I have gotten a lawyer and talked to several through this whole process. The problem is that there is no legal seperation and divorce is easy here. Basically I have been told, when you are ready for divorce come back. I did not know I lived in an area where to get married is harder than a divorce. The lawyer said keep track of what H spends and if we get divorced it will hurt him in the long run. It is easy to keep track bc it is all on credit cards. I have another appointment with a lawyer and am going to take help with me, as I have been quite sick with all this and think I need the extra brain power.
As far as moving money. I have done some to a safe account that he cannot touch. This is a community property state, so there is not much that I can do. I am wondering if you can call credit card companies and have your name removed from the card but keep your H on the same card?
What is a temporary order of support? H and I are still in the house. So if I do not want to file am I limited to what I can do? H will not move from home "I know my rights you cannot kick me out." I would rather he leave than I bc I want the kids. I also am an overprotective mom and kids have no idea dad wants to divorce mom. I want to protect the kids as long as I can. I feel like I am at a stand still. I don't want to file. For now, if we divorce it is his idea - that is not to say I won't change me mind and file. I almost feel like he is forcing me to file. I will see monster more if I file before he does.
I will have some help as far as another place to go soon. I would prefer to keep me and kids in our home, but not have him remove finances. I think H intends on filing and staying in home until everything is final.
So peeps. I still want to try to work things out with H. I am not 100% convinced that it is MLC. H seems to follow script, except if I watch what I say - I see no monster, also he is very attached to kids. We are dealing with undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar too. If H feels that I abandoned him, going dark/dim I think would be wrong. I have been trying to be nice. But H will not come near me. It seems as if he is 100% detached from me. The only thing we do is family things now - bc it is very important that our kids remain happy. H is VERY into OW, and she is pretty much a bottom feeder. So what should I do? H wants nothing to do with me, no affection, no touching, no holding hands. If he gets upset I see monster - I probed too much this morning and he monstered. I have set a few boundaries, and have got him not to break 2 of them - big for me as I don't have strong personality. I have been throwing more truth darts. I have read the posts recommended on those that have been through similar scripts. I truly think if I did not have the kids, I would have gave up on this nonsense.
I wish I could afford DB coaching. My first goal is to hold his hand - I have gotten zero on that and it has been over 2 weeks. h is probably too detached for me to get this. We can stay in the same room and talk small talk - so I am not sure what to do for next goal as holding hands seems unachievable for now. UGH. I need help. Suggestions/comments/ideas?
If any of you belong to heros spouse pm me and I will give you more details of what is going on - it is interesting stuff and I need advice. Too dangerous for me to post in forum as it would give me away.
Scooby, We can't do the pm on this forum. I am very familiar with the forum you posted the name of and will have to check your postings out over there.
Now about the credit cards. When I was going through this mess, I was informed by the credit card companies that as long as you had a balance names couldn't be removed from the accounts. For my situation, I advised the companies that I misplaced my cards and requested that the balances be transferred to a new account, therefore the old accounts were null and void. When the new cards came, I kept them since my nutty buddy was not living here. Had I not done that, I would have been in debt for thousands of dollars because he was on a spending spree after he left.
Unfortunately, your h is still around and acts like a monster, so I suggest you contact the companies and request that your account authorization be reduced by whatever and that will keep the spending to that new reduced number.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Scooby, I did go over to the other forum and read your entire postings. They are pretty much the same as what you posted here except for the one issue that is going on right now. The advice that you are receiving there is pretty much the same as what we have been providing to you as well.
I'm very sorry that another situation has been thrown into the mix of what you are dealing w/right now.
Breathe! Stay calm and if you aren't sure what to do, then do nothing for now. Sit quietly and the answers will come. You can't make rational/logical decisions when you are emotionally charged. You have to find a way to look at your situation in a calm manner in order to find the right solution for you.
BTW, there are no set "scripts" for the mlcer. Scripts are just as unique as the mlcer is. Many of them say and do similar things, but it's the personalities and childhood issues that determine how the mlcer will write his/her scripts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the information on credit cards. I think I will try to lower limit right away. Most of the time I don't know what the heck to do. Is your user name same on other side? There is some crazy s**t going on that if I put it in open forum I will be identifiable.
No, my user name is different for each of the forums that I am a member of. Be careful in what you share w/others in cyber space.
Are you in a support group in your area of the country? If not, I would suggest that you look around and see if there is something available because I do think you need support in the real world. Cyber space is fine, but there comes a time when you need actual human support as well, i.e., someone you can have a cup of coffee with or meet up for a chat, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We are dealing with undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar too.
Scooby,
You need to leave this alone. You are not a psychiatrist, as far as I know, and this is simply hearsay.
Your H may or may not be bipolar. He may or may not be seeing purple unicorns and believing he is able to fly to the moon.
Until he decides to do something about it, there is nothing you can do about it.
Originally Posted By: Scooby
My first goal is to hold his hand - I have gotten zero on that and it has been over 2 weeks. h is probably too detached for me to get this.
There are things we all do when we first read DB. One of those things is goal setting.
Where we make our mistake is we set goals for the relationship. Goals for how our S should behave.
Things like "he will kiss me goodnight." "we will hold hands." "he will say I love you"....
Guess what...those goals are unattainable.
Why?
Because they are not goals for US. They are not something we can achieve. They are behaviors of another person.
Would we like for those things to happen? Sure.
Nothing we do is going to make them happen or not happen.
Even in a happy relationship, like the one I am in now, if I want my BF to kiss me, I can't have the goal that he will kiss me and just wait for it to happen. It may or it may not depending on how he feels that moment.
I can do things that MIGHT make him want to, like not being a total brat or not smelling like horse poop, but beyond that, it's up to him.
If I want him to kiss me, I have to have a goal for myself that says "I want to go home and kiss BF." Period. Action, not inaction.
However, when we come to DB, we are most often not in the position to take action towards those sorts of goals.
Goal setting really needs to be about us. Things that we can do to make ourselves healthier and happier, regardless of what our S is doing.
So a proper goal for you at this point is something like "stop focusing on EA/PA."
What would that look like?
In your case, stop checking cell phone records. Stop looking at public records. Stop plotting revenge.
Eventually, it won't be so at the forefront of your thoughts and then you can start to decide what is a better way to spend all of the time that you have wasted on that particular activity.
Something that will make you happy. Gardening, cooking, riding a bike, learning how to skydive, IDK.
That is goal setting.
You also need to decide if you can forgive him for his A as well as other behaviors. If you can't do that then you are simply prolonging the inevitable.
If you decide that you CAN forgive him, or at least that you want to actually TRY to forgive him, then that is a good place to start.
Learn about forgivness and what it means to you, what it looks like to you, and work towards finding that forgivness.
It will make you happier within yourself because you aren't carrying around all that frustration and anger. Which in turn, will make you a more pleasant and happier person to be around.
It is ultra important that you stop worrying about him and start working on yourself.
THAT is the only way that you will have any sort of shot of reconciling this relationship.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I have been in IC from the start as I did not want to burden family/friends. Those close to me, I have told, and they don't understand the standing. They are behind whatever I want to do, but sometimes have a hard time because they are concerned.
It is funny that you bring up the support group BC I was going to ask my IC next time. I live in a large enough area that there should be something.
Most of my gal is with kids. Soon I will have more opportunity to do stuff on my own. To tell you the truth I am not looking forward to it. My kids are my life.
As always thank you for the advice and concern. Keep our family in your prayers.
Thanks for the reply. I am trying to deal with the psych issues. Right now alll I can do is stand back as there is no realization of issues. Unfortunately IC was quit before he could be helped.
Thanks for the clarification on goal setting based on db. It is pretty hard to do when things are crumbling. I never thought of it as working on myself first, even though everyone has been saying gal. It is very hard to get past ea and pa. H does not admit it is happening. Is it possible to forgive it if it still is happening and there is no admitting from h it is happening?
I had stopped checking cell phone records, but started checking again but it has been mine that I have been checking. I had to reload address book. The public records was done by friend on her own who let me know
The lawyer said keep track of what H spends and if we get divorced it will hurt him in the long run. It is easy to keep track bc it is all on credit cards. I have another appointment with a lawyer and am going to take help with me, as I have been quite sick with all this and think I need the extra brain power.