hi everyone -- it has been a bit of time since I have been here on site -- my family is 8 months into this mess. My wife and I are doing ok, I think, but I was hoping to get some help. I am having a very difficult time watching my wife suffer so badly in one area: the manic 24/7 energy she is experiencing. She just can't seem to settle down at all. I do not critique, and try to make her laugh about it when I can, but I would love to know if there is something I can do to help. She told me yesterday that if she was not always moving that she would worry about going completely crazy...this is the only thing that has scared me so far in this process ... (except loosing my wife, of course)
We really spoke about what is going on with her for the first time yesterday, and I told her again that I would not give up on her, on us, or on our family. I think she finally heard me this time. I also told her that I knew there was an OM (likely EA, but I am not sure). I told her that I did not believe in adultery or divorce, but that I understood and would stand by her. She told me that she thought that was completely unfair to me; I explained that it was not up to her to define what I was willing to sacrifice for our family. Good solid day yesterday, and a good weekend ...
can any of you help me understand this manic energy thing?? it is very, very hard to watch someone you care about go through that ... thanks!
I told her that I did not believe in adultery or divorce, but that I understood and would stand by her. She told me that she thought that was completely unfair to me; I explained that it was not up to her to define what I was willing to sacrifice for our family.
Hi Canyou, I want to make sure I am understanding your post correctly. The way this reads, it kind of sounds as if you are telling her it's okay if she goes on and has the A. Then you refer to this again by saying you are willing to sacrifice for your family. Does that mean you sacrifice by tolerating her A, or what?
What really confuses me is that you didn't ask for support or any questions regarding your W being in an A, but instead are asking help about understanding your W's manic energy.
Is this all related somehow? Your thread is named Men Supporting their MLC Wives, so why do you think your W is in MLC? Does she have a history of depression and manic behavior? How is this connected with her A and what you told her? I'm just trying to figure it all out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We really spoke about what is going on with her for the first time yesterday, and I told her again that I would not give up on her, on us, or on our family. I think she finally heard me this time. I also told her that I knew there was an OM (likely EA, but I am not sure). I told her that I did not believe in adultery or divorce, but that I understood and would stand by her. She told me that she thought that was completely unfair to me; I explained that it was not up to her to define what I was willing to sacrifice for our family. Good solid day yesterday, and a good weekend ...
can any of you help me understand this manic energy thing?? it is very, very hard to watch someone you care about go through that ... thanks!
Supplication does not work, Canyou. Not only is this not a healthy position for YOU to take, but it will also cause your wife to lose respect (and therefore, attraction and ultimately LOVE) for you.
She's probably wondering why you are tolerating her affair, and not fighting harder for her. From your description of the issues, I would say that her "manic energy" is the LEAST of your problems right now!
If you want any respect from her (or any respect for yourself) then you will let her know that she has to cut all ties to the OM immediately and forever. You can't allow yourself to be treated this way. To be kept in a marriage where one person doesn't consider the other as a partner. If she doesn't stop seeing the OM then get the D going.
I don't know your history, but you sound way too nice to her. You need to set some boundaries on what's acceptable and hold her accountable.
In my 10 years or so on this forum (first as Chocolateeyes, then Puppy Dog Tails, and now Starsky) I've seen many, many people -- usually MLC'ers, frankly -- confuse "standing" with "being a doormat."
Standing means to stand for your marriage, WHILE not standing for the adultery and WHILE establishing firm boundaries to protect yourself. Often, it even involves REMOVING yourself from the situation. The stander won't initiate divorce (something I disagree with, but I can respect it) because they are "standing" for their marriage, but they absolutely are NOT communicating to the adulterer "I will be here for you no matter what," and they are NOT saying some of the blccccch I see on here sometimes about "helping them along their journey" and such.
Usually, such behaviors are rooted more in FEAR and CO-DEPENDENCY, all the while being wrapped up in a cloak of courage and "standing for my marriage" and "doing it for the children." I would argue, in fact, that these people are teaching their children exactly the wrong way to deal with emotional abuse.
That may sound harsh, but that's been my observation. The successful MLCers that I have seen learn to stand WHILE establishing (and learning to enforce) strong boundaries.
