What is my Next Move?

[Oxford1]

Continuation of:

Wife moved home

Ok

So someone exposed everything for me. I guess I did not act fast enough.

Now the wife says humiliating her is not the way to fix the marriage.

The issue though is she says she is still in love with me and is conflicted.

I am trying to figure out my next option.

[Oxford1]

I am at a loss over my next move.

This site keeps saying try different approaches but stick to one for a period of time.

Our collaborative Divorce Coach believes that I should accept her back in the home if she goes to OM for two weeks in his country.

Others at I should move out when she leaves and break all contact...

I have reasons for not being able to leave, I will If I must...

Looking for suggestions...

[Starsky309]

What the heck is a "collaborative divorce coach" ???

Personally (and I haven't read your background), if my wife were going off to be with another man for two weeks, and TOLD me about it, her stuff would all be boxed up and on the lawn when she got back. But that's just me.


Starsky

[HopefulStill]

Oxford,
I skimmed your posts. It sounds like you want someone here to determine what your boundaries should be. That's your job. For some, an A is a deal breaker. Others will turn a blind eye to infidelity and stay in a thankless and abusive marriage no matter what. For many, they are willing to work things out provided their spouse returns to the R and agrees to improve the M into what it should have been in the first place. Where on the scale do you fall?

It sounds like you are all over the place- you must get a hold of your emotions. Once you are calm and in touch with yourself, I think you'll know what to do. Asking for advice regarding a current course is one thing, but you seem to ask people on the board what "you should do" constantly. It's not our M- how do we know what you should do?

Not trying to attack you, just think you need to calm down and put your thoughts together.

-HS

[Oxford1]

Oxford,
I skimmed your posts. It sounds like you want someone here to determine what your boundaries should be. That's your job. For some, an A is a deal breaker. Others will turn a blind eye to infidelity and stay in a thankless and abusive marriage no matter what. For many, they are willing to work things out provided their spouse returns to the R and agrees to improve the M into what it should have been in the first place. Where on the scale do you fall?

It sounds like you are all over the place- you must get a hold of your emotions. Once you are calm and in touch with yourself, I think you'll know what to do. Asking for advice regarding a current course is one thing, but you seem to ask people on the board what "you should do" constantly. It's not our M- how do we know what you should do?

Not trying to attack you, just think you need to calm down and put your thoughts together.

-HS

Ok, I want I save my marriage. My wife and I get along better than ever, except she claims she is not ready to give up OM.
My thoughts are wrapped around Michelle saying that most affairs burn out in two years...she seems from one of the internet videos to say to ignore it?

That's my confusion

[Starsky309]

Ignore it and even if your wife ends OM1, she will very likely end up with OM2.

I have never seen MWD advise to simply ignore an affair. I believe what she teaches is, you can't spend all your efforts attacking the affair and fail to work on your own issues, or else there will be no "better man" for your wife to come back to, even IF she decides to return to the marriage.

The "Little Bo-Peep" approach doesn't work. Affairs are highly addictive, and I don't know of ANY addictions that just go away on their own. In fact, most escalate.


Starsky

[owl777]

I think, but could be wrong, you are coming to the wrong conclusion about the OM, and keep going down this road you'll have some regrets. Are you seeing a DBing coach? What is this collaborative coach? Things are "...better than ever..", so you've excepted this OM in your life too? Are you wanting an open marriage? If so, ask your wife if it's okay with her while she has the OM if you can have an OW? Fair is Fair. I guess the positive thing is you two are open about this OM. Find out who is really in charge here. If it's mutual and you just don't want us to know then what are you doing here DBing? I spose you can have OM & OW and not get divorced. Is that what you want? Is it about you two getting along better than ever even if you share the other S with somebody else? Hey, people stay in marriages for the kids and other reasons and are in all kinds of Rs. I don't think that's what Michell had in mind for DBing though. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong?

[Starsky309]

You are not wrong, Owl.

[Oxford1]

Ignore it and even if your wife ends OM1, she will very likely end up with OM2.

I have never seen MWD advise to simply ignore an affair. I believe what she teaches is, you can't spend all your efforts attacking the affair and fail to work on your own issues, or else there will be no "better man" for your wife to come back to, even IF she decides to return to the marriage.

The "Little Bo-Peep" approach doesn't work. Affairs are highly addictive, and I don't know of ANY addictions that just go away on their own. In fact, most escalate.


Starsky

This is what is freaking me out. She claims that for our ten day vacation In December she did not contact the OM, but as soon as she went back to work she had the urge to do so! I tried to not get into lecturing her, but I did ask her if she is able to get her patients to give up their vice in just ten days! Of course she looked at me like I was retarted.

Now that she's planning to go to his country to see if she is ready to end it..BS...I am worried she will get sucked in further!


In NY when you do a collaborative divorce there is a licensed family therapist who acts as a neutral party. One of the main goals is for them to try and prevent the divorce.

You see where I am so stuck is that I will HAVE to sell my house to do a true 180 or Plan B.
How can I avoid all contact with her and not leave the home!
However, I CAN NOT afford to keep our house and rent an apartment.

[MrBond]

"You see where I am so stuck is that I will HAVE to sell my house to do a true 180 or Plan B. "

Look, irregardless of that, your situation is what it is. There are ways that you can work with that. You just have to figure out how. I mean you don't have to keep doing stuff with her.