As a short re-cap... Been seeing lots of what seems like positive movement on W's part, at least as far as her starting to own some of her role in our sitch (acknowledges her codependency and how it effects her relationships).
Have also been having some really good "dates" with W (have gone out the past couple of Wednesdays and at the end of our last night out she was already lining up a night out for next week). Have been having some really good times hanging out at home together too. In between I've been keeping up the 180s and GAL.
However... as far as I know W is still planning on moving in with her parents (FIL has mentioned W has been "bargaining" with him over his house rules which are apparently more restrictive than mine). Also have noticed W is inconsistently wearing her wedding ring. Not sure if there's something to that or not.
Overall though, we are communicating much more effectively than in recent times. That's a positive no matter what. Been trying to decide if I should tell W I'm going to check out apartments in a town a couple of hours away. She doesn't seem to like the idea of me moving so far away post-separation.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
"house rules" is my FIL's term, not mine. Although she's reigned things in quite a bit after dropping the bomb, the past few months my W had been going out a lot (3-4 nights a week) and staying out pretty late (usually getting home around the time the bars close). I've never tried to control my W or where she goes/what she does...never had any cause for concern regarding what she was up to other than having a good time with her friends. Never any trust issues. However, FIL has mentioned that if W moves into his house she needs to expect that her life is going to be "work, home, kids" for the most part because he and MIL don't plan on being her live-in babysitters (which is sort of how she had been treating me, although again this has recently changed for the better as I've been employing 180s/GAL) while she goes out after work every night. W apparently has a problem with this and has been trying to negotiate with her dad the terms of her living there (she has a friend who just divorced her husband and then moved into her mom's house, and now goes out and parties several times a week while her mom watches her daughter. I think that's how W envisioned things going for her as well).
As far as moving so far away, it's the last thing I want to do, but we live in an extremely high-cost-of-living area (think along the terms of Manhattan NY as far as cost) and I just can't afford to stay close by. I had to start looking about 75miles out before I could find rentals I could afford by myself that weren't in really bad neighborhoods.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Hey Stumps - has she continued to talk about D or move forward with filing or anything? I am not expert - but it would appear that she is at least partially confused - I am sure you have heard this before. The fact that you two have been able to communicate better and have had a few "dates" isn't all bad. Stay consistent, man...seems like you're doing ok.
Hey Stumps - has she continued to talk about D or move forward with filing or anything?
No, she's made almost no mention of anything in that regard... In fact the only mention of our sitch at all that she's made, that I can think of off the top of my head, was her saying that some of her friend's think it's weird that she and I are going out together and hanging out so much and enjoying each other's company even though we're splitting up. She said that about a week or two ago. Prior to that, she had checked in a couple of times to see if I thought that she had changed her mind because we were getting along so well (I told her no, I didn't think that she had changed her mind), but it's been a few weeks since she's done even that.
She hasn't talked about filing, or when she's going to move out, or any of the other logistics/nuts and bolts of separating/divorcing at all really... That's why I was a little caught off guard when my FIL said she had been down there talking to him about his "house rules". I took it as a wake up call that no matter how well things seemed to be going between us, I need to assume that until she explicitly states otherwise, her mind is still made up.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I am heartened to hear that your F-I-L is setting up the rules of the house. Too freaking bad if she doesn't like it. Boo hoo. I hope he is steadfast in this. Not mind reading but I think that has to be a some sort of reality check for her. I can't help but wonder if she thought that her parents were just going to do wheat her GF's mom did. Heck, they have their own life, too.
Good job on not assuming anything on her end. Until the words come out off her mouth and the actions dictate otherwise, you should just consider the situation unchanged.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
The consequences will be the consequences in her father's house. If I were you I'd stay out of that whole discussion and ask your FIL not to share any of it with you.
You wrote 'his house rules are different from my house rules', or something similar, that's why I was curious. It seemed odd for one partner to have "rules" for the other partner.
If you feel taken advantage of in your home, what are you doing to change that dynamic for you? DBing doesn't mean you haven no boundaries.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The consequences will be the consequences in her father's house. If I were you I'd stay out of that whole discussion and ask your FIL not to share any of it with you.
You wrote 'his house rules are different from my house rules', or something similar, that's why I was curious. It seemed odd for one partner to have "rules" for the other partner.
I guess that wasn't the best phrasing on my part. There weren't any "rules" for either my W or me, other than mutual respect and keeping each other apprised of where we were and what we were doing. As I mentioned though, in the months leading up to the bomb drop my W had kind of slipped regarding the mutual respect thing... Going out more and more often, coming home later and later, leaving the bulk of the housework and childcare to me instead of the usual 50/50 split we had. Basically partying a lot and leaving me to pick up the slack.
Originally Posted By: labug
If you feel taken advantage of in your home, what are you doing to change that dynamic for you? DBing doesn't mean you haven no boundaries.
That's something we actually discussed last night, and in such a constructive manner that afterward W said she was proud of us for how will we communicated with each other and then gave me big hug and a kiss. She then reiterated how happy she was to see the changes I've been making and her belief that they're not just for show and are permanent (she actually said that). This morning she said that she wanted to make sure I knew that she intends to be more considerate of my feelings, and later today she thanked me for the "perfect Mother's Day" and said that I have been acting toward her in such a way and treating her so "flawlessly" that it makes her in turn want to make me happy.
All good stuff, still proceeding with caution...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
You said you talked in a constructive manner, what happened? What did you solve? What was put in place?
About the rules, it's not that I don't think there should be mutually agreed upon standards and boundaries. House rules just sounded very one-sided and parental. I needed more information.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
