Rise & Shine VII

[3boymom]

Time for a new thread. Here is a link to the old one: Rise & Shine VI

[3boymom]

Last night/today have been tough. I need to write this out so that I can start fresh tomorrow.

I ran into my H last night while picking up dinner for the kids. I made a comment about being surprised to see him because I did not see his car. I stupidly asked how he got there (I think I joked with him about walking there which would be a hike from his place. My H responded with "the OW drove me and dropped me off a few hours ago to get some work done."

I changed the subject, but it was a huge realization that in over eight months nothing has changed. Yes - it is only a car ride. But it is symbol that my H continues to do as he pleases with OW without any regard for me.

Time to wake up 3BM.

This morning H called after dropping the kids off at school. I answered because he normally will update me on what the teachers tell him. He started off by saying that he wanted to talk about financials and then he went off with this long speech about a video that he had seen about giving back and that he woke up this morning and God talked to him and told him that he should donate his commission check that he was getting today to charity and that I may not understand where he is coming from and that I may be upset with his decision....

For some reason, the way that he framed the conversation really got to me. Tears started rolling down my face. After he realized I was upset, he started backtracking and saying that he did not mean to come across that way.

I have been trying to figure out why the conversation got me so upset ...

(1) I felt like my H does not know me. He said that I would not understand why he would want to donate money and was not sure if I would support his decision. It made me think "Does my H think that I don't have a heart and don't want to help others? Does my H think that despite everything I have shown him over the past 15 years, I only care about money." That is not who I am. In fact it is the complete opposite. If I know this, then why does my H's opinion matter so much to me? Man I have to detach.

(2) I was jealous. My H woke up this morning and said that God wanted him to reach out and help others. My H said that the thought of making others happy made him feel so good. I selfishly thought "will god ever talk to my H and encourage him to make amends for all the pain he caused me." It hurts so much that after all this time, my H cant even acknowledge what he has done.

I know that I have to detach. I know that I cant have expectations. I know that I have to take my H for who he is right now. I know that I cant expect an apology from my H. I know that I need to walk my own path to get past this pain and frustration and not let it turn into bitterness. But some days are just harder than others.

I am heading to the gym for the first time in a bit. I am hoping to run away some of this sadness. I will go home and play with the kiddos and remind myself of all the good things that I have.

[paul19510]

(((3bm)))good work in writing it out. I have my moments too. I met someone this week and had drinks with her. We are making friends. She is oing thru the same thing. Very hard to see.

[Lostforwords]

3B,

Realization is a big step in the whole process....and it has some strange twists. Some are you looking in the mirror and realizing your bad points as well as good points. Some are realizing that no matter how much you loved some one, gave them everything of yourself, that they in fact might not necessarily realize who YOU are.

Jealousy...Now that is an evil demon dear...just evil. Jealousy also leads to expectations, etc. It is healthy in your case though if you handle it and keep it controlled. My question to you though...Is how to change your perspective on what he is doing in regards to charity? Hint: This has to do with detaching and seeing the big picture

[labug]

He may not really know you.

So often we keep our real self hidden because then we are vulnerable and we've been taught to hide that so we armor up.

There's little book by Pema Chodron "When Things Fall Apart" (you con't have to be Buddhist for it to connect with you). I truly felt that my world had fallen apart. All the plans we made were gone, money was an issue (I thought), I would never be able to retire, my kids would like him better than me, I was a failure... blah, blah, blah, victim, victim, victim. That book really helped to bring me out of that and to figure out me. It has gotten me through a lot of tough times. It's not long, and you can read one chapter and let it marinate for a couple of days, then read another chapter.

I still pick it up and read a chapter to help me over a rough spot.

I think you'e doing great.

[3boymom]

What a day! I had the kids this morning and then we met up with H for lunch and to switch the kids. H was going to take S5 and S3 to a birthday party at his neighbors house while I took S1 back to my house for a nap.

Two minutes after we get home I get a call from H who tells me that S3 fell off his bike and he thinks he needs to go to the hospital. I knew that is was serious because h is the king of "just shake it off you are fine". I threw S1 in the car and rushed over. My heart dropped when I saw S3. S3 had a huge bump on his forehead despite the fact he was wearing a helmet. We left the other boys with my MIL and headed to the ER. They observed S3 for three hours and let us go. S3 was thrilled because they gave him three popsicles. He was a great little patient.

H has S5 and S3 at his place for the night. He was supposed to take S1 too but we decided I would take him so H could give all his attention to S3. It makes me sad that I won't be there tonight if S3 is upset but I know he is in good hands.

We worked as a good co-parenting team today. Hopefully tomorrow will be more of a low key day.

[melissag]

3, I am so glad your little guy is OK.

It makes me sad that I won't be there tonight if S3 is upset but I know he is in good hands.

That's a great place to be, 3b. I know your H hasn't been a stellar father in the past, so this says a lot about how far you both have come.

[bluesgal]

Hey 3-You've had some tough realizations lately. But, you're handling them so well. I have so often done what Labug was saying. It's so easy to fall into victim mode. But, you are really taking the high road.

There are just no easy answers here. I wish your H would get to know you again. See you for who you've become instead of his assumptions. The hurt is almost constant and it's really tough to not have any acknowledgement of it. No sorry's or ownership. We really have to fight through this on our own.

Glad your little man is ok and, yes, he's in good hands.

[labug]

That's a scary story with a great outcome, 3!

Hope you got a little sleep.

[juliegayle]

Glad little guy is ok. Sometimes ER is scarier for us than them. When we went last month s got so many "prizes" he keeps asking to go back.

It is great that you and h worked so well last night make this smooth and easy for all the kids and be there together fot s3.