Seriously, I just do not know how to get out of my own way. Feeling so heartbroken today. The kids are back with H tonite. I hate this. I do have plans to get out and GAL and while it helps some I still will have to face that big empty house alone tonite. S had a doc appt this am and H txted and asked me to let him know how it goes. I called him and told him about it and while he was pleasant it's obviously all business/kids again. I just don't feel strong enough to do this. I feel like I am losing my mind.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Ended up having a decent night last night. Kids were with H and I was supposed to go out with friends but that got cancelled last minute. Was able to get together with another friend (so glad I reached out to her!) and she helped reinforce that it's best to just sit back, work on myself and let H be for a while. When I start getting anxious/depressed about things I want to confront him so her counsel was really timely since I was feeling so badly yesterday.
She also helped me come up with some good GAL plans: *Host BBQ at home with my kids, her, her daughter and grandson *Plan group BBQs at local state parks *Join a knitting group *Pursue a masters degree <---this one especially got me excited, I loved undergrad & grad school. The cost might be an issue but I'm going to begin researching!
I think I also need to begin really working on thought stopping. H is constantly on my mind and somehow I have to get him out of there! I am thinking about every little thing he does and what that *might* mean. I also have been obsessive about checking this site, as if there's some magic bullet if only I could find it. I did start reading some of the tips from successful DBers and think that has been a more positive approach.
Another nice thing last night, my stepdaughter came over and stayed with me. It was a little sad but nice to catch up. It was also just nice to have someone else in the house. She's going to stay tonight too so she can see the little ones. I slept pretty well, I think in part because I felt a little more confident going to sleep thinking about the strategy you suggested Maybell, thanks again!
I'm hopeful last night was a baby step in a more positive direction for me. I just need to force myself to be disciplined and actually follow through on all of the above!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
You're doing some good work, seeing that your thinking can be stinking. It's been called 'stinkin thinkin' by others. Well, at least you know when you're being obsessive. Now take action, which is difficult. Recently, I was being obsessive thinking and rewarded myself when I stopped doing it. Do that for yourself. It works for me and encourages self improvement and self esteem building. I wish I would have tried the reward process in the past. All I do for myself when I'm a good girl, is take a special moment for myself (doesn't always have to costs $) watch a movie I want 2 see, read a book, take a walk, treat myself to a bath, flowers, etc. Just a little reward.
Thanks owl! I like your reward idea, maybe I will give myself a bit of money ($1?) when I catch myself 'being good' and successfully change my thinking to something more positive. And then when I collect enough $$ I'll reward myself with a manicure, a new top or something else I would enjoy.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So earlier H and I briefly spoke about some kid logistics. He seemed pretty cold and business like. I was disappointed because the other day I called him to chat and he was quite warm and friendly and we chatted for 45 minutes. This is REALLY important bc H felt that 'being able to talk about anything' was a major thing that attracted him to me. And he and OW used to just chat quite a bit.
This afternoon I had to let him know some more logistics so I decided to experiment and see if I could get him to warm up/chat again. I called and put on my friendliest voice, told him what I needed to (he had offered to help with the kids tomorrow night because I thought I might need to help my parents but I don't) and then I: 1). thanked him for his offer to help and said that was really kind of him (working on words of affirmation, I think H's love language) and 2). successfully engaged him in some chit chat. And not just about the kids :-) We very pleasantly chatted for ~25 minutes. H even brought up a funny old memory between us. At the end he said 'It was nice chatting'.
Overall a very positive warm interaction.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
This is tough love stuff, but don't be spending too much time chatting with H. He obviously likes this and you don't want him thinking you're buddies, and it's okay to have this OW. Unfortunately, they end up with their cake and eat it too philosophy. Happens alot with other people who try to become friends, etc. Read other posts, etc. Stick with Sandi2's list. Brief friendly, conversations. No M & R talk. Sorry. This has to be difficult for you and all of us DBing. We just want it all fixed, but the truth is it'll never be what it was in the past and can be better for us if we grow.
Owl, thanks for the feedback. I hear ya and have discussed this with my DBing coach at length. First and foremost she advised to experiement and do what works in my particular sitch. In addition, because H was so unhappy in the M (truly, not just fog talking), I realisticaly do need to spend some time reminding him of the 'good' side of me/us. Yes, he maybe cake eating (although I have no hard evidence that A is continuing, he completely denies, but I do get that it's highly likely it is). I am just not in the best position to pull back hard and make him "see what he's missing". I'm probably not all that appealing to him at the moment, lol!
Btw, I am abiding by no M and R talks. It is just 'friendly' chitchat as you mentioned and I make sure to be the first to end the conversation. But overall, I think that refinding that we can be good friends will be a good reminder for him. Having said that, I certainly won't wait around forever for him to decide whether he wants to fully recommit to the M or not. But I am willing to hang for a a bit. Hope that makes sense! I know that there are very opposing sides on approach on this board.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
That's good. All of our situations are unique in some way. I never got a chance to DB since my H was so irrational and angry and we're almost D. Where you are is a better place than me, I'm sure. I'll keep up with your postings. I do hope for the best.
My stepdaughter is staying with me again tonight. The kids are back home and are so happy they got to see her. I'm so glad she feels comfortable enough to stay here with me without her Dad here. It's so nice to see her and have the extra company.
H and I had another interesting exchange. The fact that we are separated is making it's way around the neighborhood. Apparently folks are spreading that he's "moved out." I called H to find out if he was telling people this because in my mind "moved out" is different than "separated" and I'd like to know directly from him if something has changed. He said no, nothing has changed and he has not told anyone anything. Then we talked about how it didn't really matter what other people think and we can always disengage from the hood if we need to. Which was like a reconciliation conversation but not..
I'm sure it's actually all my fault everyone is talking. I have told a few people about the sitch and I guess they couldn't keep their mouths shut. I know this may adversely impact reconciliation but I have to say, I really feel like I needed the support for my survival in the early days/weeks, so I don't think I could/would change what I did.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
