Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Hi Bug -- I haven't been back to IC since OM bomb was dropped there. I know I need to go back. I just need to do some solo work first I think to get the most out of it. My C can only do so much.
What scares me about moving forward and letting go? Good question.
I am afraid of missing out on chunks of my son's life. Chunks that can't be filled with pictures, or videos or Skype chats. I miss my boy, Bug. Desperately. And as much as people say "make the most out of the time you have with him" it doesn't take away the pain of him being gone. And this is the way it will be for his entire childhood.
There is so much more I could say I am afraid of, but it is terribly embarrassing and plays into my insecurities.
Hi Bug -- I haven't been back to IC since OM bomb was dropped there. I know I need to go back. I just need to do some solo work first I think to get the most out of it. My C can only do so much. If you can figure out what you real goal is, the solo work gets a lot easier to measure progress with...
What scares me about moving forward and letting go? Good question.
I am afraid of missing out on chunks of my son's life. Chunks that can't be filled with pictures, or videos or Skype chats. Crimson, like the many parents who serve our nation in dangerous places abroad, you can miss parts of your son's life - and still BE a huge part of it. MANY dads (and increasingly some moms) manage to stay close to their children while not being physically present 24/7. In reality, very few of us can be with our children all the time. IF we could we probably would not choose that, b/c we know our job is to aim them well, and then to launch the arrow from the bow at some point.
We "practice" the launches by leaving them alone for times, at places like school or the kids place at church. They learn that they can stand on their own feet, you will return as you always do, meanwhile they can make friends of their own, play alone, happily, at times...and they only learn that from you not being in their face 24/7. (I saw a children's book in those days that brought tears to my eyes. The title was "Mommy Always Comes Back"...and dang if I didn't buy it and read it to our son when he was 3...)
I KNOW you mean you miss him the "other" times...the times you would have been with him, but for the divorce. I get that. But don't keep focussed only on what you MISS and overlook what you HAVE. The amount of time you spend with your son, feeling lousy about leaving him oh so soon enough, almost sounds as if it's tainting your time with him. Is it?
I vividly & painfully recall leaving the first 2 children with a sitter when I worked full time... the peeling of a WAILING child off of me, and what a terrible way to begin each weekday that was! But they survived. More than once, the sitter called me to say that "two minutes after you left, son was laughing with playmate"... We do what we have to do as non miserably as possible, and we stop staring at our loss, b/c we know our focus affects our perspective and our behavior and that affects our child.
Turning from your son when he begs to see you again "soon" or 'now" or "tonight", might not be such a great way to do this. Ask the child psych. (Only ask when you go with your w, IF you have to. I think her hearing you ask how to make it easier on SON, is something even she cannot quibble with).
I miss my boy, Bug. Desperately. And as much as people say "make the most out of the time you have with him" it doesn't take away the pain of him being gone. And this is the way it will be for his entire childhood.
There is so much more I could say I am afraid of, but it is terribly embarrassing and plays into my insecurities.
Crimson
You're not taking up too much oxygen Crimson...you did NOT cause climate change. You deserve to be happy.
My question for you is, do YOU believe that? Maybe you ought to add that to the "solo work" you do. B/c it really is true. You do deserve to be loved.
But no one will meet you to know you to love you, while you are on your couch missing your son. (((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've been reading along and have not posted because you are getting AMAZING feedback and support from everyone.
I will just add a couple of things: a) Go back a re-read your last two threads. You may notice two patterns: #1 - you have remained focused (or stuck?) posting about the same things #2 - you keep asking for feedback and advice and everyone has been giving you the same advice, yet you keep asking for more insights, while it seems like you may be ignoring the ones you have been given, which are GOLDEN.
b) stop thinking, posting and talking and TAKE ACTION. Anything, the more you move and do, the less you will focus on the same conversations and thoughts that are keeping you stuck.
c) Regarding the transfers / good-byes with your son. I am in a very similar situation like you and Gaby, with this whole DB happening to us with young kids. The advice I received and what I have read, is to show your S how to act with your example. If you ignore his comments when he says "daddy, don't leave" or "I want you to pick me up" you are sending him a non-verbal message that you cannot handle the situation, which in turn, creates more anxiety for him.
Instead, kneel down, look at him in the eyes, validate and show him a strong confident Crimson. Let him know that you understand that he will miss you and that you will miss him too. Then look at him in the eyes and give him a great smile and tell him that he will have a great time with Mom and that you will see him soon. Be specific about when you will see him.
It would be ideal if you and your Ex communicated about activities you guys are doing, so you can use that to re-inforce your son. For instance: "S, I know you will miss me, and I will miss you too, but I am so excited for you. You and Mommy will go to X and will see your friends. You will have a blast! And I cannot wait to hear all about it when I see you on Y."
If he cries, re-assure him again, but be confident and firm - " S you will have a great time and you and I will be together again in X days. Time will go by fast." Then tell him you love him, give him a hug and leave.
Short and sweet is the name of the game here. Kids are so, so perceptive, that he senses your anxiety when you drop him off, and your avoidance of the topic and his comments only reinforce it and make him feel like something is wrong or that perhaps he might not see you again.
Crimson - TAKE ACTION. Show your son the strong man we know you are.
d) Have to read about co-dependency? You might find it very helpful.
e) Re-read bug's posts - she is trying to get you to take action.
(((((((((Crimson))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
We choose our thinking and by doing that we choose our life. So you choose to focus on this:
Quote:
I miss my boy, Bug. Desperately. And as much as people say "make the most out of the time you have with him" it doesn't take away the pain of him being gone. And this is the way it will be for his entire childhood.
rather than all the blessings you have. you have a healthy soon who loves you, an XW who doesn't have you in court every 10 minutes. You have a job and by what you've said here a nice house. You're able to take S on vacations. You're able to pay for him to be in a pretty good pre-school env't I would guess.
25 had a very nice response to this
Quote:
I am afraid of missing out on chunks of my son's life. Chunks that can't be filled with pictures, or videos or Skype chats.
We all have to leave our children for chunks of time, it's how we respond to that condition that sets the tone for everyone. What are your values around this issue and what you want him to learn from you as a man and a father and a human being walking on this earth. Are you living those values?
Do you practice gratitude? I mean really practice it? Get up every day and write down 3 things you're grateful for. I'm serious. YOu can't be simultaneously grateful and a victim. So find more things to be grateful for, everyday.
k_g is so right about denying your son's feelings. Let him have his sad feelings. They're real, they matter to him. Your denying them could make him feel ashamed and then he will try and stuff them. Again something to talk to your IC about.
Crimson, I challenge you to stop bashing yourself. Your negative self-talk is self-defeating but it's also manipulative and it keeps you in the victim place. When those thoughts start up in your mind, recognize what you're doing and let it go. Talk back to your mind, it doesn't always tell the truth. Same when you want to write them out here, recognize what your're doing and make a different choice. It's not easy but it's doable. Another topic for IC.
It's work, but it's worth it.
“Self-acceptance means you refuse to buy into your judgments your mind makes about you, whether they’re good judgments or bad ones. Instead of judging yourself, you recognize your strengths and your weaknesses, and you do what you can to be the person you want to be.” Dr.Russ Harris
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'd repeat the same thing but I won't. Crimson you're getting good advice. You need to get in a healthier place, for yourself but also for your son. Of course it's hard. A good IC can help.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Along with providing advice and commentary to many on these boards, you have been through a lot and have made great progress in many areas.
How about applying some of those skills and focus to this area also?
Many here seem to believe that you have it in you............
Stay strong Crimson!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I do try, SF, to comment and help people where I can around here. Lord knows I have taken from the board so I try to give when I can.
I think the amazing thing is that so many people here have commented on growth -- I think it is like literal PHYSICAL growth....you never feel it yourself, but others notice long before you are aware of it. I think I am different...better....but at this point I have to rely on my friends here and in the real world that have seen it and commented. To me, I just feel like I'm livin' - ya know?
Couple of things to share -- nothing major, just babbling I guess....
I went again to the Wednesday night meditation service at church. It's weird...I kind of feel compelled and driven to go even though part of me just wants to go home at the end of the work day. It is soooo beneficial for me. It gives me a chance to quietly kind of clear my head and focus -- there is a long, guided meditation/prayer component to it that helps me relax and feel....well, better about myself - even if it only lasts for a few hours. I think it is helping from a spiritual perspective and I see myself continuing to go....I think.
I have been seeing someone through all of this...sorta since February - but the relationship remains fairly undefined. We have never referred to each other as BF/GF....just really dating. And though I think it is good for me, I am considering kind of shutting it down right now. I know that I am not entirely whole-hearted right now and I often question if it is fair to only be partially there for someone that clearly wants the relationship to escalate. She has been incredibly helpful and supportive during the last few difficult weeks. She, too, is divorced with a little one....bad situation....she was being abused by her now XH....concussions, the whole deal. But she is in a better place now - and she is a great resource.....it's just that I don't think that it is fair for me to rely on her to help me move past my X. It's not fair to her. And as much as I do enjoy her company, part of me feels like the timing is wrong and I need to let her be free to find someone that can meet her on every level. Staying with her as some sort of crutch seems selfish and I would not want someone to do that to me.
I have remained silent with XW since the text exchange earlier this week. I got a text from her early this morning saying that I could just not pay her alimony/child support from my last check to cover the $700 error she created on my taxes by claiming S by mistake. I politely responded that I think it would be best if there were no interruptions to the payments that I owe her.
I do NOT want there to be any record of me NOT paying her for ANY reason. I thanked for the suggestion and wished her well with her move today and asked her to give S a hug for me. That's about the best I can do.
I was lucky enough on this journey to make friends with someone that works for an ad agency my company interacts with from time to time. Over drinks and dinner we started talking and she was interested in my life/story because she had been married, divorced, and then married her ex again. She has been loosely following my situation for awhile. We got to talk this morning and I gave her the most recent download of events. She basically gave the exact same advice everyone here has given me....back away and let her be on her own with her life....OM...and everything right now. She had some very good point - again, similar to what I have heard here. For a second, I felt like I was talking to 25.
I am trying to light the spark inside of me to go DO things. NEW things. I know that for the last few weeks I have wallowed a bit because of OM and I know it is time to pull out of the nosedive. It's just about time for me to get back to the DB basics again and try to project happy, confident, and OK with life. I don't plan on getting chummy with or speaking to XW at all.....but I can at least project positive when I have to.
