It's amazing the similarities of what our W's are searching for.
In the beginning of our M crises, I heard:
I want to be independent and discover who I am. I want to do things for myself. Even if I fall flat on my face, I feel like I have to try.
So, I backed off and gave her space. It hurt me deeply no longer being close to my W, but I knew there was no way I could hold her back. She was going to do what she felt she needed, regardless of what I thought or did.
I also knew letting loose (I never let go, and don't intend to! lol) was the best thing I could do to give our M a chance.
She's still here, and seemingly drawing closer ever so slowly. And your W can too.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Wow, word for word what I heard as well! I think depression has much to do with this. Feeling like they need to overcome their "bad feelings" along with the fact that they are in the middle of a life transition and what was most important in the past, isn't any longer.
Got some news last night that is going to make any chance at saving my marriage a lot harder. My FIL's cancer is back. He had a large portion of his liver removed almost around the same time my W started her MLC (about 3.5 years ago) and has been cancer free since. This hit my W hard as she and he had always had such a bad relationship and she always wanted to have a better one. She got scared and thought she must have one with him now or never.
You all know what he's been up to while here. Now, he will be coming to our state more often for treatment starting next week. My W cried when she told me and actually accepted a hug from me (hugged me back for the first sec. but stopped suddenly). I feel badly for her but have no idea what she wants from me. The fact is thy can't operate again and he will be on chemo but the chances are he won't be getting better. Of course, last time he said the same thing and he has been healthy and in better shape than I'd seen him in years but that isn't likely this time.
This is going to be a very hard time for her. She will be upset about her dad and also will be wanting to move more quickly on our D as this is what HE wants and I'm sure that will come into play. As much as I don't like the man, knowing all the really awful things he's done, he's still her father. Losing a father is VERY hard, especially when you think you may have just started having the relationship you always wanted with him! I will try to be there for my W but at the same time leave her be. Not an easy thing to do and the process will be much harder now.
I've been thinking today about the best way to deal with what is sure to be a very hard sitch. Turns out my FIL has decided to come here and get his treatment. It will mean driving (his wife will be with him now) 3+ hours a day to another city for his chemo and staying in a hotel near where we live. The only reason for him to do this is so my W can be close and since I know his W is in no shape to take care of him alone, he wants my W to help take care of him. Of course my W wants to be there for him but I also suspect one of the big reasons he has been so trying to get her to leave her family for so many years is just this reason. Of course, none of that matters.
I can't control what he or anyone else does or doesn't do. Right now my W has to deal with the ending of her 20 year M, even if by her own choice, isn't easy AND the fact that her father is most likely not going to recover from his cancer. She already is stressed about her work hours, helping her mom deal with her grandmother and our sitch. While I know I can't and shouldn't try to "save" her, I also don't want to make things worse either. I guess the whole "need to let her go and take care of her life on her own terms" thing is really going to be tested and I really need to just stay the heck out of her way.
I'm thinking along the lines of telling her that I understand that she must be upset by all this. That I want her to know that I'm sure she knows how best to handle this but that I am here for her IF there is anything she needs from me. I still care about her and don't want to make things worse or cause her even more stress. That I understand she doesn't want me as a H but I still would like to be her friend especially now when she is dealing with so much all at once.
I know I need to leave her alone and allow her to deal as she feels best. At the same time I know she is afraid I am angry and will take it out on her as this is what "everyone" keeps telling her I will do and she knows I don't like how her father has injected himself into our marriage. Never mind I haven't done anything to make her think this way except not agree to the first custody arrangement she came up with after her visit with the L but I understand she is worried. She went through years of having to deal with her mom saying bad things about her dad (whether justified or not it wasn't right)and I know she's afraid I will do the same even if it isn't something I would ever do, she still is afraid of it happening.
Or should I just say nothing and let my actions speak for themself? I can't imagine how badly she must be hurting right now and while I know I can't make it better, I really don't want to make things worse either.
I vote for the last idea. Sounds like, from what you have described, that she would already know you are there for her at this time. At most I would tell her that and leave it at that. Do you really want to be her friend after she ends your marriage? It doesn't sound like you do in other posts so why tell her that now? Just be "aloof but available" (not sure who said that but I like it). As far as her worrying about you talking bad about her, I think that one just needs to be demonstrated by your actions and don't worry about what she is thinking or not thinking.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
The separation/D and custody process is completly separate from the other stuff going on in your life.
This is exactly what we were talking about earlier in this thread. Your W has no more going on right now that any other person in the world at any given time.
She will either find a way to handle it or she won't. Trying to make it easier for her, even out of the goodness of your heart, is going to make her feel controlled and incapable and child like.
You have two children, take care of them. Take care of yourself. If your W needs something, she knows where you are.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
She will either find a way to handle it or she won't. Trying to make it easier for her, even out of the goodness of your heart, is going to make her feel controlled and incapable and child like.
You have two children, take care of them. Take care of yourself. If your W needs something, she knows where you are.
"Aloof, but Available" ... ReachingHigher coined this I believe. It's been my mantra the last 2 years or so.
It allows you to get your life, and your kids life, done.
Gives W the space and self-directed life she wants to do.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm with you all on this. Went out to dinner with her family last night and W was being very contrary. At one point she left the group at the restaurant (there were 15 of us in the group) and went off to talk to her mother. Both came back in tears and later I found out she had told her mom about her dad's cancer. I just let it be. We had come in separate cars and when we got home she jumped on me about a bill I hadn't yet paid. We had just talked about it the day before and knew I had to wait until yesterday to pay it so the funds would be there (would have been if she hadn't bought $200 worth of beauty products a few days ago!) but she said that never happened, etc. Just a reason to be angry, all it was.
She is very, very upset about her father. I know she had hopes of having a good relationship with him and had found a way to get him to pay attention and be supportive of her (a first since I've known her!)and now thinks time has run out. (I know this because she told me just that) She also knows how I feel about him (and most of her family feels about him as well) and got very angry when, after she said she wanted my D to stay with him all summer, that I didn't like the idea. I got in the way of her fantasy. I expect more of the finding reasons to be angry with me for a long time to come.
Just more proof I just need to stay out of her way. I had to take my D to a friends on my way to work this morning as, once again, my W was too busy with work and passed it to me to take her and expects me to pick her up as well. Once again, her stuff is more important than my stuff and leaves it to me. Of course, as my D really needs to get out and spend time with her friends I'm going to do it. I just need to realize that this will never change, not expect anything different from my W and I must be getting there as it didn't phase me at all when it came up. I totally expected when my D asked both of us that my W would look at me and say she can't do it and would I do it. Progress for sure. No anger, no frustration. Not doing it for my W, I'm doing it for my D.
Need to get out this weekend. I have a little money at least so I can get out and do some GAL activities. My oldest left for the next couple weeks to do some work out of town and I think that's good but I'll miss her. Maybe I can see if my 14 year old wants to do something and give the W all the alone time she wants. I just really need to get out and spend some time away from all the drama!
T2, I really like that "Aloof, but available", makes sense!
Just more proof I just need to stay out of her way. I had to take my D to a friends on my way to work this morning as, once again, my W was too busy with work and passed it to me to take her and expects me to pick her up as well. Once again, her stuff is more important than my stuff and leaves it to me. Of course, as my D really needs to get out and spend time with her friends I'm going to do it. I just need to realize that this will never change, not expect anything different from my W for now and I must be getting there as it didn't phase me at all when it came up. I totally expected nothing.when my D asked both of us that my W would look at me and say she can't do it and would I do it. Progress for sure. No anger, no frustration. Not doing it for my W, I'm doing it for my D.
Matt, one of THE most helpful things I have gotten on this journey is learning the importance of what you think and say in your mind, as well as verbally. What is in your mind controls your emotions and how you interpret events.
Everything is neutral as far as the universe is concerned, it is how we interpret events that decides whether they are negative or positive or neutral. YOU have the power to decide how you are going to see things, only you.
I edited out some of the destructive (to you, your kids, and your W) language/thoughts from one of your paragraphs up there. Seriously, once I fixed that in my head, everything was soooooo much better. Please compare to your original post.
Your mind is the theater and you are the director.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I like your post and thought that it was an honest and necessary reflection of where you are today. For me some of the thoughts Tsquared crossed out were important for me as reader in telling me part of the story.
I also (and maybe this is not the case) heard you realizing that this is not your fault.
I think some of us blame our selves so deeply that actually seeing the WAS is to blame for their bad actions is part of our healing.
You are doing great
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks T2 and Bklyn, Just had to deal with my W pushing me to move faster on separating me and kids from cell service. She told me that it was to "save money" and when I looked into it, it will be double the cost. So, I text her back that if she wants to separate us that it will cost double. Not that I didn't want to do it, just that it will double the cost when money is tight. I get back "Cost doesn't matter. It just HAS to be that way". This is fine with me, she was the one who said it was because of cost. Not once did I say anything about wanting to keep us together just responding to what she said was the reason. Oh, well. Now, I have to find time to do this AND with our daughter away for 2 weeks not sure how I'm supposed to move as fast as she wants since once she is off the plan (she needs new phone)her old phone won't work. Not only that once I end the plan it will effect all the phones on the plan, meaning if I go and do it on my own, she will lose her service until she re-ups and if she does it on her own, I will lose my service. Of course explaining this to her will be fun as she never believes anything I say if it at all isn't what she wants to hear. So much fun in my world!
