Hi there - I bought SSM (I do NOT know all the acronyms here) about 5-7 years ago, I guess that should tell me how long things have been brewing in our M. Haven't picked the book up in 5 years though.
My wife called me 2 weeks ago, while she and the kids were out of town on vac visiting her family, and told me "i think we should get divorced". A dagger, as you know. My response was - is this the best thing for the kids (I think no way, no how). She said she had already talked to a lawyer. I had advocated for counseling several times over the last 2 years, and she never had responded positively to this suggestion.
So, I had a week to myself before she and the kids returned. I cleaned the house, top to bottom, finished projects that needed it, inside the house and out. Also started going back to the gym, and made my plan of 6am to the gym everyday, and not sitting down in the house until 9pm. I will answer questions with yes, no, maybe, don't know only, will not initiate convo. This is before I got on this site and learned of 180s and b4 I hired a DB coach (Denise).
They got back on a Friday. Weekend was busy, I was friendly, but not overly so. I did not eat in front of anyone, and let it be known that I didn't have an apetite and wasn't sleeping much (again, b4 I knew of DB and 180s). I don't think it was the worst thing - one of her closest friends told me she has not felt loved, nor special, for years. I showed vulnerability and then Sunday night, I came to her and said "I don't want you to reply......I don't want this, I know I'm to blame, I know you're serious, I love you and want to make things better". Then I teared up and left the room.
So, the next morning 3/24 I got on the phone and hired said DB coach. I no sooner got off the phone from scheduling it then my MIL called me and told me my wife had scheduled a local counselor for later this week (yesterday). Great, good sign!
Later that day I had my phone sesssion with DB coach, it was good. Got some ideas, including 5 love languages book. I did ask my wife to take the profile (prob should not have) and she said no, let's just see what the counselor says. Fair. I took the profile test for her and tried to answer the way I thought she would.
Counseling session (local) was good, lots of good things. I like that he mentioned no one is blameless, and no fix is quick. I think she liked him and that's good. We have 2 more session scheduled.
So, do I continue to 180? Things are still frosty, of course. I think I need to show that I'm strong and willing to move on with my life, with or w/o her.
180 success - today I got back home from my AM workout, and she asked "what gym are you going to?", then "what do you do there?". That's 180 success, right? I just answered what was asked.
SCREW UP - later on I asked if we should have movie night tonight (Friday night, and the kids are crazy about the Frozen dvd we have) - of course the kids said "yes". She indicated "no" however, to which I replied "see, she doesn't care if I see if with you guys, cuz she's seen it multiple times with you guys". She replied, annoyed, "really?". I messed up, if only because I showed emotion/feelings. Damn. Seems as soon as I do something right (gym 180), I screw it up with my movie comment. I know people will try to rescue me with "it's alright, we all screw up, move on"....but the thing about my W is that she REMEMBERS and plays everything over in her head, holds grudges, and doesn't forgive easy. This is something our local counselor mentioned has to happen (forgiveness/acceptance), but it will be a real challenge for her. Any thoughts on how to recover from a 180 screw-up?
time, and she agreed to go to counseling. I will continue with GAL and 180s, surely we're moving in the right direction.
question - my 13yo has volleyball tournament today, would GAL mean sitting away from her a bit? wouldn't that be mysterious? it would be 180 from norm.
thanks for all support, please keep comments and advice coming....
this site would be a whole lot more useful if it were more timely. I understand the reason for moderation, etc., but it should be pretty clear pretty quickly that I'm not a spammer, or troll, or crazy person. I really just want to engage some and seek advice. Whatever you can do in this regard, it would be appreciated.
You also need to stop using sarcastic comments aimed at her, especially in front of your kids. Regardless of what happens or how this turns out, your kids shouldn't have to listen to their parents belittle each other. Think how horrible that would be for them.
She isn't going to turn things around because you say something that suddenly wakes her up. If you keep antagonizing her, you will push her further away.
So, what is her 5LL? What is yours?
And, the more you post, the more likely someone will respond- it pushes your thread to the top of the list. I'm on here multiple times a day and this morning was the first time I saw your thread. There are many people who will jump in when they can.
Hang in there.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Hi, Puffy. Sorry you find yourself here. I agree, we need more details in order to help you.
I will say, however, that you refusing to sit with your W at your kid's tournament is neither GAL, mysterious, nor a productive 180. It is more likely to come across as pouty, selfish or rude, and I don't think your kid will appreciate it either.
Have you read DR yet? You do a 180 on things that weren't working before, instead of doing the same old stuff that got you here to begin with. And GAL means finding things that you like to do (can include your kids). Not meant to control your W or get her to change her mind, but so that you can feel more fulfilled and happy as a person.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Some comments to you may sound harsh, but it's meant to get you out of destructive thoughts or behavior that will further damage your M, or your self-worth.
If you feel defensive (not saying you do, but just in case), as my IC would challenge: why such a strong reaction? What's behind it?
If you have Al-Anon in your area, I highly suggest you go. The concepts apply to all areas of life, especially self-improvement and helping you deal with your emotions.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
thanks everyone for your input. My complaint above about timely responses - I think I thought I was just conversing with the Mod, that controlled how/when my posts were put "out there" - I'm in Moderation.
As for the vb tourney - I'd sit on her LAP if I thought it would help things. I'm new to this. I guess I figured - she's the one the mentioned D, I'm giving space. I'm supposed to give space, right? Obviously I don't know the right way to go about things, most times.
Her conflicts with the M.....(from our local C session yesterday)....I spend too much time on my own activities/hobbies. This is the first time I've heard this, at least in years. It's good to know. She's also mentioned that I habitually don't do my home tasks in a timely manner, and I agree. That ain't me no more. Lastly the passive/aggressiveness and snarkiness in our convo's with each other. Both to blame for sure. I own up to everything on my end, and aim to fix it.
I have SSM, and have on order DB, which I should get in the next few days.
We're on eggshells, but things do seem to slowly be improving. Knowing what I've divulged about where we are (local counseling), I'm looking for advice, not on 180' such as working out, getting my stuff done around the house, which I will do, but on the other items such as not talking about the marriage, not initiating convos, etc. I want to operate in the most effective manner.
I've gotten the WAKE UP; I love my wife and want to be the husband that I've not been.
Kids - 3 girls, 13,11,8. M 17 years.
LL - I'm Affection. I believe (she hasn't taken profile, but our local counselor has mentioned it, but right now we're going thru Gottman) that she is Acts of Service and Quality Time, and perhaps also Words of Affirmation. I'm pretty sure she is not Affection or Gifts. QT is probably her primary LL, but that's hard for me, because at least in recent years, she does not seem to want to spend time with me, perhaps because she gave up and checked out (?).
Our C has indicated 2x now that we need to spend some 1-1 time together, but we all agreed that she needs to be the one to initiate this. It needs to be natural and not forced, but it does need to happen. I'm waiting, eagerly. It's taking everything I have to not mention it to her, or that she does her "homework" in the Gottman book. I have to keep in mind that at least she's going to C, and we have 3 more weekly sessions on the books.
Artsy - thanks for your words on defensiveness and Al-Anon - I have no doubt that I need to deal with some personal demons on my end, and am willing to do it.
Let me have it, folks! (yes, I know no one works here). I'm hopeful that we'll get thru this thing, over time, and I hope to be able to contribute to others that find themselves in this sitch in the future.
I looked into Al-anon - it seems to be entirely (not even mostly) devoted to drinking problems, etc. I'm game if it will teach me what I need to learn, but will it really? Won't I be out of place if I show up and there's no drinking issues in my life?
I'm also wary of mixing methods; right now I have DB(book, soon), our local counselor (using Gottman), and my DB personal coach. That's a lot to digest, and I don't want to get conflicting info.
