Life in a mess 2

[dingo]

jeez - another message from you that was just what I needed to read today. Thanks Sandi..

[AndyK]

that makes a lot of sense to me.
I do sometimes try to read into what she does in some vague hope that she is changing her mind about things but I know thats futile now and only serves to stop my progress in detaching.
Its just weird that we can't communicate anymore, we were such a close couple able to talk about anything and now the slightest issue becomes impossible.
I really have to stand firm on the distance now as I know it is better for me.

[sandi2]

Ahhhhh, thank you.

[AndyK]

Ok Day two and she breaks the rules again
She came round to drop the boys off after picking them up earlier.
Then comes into the kitchen as I am preparing my dinner and starts a conversation. Small talk again, then asks can she see the boys on Sat for a while.
I was staying calm and a little bit aloof.I spoke in short sentences and said yeah sure, but I am taking them shopping but might be back late.
Then she gets annoyed as she feels I am snubbing her What the ...??? She starts to storm off.
I called her back and asked what exactly she expected, we had agreed space and distance and she expects me to be full of joy etc when she is around, how was I supposed to be around her?
I'm trying hard with all of this but she keeps imposing herself.
Is it time for me to put my foot down, maybe I should have been firmer but I believed we had agreed and now she is really staring to wind me up.

[MrBond]

"but I believed we had agreed and now she is really staring to wind me up."

Saying that you're going to give her "space" isn't a concrete set of rules. If you want to have something enforceable, then come up with a concrete schedule and stick to it.

[AndyK]

so I should tell her what I expect and aske her to respect that?
I suppose I'm still being a bit of a wimp about this, I really need to man up

[MrBond]

No. You what you "expect" is too vague. You have to write it down in stone. Come up with a calendar and write down when you can see the kids and when she can. All other requests will be reviewed. Come up with a structure.

[AndyK]

Well the boys live with me, she only sees them three times per week for a few hours and alternative Saturdays. She texts me when she wants to see them outside of that.
Its the fact that she is starting conversations when we had agreed minimal contact.
It was supposed to be mutual and I don't initiate contact, but she does.

[MrBond]

"Its the fact that she is starting conversations when we had agreed minimal contact. "

Agreeing to giving her "space" and "time" isn't an exact minimal contact agreement. She is their mom after all, so she should have scheduled access to them. Just not whenever she feels like it.

[Grocerykartman]

Its the fact that she is starting conversations when we had agreed minimal contact.
It was supposed to be mutual and I don't initiate contact, but she does.

This can only make you mad if YOU let it.

You need to stick to a firm schedule. not because it hurts you or bothers you that she contacts you, but because it's bad for your boys to not know who they're going to be with. They need to get used to a schedule and not be surprised. You need to be busy with your boys as much as possible too, with things planned whenever you can. That way you won't be tempted to just give up time with them because you don't see that you have anything better to do.