She moved home but still in love with OM!

[HollyAnn]

All of this is just great info...
Thanks

Now it is time for application.

So the way my house is built the walk in closet is directly over the bathroom below. I was in that bathroom clearing out a clog and I could hear my wife speaking to other man.

I was not actively listening, but I could hear her threatening him the way she does me.

That's not the point.
She tells me she has not made up her mind etc. About the future.

Then I hear her tell him you have to understand where he's coming from, his wife stepped out on him do you understand that. Then she tells him I know about my husband and my past you don't have to bring it up and you don't have to bash him ( OM will not stop harping on our past abuses, mine in particular)

She then tells him if you don't let me talk I am hanging up on you.

Then she tells him I promise you i will honor the oath I made to you...( that hurts, what about the oath you made to me?)

Anyway now I did listen...she said to him, you have to understand I am just going through the motions, I've already promised you that when we divorce whether it's in six months or two years I promised you I will marry you and become your wife ( he has been essentially single for 20 years and he is 53).

I don't know if she's manipulating him, manipulating both, that is not important. I can see what is happening, but she and he focus on this entire abuse thing..

What are the chances of me really turning this around.

On one hand she tells me that she wants to do things with me etc like we are a couple, even buy gifts for our anniversary , we are not legally separated but she refuses to wear her wedding band.

I really am going to apply all the advice above and in DB ..

It's just hard to hear some of the things she says.

Ox

Nothing about your sitch is healthy.
You have not drawn any boundaries.
She has you in The Friend Zone while she carries on with om.
Your w has no respect for you because she is allowed to walk all over you.
This is not at all attractive to women; it makes you look weak.

[HollyAnn]

"Conducting an A with impunity, while living with LBS in the family abode, is emotional abuse."

No it isn't. Look, we can go round and round on this but the bottom line is that you keep labeling things like this and it won't help the situation. I mean I'm sure you had to deal with negative different situations when you saved your marriage didn't you?

Not like this.

H's A was not rubbed in my face; he is one of the few who left first because he thought he was "unhappy." Pursuit of ow occurred a few months later.

We did not live under the same roof during our separation. I never gave him any argument at all; I went dark immediately and left town once our D was final a year later. The last thing I wanted to do is interact with him at all. And I didn't. So, I think that helped that I left him alone to deal with the trauma he caused.

He soon realized that he had been emotionally abusive (his words) toward me by projecting all of his bs onto me. In fact, he places no blame on me at all for our split; told me several times it was not my fault and has never deviated from that.

[MrBond]

So you're saying that you didn't have to change and that it was all on him. I wasn't sure if you reconciled or not.

Whatever your case is, that's his situation now. I agree what he's doing isn't attractive. But he doesn't have the option of leaving right now. I'm sure he's anxious to hear how you saved your marriage.

[HollyAnn]

Emotional abuse comes in many forms:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

[Oxford1]

Thanks

Yes that's my concern. I keep hearing go dark. Which I did when she did not live here. She would text me call me anything to check up on me. But now she is home.
She claims it was. To protect me and prove to people that I was not the dangerous lunatic SHE. And OM made me to be.

How do I disengage in the same house.

She follows me around. She comes in my room and asks for a back massage ( clothes on by the way) she tries to hold my hand.

She even talks about dinner on our anniversary after she comes back from seeing her OM IN another country,

SO IS my approach best to be the best man and just ignore the affair. Mor do I avoid her.

I have started to GAL, I just don't know what I should be doing at this point in time...besides all the other stuff about listening not arguing...

That is the main crux of my confusion. The MA. Board says face it I am done, ignore her my divorce her,etc...

How do I get her to stop talking about OM. I try and try and try.

[claire7]

HollyAnn--ok, let's say she is abusing him. What do you suggest he do?

[MrBond]

"Emotional abuse comes in many forms:"

Still hung up on this huh? Moving forward how about explaining how you SAVED your marriage? I mean this is a marriage saving website.

[nit84]

Yes I would be interested in how your marriage was saved also HollyAnn

Most of us on here are looking for success stories please share

[Oxford1]

Emotional abuse comes in many forms:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

Wow, I know I have done a few of these but I was on the receiving end of a lot more.

We both got to into these actions

[Oxford1]

So today my wife called me to tell me about some future travel plans for work.

Interestingly she reminded me that our anniversary is on the 22 of June ( I have never ever ever forgot our anniversary) she said we should do something for our anniversary since it is after she gets back from a two day business trip.

The. She reminds me that she plans on going toIsrael from May29- June 15 to see her OM.

AND THEN SAYS SINCE SHE WILL MISS FATHERS DAY WE WILL GO OUT ON JUNE 16. This I don't know how to handle...I will already have gone out with my two sons who love and respect me.

Now once again she reminds me of our anniversary and that we should do something.....how can she even say this to me in the same breath as telling me she is still going to Israel to see her AP!?