I'm so shocked and heartbroken , this can't be rea

[ericmsant2]

Rsl

Sorry you find yourself here...

So now you know she is cheating... As Mach mentioned, stop snooping. You really are only going to hurt yourself. How? If you continue to snoop...you will end up spending hours of time thinking why did she speak to him for 339 mins...why did she text him 5,000 times. It really does not matter at least not now.

You have already confronted her.

What exactly did she say?

Now that the cat is out of the bag, IMO, you are going to be on the fast track of learning...

In terms of the 90K that was moved to a separate bank account. Was that your money or hers? Watch the finances...

Protect yourself and the kids at all cost. WAS have a tendency to be self absorbed and only consider what THEY want.

You may be feeling like it is over...It ain't! You say when this ends - not her!

For now, learn to STFU (shut the f*ck up) and not respond to her. Learn the 48 hours rule...if she asks a question or emails you...do not always respond. You are emotional right now so in the state chance are you will say and do things that you may regret later.

Keep posting.

Peace,
Eric

[JFun51]

Golden, golden, golden.

One thing to add, if I may.

Your marriage as you know it is OVER. Forget it. You will never have the same relationship with your W. The only relationship you will have with your W from this point forward is a new one.

[rsl1034]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice, alas some of it comes too late (the story of my life)
The "Im filing for divorce" bomb came this morning, I'm dealing with it. Time to start looking out for me, I'll ask her to leave, her decision and see how it goes from there.
I'll post more later, have to take my mom to the DMV.

[Cadet]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice, alas some of it comes too late (the story of my life)
The "Im filing for divorce" bomb came this morning, I'm dealing with it. Time to start looking out for me, I'll ask her to leave, her decision and see how it goes from there.
I'll post more later, have to take my mom to the DMV.

Its never too late until they put you in a box in the ground.

Yes I agree with Mach above when he said to read on the MLC forum.

I have a homework post over there that you can read.

Try clicking on my name and show posts and I just put two of them up this morning.

I would not move out of the MBR or your house.
But maybe time to go the Last Resort Technique.

Yes keep posting

[rsl1034]

In answer to some of the above questions;
The bank account came mostly from her pay,my checks went into a joint account where the bills were paid from , I almost had ins deducted from mine. For 10 yes she had her checks deposited to this other acct and would transfer as needed. I let her handle the bills as that is her strong suit. I wish I would have looked sooner , just 2 months ago I believed we were so bad off that we needed to choose between cell phones and satellite tv. She makes about 1.5 times what I do.
I quit snooping 3 weeks ago I have the proof and admission that I thought would be enough.
As far as STFU that's a hard one for now we still share a bed. She made the offer to go to her sister's house and I'm inclined to let her.
Cadet I've spent the last several hours reading those posts ,thanks looks like I'm at LRT now.
How exactly do I do that?

[rsl1034]

Sorry above post should say also had insurance deducted from my pay.
Re:earlier posts . I wish our marriage could go back to the "good old days" but I know that isn't possible. What I want and think that I can reasonably expect is a new foundation for our marriage ,stripped of lies and deceit. Built on a new foundation.
This is something I can commit to but it isn't anything I can do without W's cooperation.
I have never been so powerless about anything that mattered so much in my life.

[rsl1034]

Update even though the whole sitch is yet to be pieced together.
Last post I said I would ask her to leave the house since she had offered... well I kinda did the opposite. That night I took a walk after making the family dinner and doing the clean up as I usually do on my days off , I walked and I cried and mourned and felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for us; me ,her , our son and our life together that was suddenly in critical condition.
I hadn't and still haven't gotten through DR or DB , so being a "fixer" I took it in my mind to try one last appeal with logic and a smattering of emotional appeal. I asked that she come and discuss the whole situation, calm sober and respectful. Problem is I did most of the talking and got little in the way of answers. As you could have told me I got nothing back, not even acknowledgment that anything I said, she even heard. Typically she ended it by running away back to work.
God , she can withdraw ,she holds EVERYTHING so deep inside. She has all of the tendencies of the typical WAW. She is the only thing that matters to her at this point, she is willing to bail on the M, her son and she stands to end up on the short end of the financial stick as well.
I can't believe that she can just turn it off and project it on me the way she does.
I don't even recognize her at this point.
But here's the thing; talk was Friday ,that night she plays nice, in that we talk an gs interact. The next day is even more friendly, she asks me to do the calipers to measure body fat ,and wants advice on workouts and diet. WTF ?
Today uncomfortable glances and fake family togetherness. She is eating cake all over at the same time. My thinking is that I give her the option that she proposed with my conditions. Right now it's too easy for her.
I came to acceptance on my walk that she has issues that I can't help her with. No badly how much I want to. She is so deep in denial ,and is projecting everything on me that I won't take it. Right up until the moment I said is there anything you want to tell me about ...? We were best friends and lovey dove ,up until that minute! Now it's like I'm the freaking Antichrist.
So my offer would take the high ground, and naturally I would listen to a counter offer.
So anyone with a 24th that wants to give their 2 cents worth let me have it in the next 12 hours.

[rsl1034]

Mach1,Cadet! Sandi? Am I about to do something I can't undo? I know it's in the rules, but I didn't do anything to deserve this.

[Mach1]

rs...

For now...just calm down and relax...

YOU do NOT need to move out of the house. You need to stand strong and not let HER decision disrupt your life....

DO NOT respond to every whim that she has, and please remember this...

You are not gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into

The rules that are posted are more for you than they are for the relationship right now...

Keep in mind, that this Woman is already emotionally detached from you at this point...

And the more that you react emotionally, the more that she is holding the puppet strings on you.

You need to work through these emotions when you aren't around her, like you did taking the walk. Just don't carry that home with you, and expect her to react from her emotions with you...

The reaction that you got from her, was more than likely guilt for what she is doing, not because she wants to change things. And the going back to detachment, means that she felt that you were back to being stronger (and not on that emotional ledge), so she is detaching herself once again.

You really need to back away, and realize that the Marriage that you once had, is dead and gone. Anything that could (and can) happen down the road, will be a NEW relationship, that only slightly resembles the old one.

Like I said earlier...don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung...

Don't ask for things that you really do not want...

And don't ask any questions that you do not want the answers to....

Nothing changed overnight with this, and nothing will resolve overnight....

Step back, deep breaths, and focus on something for you today....

I will be back later....

Also, you need to read DB and DR, and you can also read other threads, and the archives. There is a TON of information in there....

Knowledge is power...

Understand the road that you are facing.....

[soldier]

Hello rsl1034. I can see that you are very disturbed and frustrated right now. The truth is that both you and your W are dealing with big stuff right now. She may show you a cold and calculated posture to your face but make no mistake no one goes through these types of things without feeling it deep inside. What you don’t know and what you cannot no or control is exactly how this is effecting her. This is why it is said to not believe any of what a WAS say’s and less than 50 percent of what they do. I know this is hard but mind reading is going to kill you slowly and in the process kill your chance at a positive outcome with this. Unfortunately, at the point in which we find ourselves here, none of us have sure bets but we are trying to raise our probability as high as possible and mitigate risk in the process.

I am not a Vet on these forums but I am not sure that asking your W to leave is the best approach. My thought is that if she is willing to stay then this gives you more contact to show her your actions. Now you need to understand that this does not mean to rub your change in her face but I am simply saying that she will not notice as much if she cuts her exposure to you drastically. Here is the tough part. You still need to give her all of the space that she needs and while she stays in the same house this is much trickier. Your total focus right now IMO should be all about you and getting yourself right. Do this all in secret. These changes need to be for you and you alone. If you read a self-help book then don’t let her see the book directly but instead let her notice the actual changes in you. These changes are actions and they will speak more profoundly then anything you could possible say to your W right now.

On the subject of talk, I know everything in your being is telling you to speak out from your heart to your W. Know and understand that right now everything you tell her from your heart is driving another nail into the coffin of your M. Every time you go to say something to your W from your heart you should stop and say to yourself “this isn't going to work right now but there may be time for this later”. When you have something that you need to say and you can’t hold it back then you come here and say it or you type it in a word document. I fit is here then feel free to submit it as it is therapeutically to know that you told someone. If it is in the word document then re-read it until you can get over it and delete the file. Some print these letters before deleting so as to burn them again for therapy.

Well it isn't much but it was my two cents and I hope something in this is helpful. Keep up the good fight and don’t give up. It is far from over my friend.