Introduction

[Zander]

I recently finished reading Divorce Remedy and was amazed at how awesome it is! I plan to post a long-winded version later but I think a brief summary initially will be best, so here it is:

I'm 32
Wife is 28
Daughter is 8
Son is 5 1/2

Been married for 10 years (as of March 13 this year)

2014
19 jan wife says we're done
30 jan I move out
21 feb wife has completed divorce papers without legal help and files them, I have been reading Divorce Remedy and decide I need to follow it the best I can despite papers being filed already (it's not over for me, even if the divorce is finalized towards the latter end of May after the Utah state mandatory 90-day waiting period)

--we had challenges and problems, but i didn't see this coming

--wife wanted the divorce to be as "amicable" as possible, no alimony, no child support (although state law mandates it according to percentage of income contribution so we'll end up having to do it anyway), joint custody everything 50/50, we already divided assets and debts with each other

--at the time she said she wanted a divorce, wife indicated to me and to a few other people that she might be willing to date me in the future

--as things have evolved, wife now has an OP who spends TONS of time with her and our kids. He was already a close family friend so the transition was, well, hardly a transition at all. We know now that he has been interested in my wife since he met her a couple years ago.

--I have been carrying pain and anger with me from childhood that I didn't realize I had. This has hurt my marriage a lot, especially since I just felt like there wasn't a problem. I have been able realize in the last couple years that I was carrying a bunch of emotional garbage around and within the last year have felt completely able to let go of it. The last 6 to 9 months have consequently felt so much better! The last few months have been particularly awesome in this regard, despite the impending doom of divorce. I LOVE IT!!!

--I experienced emotional infidelity a couple years ago. Talked about it with my wife within a few weeks after realizing how I felt. Very tough and EXTREMELY (perhaps even irreparably for her) hurtful to my marriage. I said some of the incredibly hurtful things that people who find themselves in that situation say to their spouses. Worked through it (took several months) and being on the flip side of successfully navigating that kind of challenge is SO WORTH IT!! I feel like my wife is in her version of the same situation now. It's crazy how similar some of the things she says now are to some of the things I said back then and how alike the feelings and sequence of events she is experiencing now are to what I experienced during that time.

--I have been trying, although not always succeeding, to implement DR strategies. It has been helpful in that I have noticed positive changes and I believe I have been able to avert some situations that would have gotten worse.

--In the last couple of days she has actually mentioned a couple of things she misses about me, although the rest of the conversation was largely spent expressing pain for everything I've done that hurt her throughout our entire marriage (I think I'll call it the "master list"). But I take the mention of a couple things she misses as "progress".

--Also in the last couple of days she expressed how she can see some amazing changes that I'm making and that I'm turning into the man she always wanted that she felt I was early in our marriage, and expressed that she is so angry about the timing of it. "Why couldn't you have been doing these things before when I really needed you to be doing them--before you hurt me so much that I became dead to you and dead to our relationship? I can see what you're doing but It's not worth the risk of getting hurt again." I think this is a sign of success, but the conversation also was hard enough on her that she had her OP come over to comfort her while I was still there (yikes! perfect example of what NOT to do and how it drives your spouse further towards their OP) so I'm not sure if this was overall a success or backsliding--maybe a bit of both, or a signal that yes, she is noticing things, but no, it's not time and you need to back off! Let things "marinate" for a while and allow her to keep noticing the changes you're making.


Anyway I'll start with that.

Thank you!

[KarenR]

Good for you for the changes and insights you have had. If you need direction on what to do next and how to do it in ways that will continue to bring your wife closer and make it more likely she will withdraw from OP, then I suggest you talk to a DB coach asap. There are appointments today and you will feel much stronger, hopeful and on track after your first appointment. Take good care.