The OW is NOT the competition nor should ever be one. Do you remember who came in second place in, say, the Kentucky Derby? Exactly. You are the REAL prize. Remember that, honey.
Thanks Wonka I really appreciate the reminder. Intellectually, I know that it is not a competition. In fact, I would never trade places with the OW because I would not want to be anything like her, on multiple levels. I know that I need to stop caring what my H thinks about me. I hate that I let his opinion affect me, especially since he has been acting like a horrible human being himself. There are a million people who think the world of me, yet I worry about how he views me.
This is a new week. It is absolutely gorgeous out today and it makes me feel like a new start is possible. Yes, I let my boundaries down when I should not have. But I can start new today. Time to stop being angry at myself (and my H) and keep walking forward.
This is how we know you have this tiger by the tail.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I met with a L yesterday for the first time. It honestly made me feel sick. She thought that I should file on the grounds of adultery, subpoena his business bank records, cell phone records and emails. I am not ready to go there. I left feeling bad about myself for standing for so long considering my H's decision. After thinking about it for a few hours, I realized that I should not let someone, who not standing in my shoes, influence my decisions. I did take away some helpful advice that I will consider.
H and I talked about our schedule for the kids over the next few weeks last night. The conversation went well and we laid out a plan.
This morning I woke up to this email and I am not sure what to think: _________________ 3Boyz,
I’m not hoping for a reply and don’t really want one, but wanted to write you… I know we are continuing to go down different paths, are getting rid of family days altogether, and are setting up our lives as if we aren’t together. I know that you think I’m an awful human being and you are right when you say that you deserve better. I know that we fell out of love with each other and spent time ripping each other apart as opposed to protecting what we had. I know you tried harder. I really am sorry for my part. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to give us a real shot, yet, as I’ve tried to figure out all the things in my life. I certainly haven’t been good at it. It feels impossible as we just planned out a full month of not being in the same room as each other. As more and more people start to learn about us and as this “distance” between us becomes our new norm, I just want you to know that I’m sad, too. I know I don’t show it well, but I am sad. And, while you don’t think so, I’m sorry.
I also thought you should know that I really enjoyed the time we spent together on Mother’s Day and I really thought about you and making you feel happy. I was excited giving you the pictures and for me, it felt like a first in a while. I really do value the relationship we have with our kids, both together and separately. And, I really think you are the best mom in the world… it is the thing I have loved watching most about you – especially lately.
I wish we could share some time together with the kids, but I know you have to protect your heart and that you are tired of me… I just want you to know that I’m sorry and sad. I’ll be by tonight for a fun afternoon adventure with our crazy kiddos and hope you have a good day at work, golf lessons, etc.
___________________________
I think that he was trying to be open and honest. But I cant tell anymore if he is just trying to manipulate me so that his fantasy world does not end.
Also, H's IC told me to start dating me. Any opinions. I would like to start dating him again, but the OW is still in the picture. Dont want to allow cake eating.
As for the lawyer talk....How you go about it is all about you. For me personally, going the adultery route just wasn't right. I could have easily pursued it, but there was really so little to gain and so much more to lose (like co-parenting).
As for the letter and your last statements....Actions speak louder than words. Facts overrule theories. The fact is the other woman is very much in the picture. Until she is gone....everything else is cake eating.
When your mind set changes from this is how I deserve to be treated....To this is how I demand to be treated, you will have taken the last step.
Just know in your heart, adultery is not acceptable to God, per his word. As for the legal system, it's a changing thing and I wouldn't bring up the dirty laundry. I had a 6 year long custody battle and H wouldn't give up. Believe me a broken down marriage is sufficient enough, in most states.
Also, H's IC told me to start dating me. Any opinions. I would like to start dating him again, but the OW is still in the picture. Dont want to allow cake eating.
???Who is supposed to date who?
He can't manipulate you if you don't let him. You're in that driver's seat.
If you know, has he addressed the alcohol issue?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Since H is not living at home, I am not 100% certain where he is with the alcohol issue. It appears that he has. He is not going out drinking like he did last year. Due to his DUI, he has interlock on his car so he physically cannot drink at all and then drive somewhere. He has gone to AA meetings. He acknowledges that he was out of control. Time will tell, especially when the interlock is removed from his car.
Life has been crazy and I have not had much time to read and post.
After talking with my IC and thinking long and hard about what I wanted, I responded to my H's email mentioned above. I told him that I was also sad and set forth several things that would need to happen in order to revisit our current schedule and boundaries. I was pretty specific so there is no way there could be any confusion. He is either willing or not.
I figured that I had nothing to lose. If he does not respond or is not willing, then the boundaries and schedule are already in place. If he does, then maybe it will be good for all of us and a new step forward. No matter what happens I will know that I tried everything possible. I will have no regrets.
My H confirmed that he received my email and that he needed some time to think about it and talk with his IC. No response yet, but I am actually doing great. We had finished up two weeks with no family time. I am getting used to the routine and it is peaceful.
H has been paying rent on a new place, but I am not sure if he has moved in yet. I am not asking questions and simply focusing on my life. I was able to get the name of a child psychologist, since we will likely need to talk to the kids since they are noticing that we are no longer doing family things together.
Life is sweet. I am happy again. H still takes up a little too much head space, but I am getting there.
I really appreciate the reminder. Intellectually, I know that it is not a competition. In fact, I would never trade places with the OW because I would not want to be anything like her, on multiple levels. I know that I need to stop caring what my H thinks about me. I hate that I let his opinion affect me, especially since he has been acting like a horrible human being himself. There are a million people who think the world of me, yet I worry about how he views me.