Quote: and does the cell phone have total bearing for you as to whether or not the a is really over??
An excellent question. If I saw the cellphone usage dwindle to zero (without my insistance, i.e., without a confrontation), yes, I'd take that as a sign that the A was really over. So, knowing you a little, I'm guessing that your next question is going to be, how will I ever have peace (how will I know the A is really over) if I do have to have a confrontation in order to make this cellphone go away? To which I don't really have an answer. It's hard to prove the negative, isn't it? An A can be sometimes easy to prove, the lack of an A is very difficult to prove. I guess you can add that to your list of why it might be better not to confront (not that I'm promising anything!).
Quote: doh! (said in a homer simpson fashion) isn't that the equivelant of a BUT??
Yeah, it is. My skull is pretty thick, I still think that I won't be able to handle the existance of the cellphone over the long term. Guess you'll have to continue to work on me.
I'll work on the thought stopping technique (hey, is there a feeling stopping technique?). You are right, focussing on the positive makes me happier, and that makes me more attractive. And being able to sleep is a big bonus!
There's really nothing to report on my situation. My W and I had a very nice Father's Day weekend. We've only had 1 R talk in the past month and it went reasonably well. I still try to focus mostly on what she does, which is very positive, rather than what she says during R talks, which is mostly confusing. I'm just trying to work on myself most of the time.
Right now we are trying to come up with a solution for a friend of hers that got drawn into this thing. When I was email snooping to discover the affair about a year ago, the emails that I got the "dirt" on her were between her and her woman friend discussing the OM. Her friend was also having an affair at the time. My W told her friend that I had seen some emails and now there is some unspoken tension between us. Her friend wants to visit (she lives out of state) but is hesitant to see me. I proposed sending a peace offering and my W has agreed in principle. So, I need to compose an email to the friend that says in effect "hey, no hard feelings, let's just move on and not worry about what happened". I think that about sums it up for our R at this time. Much of what is going on in terms of affair recovery is just cleanup (if you're interested I'll let you know what the biggest cleanup issue is later). The major work has already been accomplished with respect to the As. Now, we are just working on the two of us, one small step at a time. Perhaps since you are not making some of the big mistakes I made in the beginning, you will achieve your peace sooner than I did.
Quote: Much of what is going on in terms of affair recovery is just cleanup (if you're interested I'll let you know what the biggest cleanup issue is later).
Yeah, of course I'm interested.
I'm glad to hear that things continue to improve, even if it's slow going. The situation with your W's friend reminded me of when my W's friend similarly wanted to visit, just 3 weeks after D-day. I had briefly been angry with her because I knew that she had known of the A, and I felt betrayed. I ended up calling her and straightening it out. Turns out she had been very much against the A, and had been trying to get my W to stop it. I can certainly see in your case how the friend might feel a little uncomfortable around you. Anyway, good luck with that.
Bri, Father's Day was fine, I spent it w the kids by myself as always, H always has to work, just about every holiday except Xmas Eve & Xmas, Labor & Memorial Day & the 4th. The kids & I made h a card & served h breakfast in bed before work(Sunday is an early day) I also made h a card just from me.
H came home after work, a 12 hr day & seemed to be weird I don't know. Said h was just tired (probably very true) but youi know me all this stuff running through my head. I like you wish I could make it stop.
I was going to ask if you got what you wanted for Father's Day (your 3 little words) but didn't want to make you feel bad if it hadn't happened, I am so trilled for you. I told you it would happen when you least expected it. I know what you mean about not believing your ears.
The hostess job would be a permenent thing if I choose, but it will kind of be temporary due to the fact that my H will have to watch the kids, bring them to work for h to start h shift (which mine will be ending) I'll take them home. We don't have a sitter & can't afford daycare. My H used to watch them before when I worked but could not get enough sleep, it effected h, us everything. So I went casual then eventually quit. It wsn't worth it. I definatly do not want that to happen & put a damper on everything. But we really do need the money & it was h idea not mine. That is if I do get the job it is not definate, but I have a really good chance (because of H) So if it works ok if not that's ok too. I really do need this for me, it's hard to home everyday w kids, funny I think alot of women would want it to be that way. The other down fall will be that I won't see my H as much as I do now, I don't want that to do any harm either. Oh boy I get so tired of worrying & trying to be perfect & make everything perfect I think I make myself crazy.
I also know what you mean about my H leaving the house to do something Or me leaving to do something (without eachother) or H leaving alittle early for work or hell even me going to bed before h does (I'm always afraid that h be calling the OW) even though the last months cell phone bill says otherwise. I even thought that maybe s only calls h because h knows I see the numbers called but I keep telling myself that would probably be totally unrealistic considering the calls were between 70-90 before. What do you think?
I don't have any suggestions about our panic attacks & I was never one to relax (it's just not in me) I do try though. I wish I had some ideas on the matter I sure would try to use them. I really really wish I could talk to my H about how I feel & hope h would give me alittle reasurance, but I am to afraid to because in h mind h probably thinks things are going well so why would I be drugging everything back up again even though I wouldn't be totally (there are somethings I won't even touch) I even thought about writing h a letter I do that alot when I need to express myself, but I am not so sure what h think of that either. See how I worry & analize everything. Crazy huh?
Well I am so sorry this is such along post, but this is the only place I can vent. I hope you have a wonderful night & many more ILY. ~~K~~
Hi, It's me again. Panic city. I know I have to quit doing that. I just talked to my H to see when h thought h might be home. H was very angry because a message that our youngest s(4) left him back in Oct. (that h has saved all this time) somehow got erased, I get the bad feeling that h somehow thinks that I had something to do w it. I didn't wouldn't dare try to use h cell phone (maybe if I thought I wouldn't get caught) but that would not be my luck. You need a passcode to even get into it (which I do know what it is NOW) due to the fact that H was having trouble w voicemail a couple of weekends ago & was busy at work so I had to call & get it taken care of h gave me the passcode in case I needed it. When we went out last week I had to use h phone & asked h if h had changed it h said no why? I just thought h would because h wouldn't want me to know it. Now I'm afraid it has come to haunt me! H also said h was going to be really late because h had to close & the dishwashers were fooling around to much. So of course I'm in a panic over that. Is it true & so on. You know the drill. I don't know what to do because I have been having these feelings of I don't know if I can do this, I feel like I'm loosing my mind. ILH dearly w all my heart & things have been fine, I just have all these what ifs & can't believe h did what h did, & will it happen again & of course it'll be my fault (like before) & I'm just so tired of feeling like ok did I do the things I am making h happy did I tick h off today, did I show h ILH without actually saying (although I do teel h just not as much as I used to) HELP!!! Why am I having these feelings? I can't change the way my heart feels, but I am so afraid of my heart being broken again. Can anyone tell me if those feelings ever go away or am I going to have to live w them for the rest of my life? I'm sorry if I put a damper in your night I just had to let it out alittle. Is everything still ok w you? ~~K~~
Just stopping by. Okay take a moment to relax and breathe. I didn't read all of your post but from this last one you seem to be extremely worried about what's happening with your H. One thing that I learned through this DBing stuff is that regardless of what is happening outside you can't do anything and you may never really no so try not to waste your energy on it. Use that energy to ensure the time you do spend together is positive and loving. That negative energy will just eat you up and cause you to react in a way perhaps for no reason. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He is coming home to you so make that a wonderful experience so he thinks twice about looking for anything else outside. I know the thought of him being with someone else and you not knowing may be eating you up inside but if you put it in perspective that same energy and thought process you may have, may send him directly into the arms of another unintentionally. Sometimes the very thing that we want to avoid we focus so much energy on that it becomes a reality as everything that we do takes us in that direction. Now is the time for you to change the path. Set your goal and with every action ask yourself is this helping me to achieve my goal. If the answer is no than change the behaviour. This is my new philosophy. Hope this helps. You can do it just breathe and envision the way you want things to be and do what you can to take you there. All the best. Dee
I wish I had the answer for how to deal with all of our ongoing worry. One thing you need to do is to remember that as far as you know, your H has not done anything in the last while (one month?) that indicates that he is still involved with the OW. Think about all of the times you've worried, only to find out later that you were wrong, and there was a completely innocent explanation. Also, notice that your H did not change his passcode. I think that is a very good sign, even if he is mad about the erased message at the moment.
Trust can be rebuilt, but it's going to take time, I'm sure. I've read 2 to 5 years. It's only been, what, 2 or 3 months for you? Realize that you are not alone. We are all going through these feelings. It can be so weird. Yesterday my W did something really sweet and loving, and then went upstairs alone. In about the space of 20 seconds, I went from feeling great to having evil thoughts that she may be going to call him. No, of course she didn't, and it was stupid of me to even think that she might. But that's just the way it's going to be for awhile. Be patient, it's going to get better.
When these panic attacks come, focus on what you know, not on what you don't know. I know you try to be positive when you are around him, but from my own experience, it's very hard when you are still trying to recover from the latest panic attack.
I don't think writing him a letter is a bad idea. I think it can be helpful as a way of organizing your thoughts and being able to say things to him that might not come out right if you just start talking. If you do write a letter, the important thing will be to not accuse him or blame him anymore. He knows what he did. No point in rehashing any of it. But you can gently share with him how fearful you still are. Let him know if there are specific things that he can do to help reassure you (for example, call home more often, tell you specifically where he's going, etc). Ask him for his help and try to make it a team effort, so he doesn't feel like you think of him as the enemy.
I don't know if this is helpful; I obviously struggle with the same stuff, and I feel like a bit of a hypocrite giving you advice about it.
Yesterday was another good day. Lot's of affection and togetherness. Today is a rare day in which both my W and I are working, so we drove down together and I dropped her off at work (we live north of Los Angeles and our commutes are to roughly the same area south of LA).
I hope you have a good day and evening. Remember all the good things that are happening between you and your H.
Quote: I don't know if this is helpful; I obviously struggle with the same stuff, and I feel like a bit of a hypocrite giving you advice about it.
never feel like a hypocrite for giving advice...often we learn best how to deal with our own sit's by trying to help others find way to deal with it...of course taking our own medicine is easier..but if we can try to remember what it is we've advised others to do (easy because it's outside of us) perhaps we can take a step back and evaluate our sits with a more positive eye.
you guys are doing great..for a while this forum was neg and downtrodden..happy to see progress here...I invite you to move to piecing or simply add another thread there..I know some piecers visit (like sage and myself) but you will find others there that are dealing or have moved beyond what you are dealing with now that may be helpful.
Thanks for the invite. I've been thinking of making the move myself, but somehow feel like I need to finish handling this secret cellphone issue before "graduating". One way or another, I'll be there soon.
Quote: but somehow feel like I need to finish handling this secret cellphone issue before "graduating".
there you go with another "but", take a look around the neighborhood and you will see that we all still have our demons in one form or another, whether it be a mysterious cell phone or just an uneasy feeling...you are welcome any time you feel ready to make the move.
