Trouble is it isn't "good behavior" because she's doing it for self-centered reasons...to solidify her PLAN B. If she crawled into bed with you and said "I want to work this out" or "we need to rethink us" then that's one thing. Being all lovey dovey after you've ignored her...that's just to reel PLAN B back in. That's my take on this anyway. I too am going through this, you are not alone.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I can say its going to take longer then we want for either our spouses to decide they want to work on M. And we have to know that whatever we do we have to make the changes we know we need to make and make them to make ourselves better, and hope in turn this makes our M better.
But I think you have to wait for spouse to really say they want to make M better, to work on R and they have to really mean it.
TIME,,,I'm telling you you may need to give it more time to see if the spouse is really rethinking things and put forth effort to work on M.
I need to take the same advice, probably did not happen overnight and will not be repaired overnight.
AND we all have to be prepared totally that the M is really over.
GAL really helps me, not pursuing and not talking about M to my H really helps.
Hang in there, keep working on GAL. Take this time to also see if you want this M while your W is saying she does not.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
You just keep trying to do DBing. I strongly recommend the books, the blogging, and if you can afford the DB coaching do it. I needed that personal advice and a game plan. Also, my sitch is grim and the R is over and the M probably done, but there's always hope for me to grow from this experience. I at least can say I tried and did everything to try to save the M. This isn't only for saving your marriage but also personal growth. Keep up the good work. It's critical in the beginning to do what is needed and sometimes if you don't know, it takes a professional. That's why I'd talk to a coach. It really helps.
Everyone, THANK YOU for your replies. As you know this is really tough and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone! I'm comforted that I have this support.
I agree with the responses, this is too soon to turn the tide - and possibly reconsider the R. I'm don't think it is a plan B response, as W is attractive and self employed... independent. Really, she can hold her own and meet people immediately.
I did reconsider meeting family, as our R is not their fault - and to be a strong man is to face the uncomfortable sit with dignity.
Budget constraints prevent me from engaging counseling directly, but if things improve its possible.
Challenge - Setting boundaries: The following day after my original post she also asked for a hug - which I complied. From everyone's advice I need to reestablish concrete boundaries - there has been NO discussion of reconsidering, and these 'good behaviors' are 'having your cake and eating it too'. After the weekend is up I will have a talk, explain why she cannot step into my personal space - the only question I have is:
Do I bring up the D and say you cannot do this unless you reconsider (ultimatum) or just mention I'm uncomfortable and confused?
I forgot to mention this before, but W was previously D. I think this makes it easier to give up.
Me: 43, W:42 M: 11 years T: 17 years Step S:22 Separated: 5/08/10 (came back 8 months later) Bomb Dropped: 04/12/14
beach, I feel for you and have a pretty good idea of what you're going through. It's literally an emotional rollercoaster and you're likely swinging wildly between panic, shame, anger, and frustration at the lack of control in your sitch.
My only advice right now is to not do anything rash - and that includes ultimatums. Only make one if you're absolutely sure you can live with either of her choices - keeping in mind that she might not choose the option you prefer.
Having said that, boundaries are important and rather than issue it like a threat it would probably be better to just state it as what you're not willing to put up with - something along the lines of "W, as long as you're insistent on going through with W, I won't accept your hugs / cuddling in my bed." and tell her why/how it makes you feel.
Maybe some of the vets can chime in - I'm pretty new at this still.
-Pluto
H: 29 W: 27 No Kids
Together: 12/04 (9 years) Living: 02/09 (5 years) Married: 06/13 (11 months) ILYBNILWY: 01/14 Separate Bedrooms: 01/14 Discovered Affair: 02/14 (On-going) W Moved Out: 06/14
Agreed, I have not set concrete boundaries; just did a 180 and GAL non-stop.
After the last post it has become more interesting/complex....
1. I attended the family events as mentioned, the first being Thursday afternoon. This was the first event that I was going to skip. It was appreciated.
2. The next evening I GAL'ed at a bar that has salsa lessons. Dancing has been my kryptonite, so this is the ultimate 180.
3. The next morning I had a GAL hobbie planned, and had to leave early. W woke me up and came into my room before the alarm went off and snuggled with me. Since I tied one on, I hit snooze for another hour and we both fell asleep in my bed. I woke up and left her there, had fun all day and was happy with my GAL, confused with the morning.
4. The next day was the BIG family event, but she wanted to drive separate. I agreed, and when I arrived she didn't have a seat saved next to her at the family table. I was unhappy, but considering the sit, I contacted a F friend and arranged dinner;excused myself from the event. We closed down the bars.
5. The next morning she has a UID removed. This is a surprise to me. I have always wanted a child, and WE have never really talked about it, but it was an underlying desire. She mentioned she woke up crying and the nightmare was "you hated me"
6. After the procedure she is feeling terrible. She asks me to sit and hug her / watch TV, so I oblige.. She then starts crying, holding back tears. I just ask whats wrong and she responds with everything... but doesn't get into detail. i think its the IUD and the sadness of giving up the dream together...
SO, When do I re-engage... because the sadness was felt by me too... I took a shower and went drinking that night. I really want to give here an ultimatum....
Last edited by beachmx; 05/20/1407:52 AM.
Me: 43, W:42 M: 11 years T: 17 years Step S:22 Separated: 5/08/10 (came back 8 months later) Bomb Dropped: 04/12/14
WOW, so its been a little more than 2 yrs since this post. Kinda crazy...
Update: She moved out, then moved back in. I stopped paying the mtg (was killing us) lost the house. I moved into another live/work space...continued with GAL.
Fast forward.... picked up a live in GF, but the heart still wants my W back. She still HAS NOT filed for the D. I will not based on principle...plus my heart is still not ready, regardless of my current relationship status.
Unfortunately, we are probably past the age of having a child together... which is really troubling to me. I'm very torn.
This [censored].
Me: 43, W:42 M: 11 years T: 17 years Step S:22 Separated: 5/08/10 (came back 8 months later) Bomb Dropped: 04/12/14
