Confused and mixed signals

[Troyron]

Hi,

first of all I want to thank everyone in here that are posting, its been a great help. I have been reading up on so many topics here, but feel Im in a different situasion and could sure use some help from you guys. I know going through a divorce is a common thing, but even so, its impossible to be prepared for it.

Its now 12 days since my wife brought up the subject divorce. It came completely out of the blue, as we live a happy life together. She even says she is happy living with me, and have a happy life. But its not enough. First some info about us.

* She is 32, im 38.
* Been together for 6 years, married for 4.
* No kids, as she just dont want kids and Im not to keen either.
* She is a buddhist, im christian. We never have any religion issues.
* We spend plenty of quality time together.
* 3 years back, she got raped, and after that our sex life have dropped significantly. She also developed panic attacks. Had treatment for it, and coping well. We also talked allot about it, and it feels like she is not struggling with it anymore.
* Both have similar income and are in a good financial situation.
* After bringing it up, lots of emotions and crying. We decided that we would not give up and try to work on it.
* We then spent 10 great days together, but she felt it was not right and brought it up again. Now seem to be determined to separate.
* We live together and dont argue at all.


HER FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR:
* She says she still love me just as much as before. The problem is that she says she does not love like a spouse should do. And also says, its always been like that. She just did not realise it before, but lots of meditation and looking inside herself, made her realise this. Says she will never be true to herself, is she keeps being my spouse.
* She says there is no rush for me to move out, or her to move out. Just let this sink in and live our lives as before.
* We still share the bed together, we still hug and kiss. Sex is of the table.
* She always come and hug me and come close to me when we go to bed.
* She has not meet anyone else, and says we dont have to get a divorce just separate. She says she will not get married again, so no need for a divorce.
* She is crying over this issue all the time, and seems to have a hard time.
* Im her best friend and she is afraid of losing me.


MY FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR:
* I love this woman of all my hearth, she is my only true friend in life.
* Im still in shock over the whole thing. Cant understand why she would risk the happy life we have together, for something unknown. And mostly cant understand that she does not want to take some time on the issue.
* Thinking of doing a 180. But worried it will push her further away from me.
* Open for a separation, but will work on getting her back into my life.
* The last few days, I have come to term with separating. If this is what she wants, Ill give her that.


So first of all, a few questions I was hoping some of you could help me out with.

1) If I do a 180, how do I deal with the affections we give eachother on a daily basis? All the hugging, cosing and small kisses. She is giving most of it. Im trying to remain calm and not show to much affections. If I hold back and dont allow it, will it not just drive her further away from me?
2) What about dining together, now we always eat together. Go out to a restaurant for dinner almost every day. Live in a cheap country, and not anything fancy. Should I stop this too? 3) Should I basically just forget that we live together and that she does not want to move just yet, and threat her as a roommate?
4) Should I move out, just to let her see how it will be without me? I think she would take this very hard.

Anyone have any good advice to a hearth broken man, but a man ready to do what it takes to keep his soul mate in his life.
Thank you for listening and for all your help.

Best regards
Troy

[sbrass]

Wow! I feel for you Troy. But it seems to me that there are several pieces of the puzzle that are missing here. Why does she want to break up what she herself says is a good relationship? I'd say that you need to help of a good therapist, not necessarily to stay together, but first of all just to understand what's going on. What is she really feeling, and why?

[sandi2]

It sounds as if she wants to keep you around as her best friend, only. The fact she doesn't want to have sex tells me she doesn't feel that attraction a W should have toward her H. I think that is what she was trying to say when she said she didn't love you the way a W should love her H.

She may need further therapy for any sex issues she has as a result of the rape. But other than the rape, I see nothing that is different in your stitch from most every LBH who comes here. I don't mean for that to sound insensitive, b/c everyone feels their stitch is different. Except for a few details, they all begin to sound alike after reading several threads.

Whenever the H can't see any obvious change, and the W is being very sweet, nice, affectionate, etc., it is hard for him to show tough love. However, this stitch could continue indefinitely....if you comply with what she suggests. Is that really what you want?

Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? If not, please do ASAP. In the meantime, there is a list of tips at the top of Newcomers to get you started.

Talking doesn't fix or change these M problems. However, at some point, I think you should tell your W that you are not ready to "settle" for a sexless MR for the rest of your life. It is not fair to you and very selfish of her to announce her intentions and expect you to be willing to accept those terms. Both of you are too young to even consider having a M under those conditions.

It is not natural for a woman not to desire a connection and to want physical affection from the man she loves. So, I suspect there is a lot more than she is revealing to you. And, if you had a decent sex life until now, and she suddenly wants to call a halt....there is a very good reason why.

Usually, the W has another person in their head, and it takes the attraction away from the H. I said "usually" b/c there are exceptions. Sometimes it is something physical or mentally....or emotionally messing with her. However, most women don't take kindly to the H telling them to get checked out to see why they don't want to have sex. Know what I mean?

I suggest you learn about detaching and step back from her. Detaching is not acting angry or cold. You can read up on it.

This is your life, too. You have a right to call some shots.

[Troyron]

Thanks for replying. I thought about reading that book, however getting it sent across the world will take up to a month. And cant seem to find a way to download it either.

She says she wants to be true to herself, and that is not something she can be with me. As she feels she does not love me as a W should love a H. That is something she came to after several rounds of meditation and looking deep inside herself, as she says. She says there is a guy she wants to meet in the future, a long time friend from childhood who lives in another country. At the same time, she also says its not sure they will get together, but she wants to see where it goes. They have been friends for 10 years, but only meet once a year for dinner. And then its together with their parents. For me this seems to be the driving force, but not according to her.

We have had a great life together and I find it hard to let it come to an end. But I have also come to terms that we will get separated, so I guess Its time for me to start doing the 180 turn. Ill come out stronger at the end, and if we get back together thats great. If not, life goes on I guess...What do you think about the questions I asked? Any input on them?

[sandi2]

She says there is a guy she wants to meet in the future, a long time friend from childhood who lives in another country

I guarantee this is root to her new found need in "being true to herself and she can't do while with you". That is a lot BS talk to cover up her real purpose.

1) If I do a 180, how do I deal with the affections we give eachother on a daily basis? All the hugging, cosing and small kisses. She is giving most of it. Im trying to remain calm and not show to much affections. If I hold back and dont allow it, will it not just drive her further away from me?
2) What about dining together, now we always eat together. Go out to a restaurant for dinner almost every day. Live in a cheap country, and not anything fancy. Should I stop this too? 3) Should I basically just forget that we live together and that she does not want to move just yet, and threat her as a roommate?
4) Should I move out, just to let her see how it will be without me? I think she would take this very hard.

Doing a 180 is taking the opposite of what you normally do. So that should answer questions 1-3. Plus, take into consideration she is apparently in an EA (which I'm gathering you didn't know at the time of your first post) and you should not continue with the actions of a loving & adoring H.

Number 4 is really up to you, but frankly, I think it's the best option at this time. Othefwise. I thinks she will cake eat and things will would continue till she gets ready to meet up with OM. If she just wants a friend and room mate, let her look elsewhere. Life is too short. But that's my opinion.