" (seriously, I was initially paralyzed by that....now it just sounds pathetic) Making those decisions for me made feel more empowered, more in control of my life, and much less reliant on him. When he said something negative about the color I picked, I was able to say "I like it." and rather than be upset that he disapproved I was more irritated that he thought he had a say. The rope was allllllmost dropped.
For me, the final turning point was when I stopped having expectations. I stopped expecting him to react in X way if I did Y. I stopped doing things designed to get him to respond in Z way (temperature-checking). I stopped analyzing why he responded in certain ways. It doesn't matter. His brain is a black box (which sometimes I think is quite empty), and WHY he acts/reacts is his problem, not mine. I'm not going to change my actions to change his (except in coparenting - it's important to figure out a way to improve the coparenting relationship).
There's probably a few strands of the rope caught on my belt or on the sole of my shoe. It may take me a little while to root those out and sever them. But I'm no longer trying to/wishing to control him or his actions, and I'm not longer giving him the mental space in my head to control he or mine.
And no, he doesn't like it. He's tried harder to put me back in my place, trying to elicit reactions that he expects. The more I don't react in the way he thinks I would/should, the angrier he gets. That is his problem. I feel sorry for him that he has so much anger to carry, because it doesn't look like fun. But I feel no urge whatsoever to do anything about it beyond praying that he finds peace and happiness. I'd feel the same way about a coworker who acted like that. To me, that's the biggest sign that the rope is dropped."
How did you feel after making your decision not to go last night? Did it bother you? Where you second guessing yourself? Your decision not to go should be based on what YOU felt about the situation and whether or not it would have proven beneficial for you to go. Decisions can be difficult at times and that's why I told you that you had three decisions to choose from. My guess is that you made the right one for you at that time. Magic, stop second guessing yourself. If you were happy w/your decision, then it was the right one for YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am totally second guessing myself because I have never really said NO to him before.
It feels very uncomfortable. I fear the outcome. I fear that he will see this as a game & play back or that I don't want him anymore & will take that seriously and let me go.
My DD helped me with a context.... to think of my action as like I put him in a "time out". I told him to go "think", so go THINK!!!
I really want him to see this as an "opportunity" to get things right with me.
I really want me to be OK with what ever outcome.
He tried to sneak out of his time-out chair yesterday...I was tested.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
TX GM but I was wanting to KNOW what decision was in line with my stance. I couldn't see it... Im still not even sure I see it.
I stand by my decision... I just don't understand it & WOW did it ever affect me yesterday. <<< This is what I am analyzing today. Not him...but me!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Stop analyzing a decision that was made yesterday. The decision was not to go and it's over and done with. Now, it's time to focus on today and what you are doing for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You seem very sweet and intelligent, Magic. I just read your response about fearing that your h thinks you may not want him anymore or may let you go because you told him "no." Honestly, how has always saying yes to him been working for you as of late?
Brief hijack. When I was 21, I met "the one" (I feel silly typing that). I had just graduated from college and he was a senior. We had very similar values, goals, work ethics and upbringings. Surely this will work, right? He was never over his hs girlfriend. She was always the elephant in the room. He even referred to me as his fiancee for the early years of our 7 years together. We totally got each other. Same sense of humor, beliefs, etc. We bought a house together, sailboat, rescued 2 dogs, etc. We played house.
At the 7 year mark, I was done. Why? I wanted to get married and have a family and he did too. He never said it until I announced I was leaving. He wanted those things too but did not see that with me. I loved him very much and I never doubted his love for me. He was my best friend and was still pining for his hs xgf. So, I packed up and moved out. I was sad. Seriously. I listened to depressing songs and ate Haagen Daz in my new large walk in closet in my new apartment. I was petrified. Didn't he realize what a great fit we were? Didn't he know how good we were together? Friends and his family said he missed me. That he was just stubborn about getting married. I knew that may be true, but it was more about me verus getting married. (I am not saying this is your xbf) I would get excited that he was going to "come around." I was tempted many times to reach out to him about reconcilliation. I NEVER spoke of our R after that day. Never. Not a peep. We could chat and laugh (and we did-frequently), but never had any R talk. Why? I knew if he wanted to be with me he would show me. Because he knew where I lived. If he wanted to reconcile or at least talk about the R, he knew exactly how to reach me. He had my number. Several months later, I began dating my h and xbf married x-gf from hs. I went to their wedding. She left him a year and half later. He remarried a couple of years later. She looks EXACTLY like me and is very similar to me. The point? Xbf was never going to commit to ME even though he wanted commitment. I'm sorry that was long-it does remind me of your story.
Analyzing what you do is not dropping the rope. You x bf knows how to get in touch with you. If he wants an R with you, you will know. It will be very clear and obvious. That I am pretty sure of.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I can easily carry on today... its a new day. Although, I really want to take and learn my lesson from this. I am asking you Starsky to please explain further.... or if someone can explain his point, I would really appreciate it.
I believe he did explain his point, Magic, but instead of letting it go, you keep chewing on it. If he tries again, then you get more confused. Ever heard the expression "straining at a nat and swallowing a camel"? I think you let one thing said out of several posts distract you. Either you don't see the point being made or you want further explanation......which is okay, except while you are distracted, you may miss something else.
We were all saying the same thing about going to the event. We just used different words to say it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
