I posted initially on the Newcomers forum. I think it's ok to post here too, to introduce? Husband firmly in MLC, 9 months after BD...
Hello all. My first post -- it's long.
I have been studying this board for about 7 months now, with a husband deep in a severe MLC. I have read both MW's books, and have read many of the resources on MLC on this site, plus a couple of books that deal with it specifically. I have also spoken, once, with a DB coach, a couple of months ago. I have finally registered on this board because my story is getting more difficult to handle by the day. Here it is.
H (55) and I (51) had been married for almost 20 years when he dropped the bomb in June 2013 – 2 days before our 20th anniversary to be exact. We have no children, 2 homes, we are both college-educated and have good jobs/income. I had been noticing behavior changes in him for at least the last 5 years – irritable, angry, not his usual friendly, happy, and carefree self. Many times I asked what was wrong, and I got 'nothing' or 'I'm not happy' with some explanation, but not stated with urgency, as in, 'it's over unless…etc.' We had our problems over the years, but it always seemed like things were still reasonably ok.
In November 2012, he joined a work-related program that involved meeting monthly with a group and a trip overseas in spring of 2013. About one month after returning from the trip, he dropped the bomb. He said he had been unhappy for at least the last 5 years, which coincides with what I thought I noticed. He blamed me for everything, said I had lots of issues that needed to be dealt with. In addition to his claim that we were never close (over 20 years!), and that he hates his job, his biggest complaint was that we never had children. We had had several discussions about it over the years. Early on, I was not at all ready. Later on, when we did try for a while, it did not result in a pregnancy. I am now past child-bearing age and have been grieving over this myself for several years. We both did that, and drifted apart. Neither of us were great communicators, and so this is where we are now.
Bomb drop was complete with explosive MLC anger (dissipated now), a lot of crying (still going on 9 months later), blaming, saying things that didn't make sense. I suspected an OW around April of 2013, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Soon after bomb drop, there were more signs, but still no concrete evidence. He moved out in July. I believe the EA did not become a PA until after he moved out. We have been separated about 9 months now, he has been living with a family member, and took only the clothes that he needed. Everything else is still here in this house, with me. I found concrete evidence of PA in February 2014. Since I confronted him with it, we have had several long talks, mostly about all of our issues that we never dealt with over the years. They have been very emotionally charged (for both of us, but much more so for him), and because they have been so difficult, we have also written some long letters to each other. I still love him very much, and want to stay together. As long as I have known him he has been a very good man, not someone who mistreats people he cares about. He was always dependable, caring, kind, unselfish, and responsible, always worked very hard. Now he is just the opposite of all that, at least with me.
He has still not actually said the D word, but has threatened, in a roundabout way, that it's over, he wants to move on, and he's going to find out 'what he needs to do.' Nothing has been done yet, to my knowledge. He is still contributing to household expenses, I still pay the bills, but we have (and have always had) separate credit cards.
Since bomb drop, I have been going to weekly IC (he has so far only gone to a couple of sessions himself, with the same counselor, but refuses to go together saying it won't do any good). I have done a lot of work to dig deep and try and figure out why I was so unwilling to take some chances in life, and it's been a difficult but enlightening journey. I held back a great deal and was, in many respects, afraid to just let go and really live, and enjoy life as it's meant to be enjoyed without worrying about how I was going to handle the challenges that came along, financial or otherwise. As a result, we did not do a lot of things that we both would have enjoyed. It also held me back from having children early on. Understanding all of this has maybe come too late for us to repair our marriage, but I still have a tiny bit of hope since, through counseling, I've been able to enjoy life more fully. Only now, I'm going it alone. Not as much fun, to be sure. These were very hard lessons to learn, and I have likely paid the highest price.
Despite all of this, I know it wasn't all my fault. He let things simmer just below the surface for a long time, and then just exploded. He does say he takes 50% of the responsibility and realizes this. Deep down, however, I see/feel a lot of resentment. I got ILYBINILWY, we are like roommates, he still loves me but his feelings 'have changed', etc. His new friends are his best friends now and they are all younger, as is the OW (he doesn't see many old friends or family). He is firmly in replay, and cycling. A different person shows up each time I see him (which is only about every couple of weeks, maybe). Told me he loved me about 10 days ago (first time in 9 months), crying, and then 5 days later said he's 'sorry' – again - meaning it's over. Says he misses some things about us but not others. Wants to be friends. Meanwhile, he hates his job and has for several years now. Casts a lot of blame on the organization's leaders for making many mistakes. Job is now in jeopardy due to budget cuts.
I have been GAL'ing since day 1, before I even knew what it was. Jumped right into survival mode. Went through a 13-week DivorceCare group program in the fall, when I was certain we would be divorced soon, and have made some new friends from that group. I have been taking lots of classes (yoga, meditation, etc.), working full-time, going to church, getting back in touch with friends and family, and have worked really hard to become much more open and willing to share who I really am. It feels really good, but I look back with so much regret, wishing I had been the real me all along. We would very likely not be where we are today.
I have followed almost all of the DB guidelines, but recently said I just can't ride this rollercoaster with him anymore. If he wants to talk to me, I will listen. But I have said all I could think of to say and nothing has made a difference. He has initiated as many R talks as I have (we've probably talked 7 times, at length, since bomb drop). Although I think we understand what went wrong now, nothing seems to change. He is still very confused and in a fog. He does know there is 'something wrong with him' and thinks he may be depressed (he is, very). He has said he knows he needs counseling, and has promised to go, alone. But he has had only a couple of sessions.
I think I have an MLC'er who is also a WAS. The MLC is certainly very obvious, but I know now that he was thinking of leaving for a few years already. He currently does not think or act rationally, and has been spending quite a bit more lately. He looks terrible, has gained weight, is not working out as much, doesn't eat right, and feels 'homeless.' He 'hates himself', hates his life (despite the OW?), has many regrets (mostly not speaking up for what he really wanted and needed in the marriage) and realizes he doesn't treat people nicely anymore (mainly at work).
I am heartbroken. And hindsight is 20-20. Many days are good days, but then I have one like today that takes all my strength just to keep going, get some work done, and get some sleep. It is so hard to stop focusing on this situation. I try to keep busy, and most days I do. My friends have been great, and what few family members I do have have been great too. I am so much closer to all of them now, and I am so grateful to have them. But I need others who understand where I am and why I am there. That's where this board comes in. It is my hope that I can find some encouragement here, and that I can provide some for others who might not be as far along in this as I am. I am strong, but sometimes feel very shaky still. A friend has a saying: "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water." Well, I'm in hot water, and trying to hold up as best I can. I never, in a million years, thought my life would be like this. _________________________ Me 51, H 55 M 20 years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
You've come to the right place for support and encouragement as you walk through this journey. You're not alone in this journey.
Start by reading Cadet's homework.
Visiting and reading other people's threads here in the MLC forum will help drive traffic to your own thread.
Your H has to figure out his own chit and just let him be in walking his own journey. It's good to see that you're GALing which will help you in the detachment department tremendously.
For inspiration, you might want to read Raine's threads: Stuck On You
Well, H wants 'to meet' this Wednesday evening. I believe he will finally be taking some concrete steps toward divorce. When I spoke to a DB coach a couple of months ago, I was advised to just say 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I still don't think divorce is the answer, but I respect your decision.' So I guess that's all I have left at this point.
I met with an attorney today for the first time, and I feel much better, like I can take whatever comes my way now. After 9 months of this craziness, I was starting to doubt my sanity, but the attorney has heard it all, and he had my husband pegged the minute I started describing the situation. He probably could have finished the story for me. So, now I wait til Wednesday evening. Let's see if he decides to tell me -- for about the 4th time now -- that it's over. Any words of advice? Anyone? Bueller? Love this forum. It truly is so helpful, even if I'm just reading everyone else's stories...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Hi LN, I'm so sorry you are here. Mine is the same age as yours, he BD'd only THREE months ago and divorce is final already. He wasted zero time. You're so not alone. I have not found anyone in real life that seems to understand MLC but on these boards, there's a LOT of us LBSers. You sound like you're doing great, I mean under these circumstances. You did good by reading up on it and GAL. That divorcecare group you were in, I'm doing that now and it has helped me tremendously with rebuilding my own life. The best thing you can do is detach, keep reading and GAL. It can take years for these things to end and sometimes they don't. I'm hoping mine comes out of the fog but I realize it's years we're talking here. Hang in there, keep posting.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Meeting is great. However, I had a brief agenda for my own closure. Be prepared so that you can do for yourself and get what you need to get out of it. My DB coach helped me with the seldom meetings and boy was I thankful.
TL72 - That is SO quick. I can't imagine how you're getting through this in such a short timeframe. I've been praying for strength -- I'll keep you in my prayers too! Sometimes, though, I have felt like it's just long, drawn-out torture for me so far. Since the meeting with the attorney yesterday, I've been thinking that I feel quite a bit more 'detached.' So that's good. I am prepared now, for Wednesday.
Wonka, he did not say what he wants to meet about. We do have some 'business' type stuff to talk about (house, property stuff) but I have a very strong feeling that he wants to make it very clear that it's over and he's finally going to take an 'official' step toward divorce (or that he already has). We have barely communicated at all in the past few weeks -- since I finally let him know that what he's doing with the OW is not OK! I know -- I fell off the DB wagon, which I've rarely done these past 9 months. But I was SO fed up with his cr*p - from telling me the previous Wednesday that he loved me, to the following Sunday when he's back to saying 'I'm sorry...it's over.' Ugh. It truly is torture and I had had it. So, I may be paying the price for that, but you know, I had to blow off some steam. It's been trapped inside me for SO long, I just had to do it. And actually, I didn't even SAY it, I wrote it, so that I could at least think about how I wanted to word it before it came out without any planning!
By the way, I found out that OW is also still married. No filing on record for her yet. At 37, she may be going through her very own MLC, and putting her two young children right in the middle of all of it. So sad.
I thank goodness for this board. As TL72 has said, it's so helpful. I would love to actually have a live person in front of me with whom to talk about this! No one seems to understand how I can just 'stand here and take it'. They all say 'you know what you need to do', as in file for divorce. I'm still not planning on doing that myself. If that's what HE wants, HE is going to have to do the legwork. And he is a supreme procrastinator, so wait and see. Thanks anyone and everyone for your replies. I don't feel so terribly alone!!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
LN - it IS torture. It does get better, you sound like you're doing the right things, reading, educating yourself. Yes definitely make him do the legwork. It's a real mind eff. Stay strong and praying for strength every day, sometimes 10x a day helped me a lot. I stopped having any R talks at all back in January I think - the first 2 weeks after BD were me pursuing and trying to fix it and control it, then I found this place and read everything I could get my hands on. I now try to control ME because it's the only thing I can control. I have actually done way better once he moved out. I had separated the cell phones so I stopped looking for OW and I unfriended him on FB so he can't see my stuff and I can't see his stuff. Stopped looking for OW on there too. All that accomplishes is hurting me, so forget that, now he can wonder what i'm doing (which he's not) and I don't have to be hurt be seeing something that you can't unsee. They're liars, they'll deny, it is what it is, so that's why it is so important to GAL and move on as if they are never waking up from this, for your own sanity, find things to do and if you start thinking about OW then visualize that stop sign in your head, flick a rubberband on your wrist, do something else to distract you, she's his problem now, not yours. I know what you mean about a live person that knows what you're going through. My doctor happened to have a H in MLC so she understood but that is the only person in real life that I have met - otherwise they all just think it's divorce and that's that. You have to sort of not talk about it or else they give you bad advice. My own mother of course wants me to not have anything to do with H and to be angry at him all the time blah blah blah - you do what YOU feel is right, to me anger didn't solve anything or make anything better so I always treat him with kindness. Always with a positive attitude - more like a coworker now but there's no reason for me to be hateful toward him. I do feel anger and hate many times but i'm finding ways to get rid of that and try not to become too bitter. It is all very surreal. Since yours moved out last July, do you enjoy your alone time now? I look forward to going home after work now while after BD I would dread it. Now it's your place, redecorate, move things around, paint. I found it helpful to remove all the evidence of him and our marriage, it's over now. dead. if we were to ever get back together it would have to be a new R and a clean slate. The best thing you can do is let him go, put it in God's hands. Thinking of you, hang in there! It does get easier.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
