My husband and I have been married for three and a half years, separated 6 months. Together 9 years total. Early 30s, no children. We drifted apart because we both worked too much, didn't learn communication skills, were conflict avoidant. I began an emotional affair last spring and he found out a few months later. He was incredibly angry and sad, but said he wanted to stay married. I said that I did too, but I was so much "in the fog" - I didn't do or say much encouraging. I did go to therapy to figure out the root of this, work on myself, and open up to his love.
He left our house 6 months ago, but I didn't chase him. Since then we've both been unhappy but didn't think we really wanted to divorce. We even went through a period of time this winter/spring when we were dating. I saw a very happy future (similar goals, still a lot of love and attraction), but he said about three weeks ago that he could not. He is still angry about my emotional affair and the fact that I didn't try very hard on our marriage last summer when he wanted to. This is a shock since I did everything he asked and we both wanted to work it out since December. We've had a healthy sex life and talked every day (OK, mostly argued) since we've been separated. As of a couple weeks ago, he wants to separate legally and get started on the divorce. I was devastated and did everything wrong (cried, moped, begged for more time, made gestures, tried to convince him we could still be happy). Found and read the DB book this weekend and now I'm horrified that it really is too late. I haven't had any contact with him for a few days, but his mother says it sounds like his mind is made up and he is going to get an apartment (he has been living with a friend for these 6 months). He thinks the fact that we've been so unhappy the past 8-9 months (forget about the eight happy years before that) means we can't work, and we will both be happier starting over. I plan to keep up the no contact, but I am scared to death that he will get that apartment this week and start drawing up the legal stuff. I know I can't ask him about how he is feeling, though. This is tough since I am used to talking to him about anything and everything, all day and every day, for 9 years. He took a trip the other week and we had no contact then- he seems relieved to have a break from me, he thinks the fact that he feels relieved when not talking to me means he'll be happier alone. So I am skeptical that the 180 will work for me. How bad does my case sound? Does anyone have any advice for me?
I dont think it's too late. Hopefully your H just needs time and space alone to determine what he really wants. You take the time and decide what you really want.
I will tell you this will be hard and come with alot of pain and confusion. Probably did not happen over night, so will not be resolved for you overnight.
Work on yourself, so either way you will be a better person.
Read the boards, stay busy, be as happy as possible.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Jacqui if you read about other sitch's you will find stories of couples in sitch's much more complex than yours that had a happy ending.
I recommend reading the success stories. NOTHING is impossible.
Educate yourself as best you can on DB so you can gain some clarity. That will help calm you down.
I certainly understand the panic you are feeling, I'm going through it myself. You also need to try to focus on yourself. This one is sooooo hard for me but it's something I've heard can work wonders for the LBS and in some cases make the walk away spouse think.
I don't know, guys... I have been reading a lot and I see many more divorces than success stories. Still, I have to move forward either way, so if no contact could help him refocus and understand what he is missing, why not try? I guess I just don't see how effective it could be for people who have already been physically separated for a long time. He's had plenty of time to see how life without me is, and he said he likes it. I'm also worried that my crying/pleading really pushed him away, but there's nothing I can do about it now. Would it be better if I changed my tune about the divorce process? Last week I said I did not want a divorce, so if he does, he has to do all the work of drawing up the papers (we're both lawyers so we were going to do it without outside help). Should I offer to do some research and paperwork if he does contact me about it? I really don't want to move that process along, though, it would be a good way for me to show I am accepting and giving him what he wants.
