I've been separated for over 7 months now. In February, we started making progress (I thought) toward reconciling; spending more time together, having sex, etc.
We never talked about our relationship or the underlying issues however.
We planned an expensive vacation in Cancun and another in Vail two weeks later.
We had a great time in Cancun, but didn't talk about the relationship at all.
My counselor was disappointed in that fact, and said we have to have those discussions, unless living in this ambiguity is 'OK' with me.
We were to depart for Vail last Sunday. Last Wednesday, she indicated that she had not talked to her employer yet. Then I did not hear from her until Friday evening and she said she could not go or she would lose her job. I was flabbergasted.
Her 'apology' consisted of 'I'm sorry', and when pushed, she got defensive stating that her job 'was not like mine'. She works as a front desk clerk at a hotel.
Since she hates her job, I told her to quit. She then regurgitated all of the underlying issues such as 'she has no security with me' and 'I'll be mean to her if things don't go well, and her job is the only security she has'.
Mind you, I've given her everything she has asked for since she left. Including helping her out financially.
She has not been to therapy (stopped attending joint therapy with me, though I continued), has no goals, plans or motivations to improve her life. She is tuck in the same spot she has been in 7 months ago, nay 8+ years ago. The onlky difference now is that she has her apartment.
A friend said she is cake-eating; drops in when she wants to, then checks out back to her apartment goes incommunicado, when she's not.
Counselor said to draw a line in the sand outlining my 'must-haves' for the relationship to move forward. In the past, prior to February, when pressed, she said 'No', or that I could file for a divorce.
What hurts the most is that she knew how much I wanted to go to Vail. I have been wanting to for years, and she wasn't that interested, so we made a deal; we go to Cancun (her desire) then Vail, (my desire).
Thinking this might be a good inflection point to lay the cards on the table (i.e. what are we doing/what do you want). Or perhaps IU am making too big a deal out of this.
Needless to say, I didn't go; couldn't get my head in the right place. Out a significant sum of money as a result.
<sigh>
Me: 46 Ex: 38 Married: 10 Together: 12 No Children Separated (again): 09/06/13 Divorced: 02/27/15
You need to detach and GAL without her and let her figure her own stuff out. I know it's hard, we've all been there. You can't control her and it [censored]. If she starts to feel like she's losing you, she may make progress but don't have any expectations.
No word from her since Friday either. She's probably mad because I sent her an email expressing my frustration/hurt and that this is her modus operandi of dealing with things.
<sigh>
Me: 46 Ex: 38 Married: 10 Together: 12 No Children Separated (again): 09/06/13 Divorced: 02/27/15
She has not been to therapy (stopped attending joint therapy with me, though I continued), has no goals, plans or motivations to improve her life. She is tuck in the same spot she has been in 7 months ago, nay 8+ years ago. . . .
A friend said she is cake-eating; drops in when she wants to, then checks out back to her apartment goes incommunicado, when she's not. . .
Rather than focusing on her, I would recommend you and your counselor focus more on YOU. Why do you feel you might continue to be attracted to (at best) / in NEED of (at worst) such a woman? Is this really a woman of quality you should be pursuing like this?
A great read is "Co-Dependent No More." Time to get YOUR mojo back, and let her steer her own course (or not).
Definitely sounds like you are trying to control her. To give the relationship another go would take a leap of faith on both your parts. For her to quit her job, man, that's asking a lot don't you think? You have an awful lot of expectations, and if you guys aren't even talking about the serious stuff, every one of those expectations is setting you up for disappointment.
