We have had 4 months of hell at my house. I am at a loss and devasted. I just recently read DB and found this website. Here is the low down.
Month 1 - I notice my H is distant, when I ask what is wrong H says "I am thinking of divorcing you." I am in complete shock. H has always had periods of depression, and this is what I thought it was. All I hear the first month is "I'm done, I think I want a divorce." We have lots of arguments because I keep asking why (we were never ones to argue, he would yell and I would retreat - not much of a fight.) I begged, pleaded, cried and asked him to stay. He told me he loved me but was not in love and that I abandoned him the last 10 years of our 13 year marriage. H refused counseling, but I start going for myself. H says he is putting a wall up to me - essentially no hugs, kisses or anything else (if I try I get a pathetic hug and he turns his cheek and no kiss on lips.) He does do fake sleep walking into my room to be intimate. I notice that he is texting a lot on phone (went from 50 texts a month to 1000s) He is completely opposite of what I have known he starts drinking, swearing, and having previous inappropriate things in front of our girls like movies and videos (it is like I woke up one day and he is completely opposite of what I know.)
Month 2 - H tells our parents we are probably getting a divorce. He moves to spare room. I am distraught and cannot eat, which makes my regular illness worse. H hires a lawyer, only to cancel the next day. He told me he only cancelled the lawyer because I am sick and if I die, he would kill himself and then where would our kids be. H tells me he is going to counseling for himself and to see if he can salvage the marriage, he goes to a different counselor than mine. I begin to have tube feeding daily as I have gotten to thin. The texting continues and is increasing and the wall up to me continues. His wall did come down for about 2 weeks, but I found out later it was his EA going back to her boyfriend. His drinking continues and now he stays out all night drinking with his 3 new friends that are female, and I begin to notice the one that is EA. I still whine and beg and plead. I still am on tube feeding.
Month 3 - H continues to stay in spare room. We can do small talk, and still do things as a family. He does another all nighter with his female friends. I get caught hacking his cell phone code - bad decision! His wall is still up. Everyday since the start I expect him to come home and say we are getting divorced. Everything is my fault down to his childhood problems. He continues to drink all hours. I still whine and beg and plead. I still am on tube feeding.
Month 4 - His wall that had seemed to be crumbling is now even stronger. Basically no hugs or kisses. He gets in trouble at work for showing favortism to his new female friends, as they work under him. I realize that his EA has changed to PA - but he still denies anything is just going on - they are BFFs per H (sounds silly for someone in 40s to say that.) Most nights he comes home late - he normally gets home 11 pm but comes home later. Has another all nighter drinking with friends. He starts breaking promises to the kids. If his affair is found out at work - he will be fired. I still am on tube feeding, but am finally starting to eat a little. I have stopped the whining, begging, and pleading. He is quite stressed and cannot eat or sleep over issues at work - basically he is lying about what is going on with his BFF. I read DB and start last resort. I am afraid he has already checked out and it is just a matter of time before he leaves and gets a divorce. His EA and PA woman is basically trailor trash, and I think he loves the drama (I don't want my kids exposed to this person.)
Here are my questions:
1. Is last resort the best option? (I feel bad ignoring him as that is why he said he wants to leave and it is not in my nature to do that) 2. Should I NARC him out at work about the affair? 3. Does anyone know any good books to help me build my self esteem? or movies? or music? 4. Any questions, suggestions, or advice are GREATLY APPRECIATED!
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'm so sirry you are here. Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Definitely read all of the links Cadet provided and research MLC. There are some people who will try to tell you that MLC isn't real. However, you will read story after story here of people witnessing the bizarre transformation of their spouse. If I had not witnessed this myself, I would have thought folks were embellishing what happens.
Focus on you and your kids. You cannot fix h. This is his crisis and he has to own it. Yes it hurts and is painful. However , your children need a stable loving parent in their lives. Some people in MLC check out from their kids as well.
Hang in there. This board is a wealth of knowledge and support:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Welcome TLD - I too am sorry you are here. It is the place to be though for support for this. Read everything you can, every link that Cadet posted and then go search for more. Put yourself first, you have to learn to detach, eat, breathe, sleep, exercise, do what you can to take care of yourself. another good site for articles and resources is the hero's spouse, you can google it. It's nothing really new after you've read everything here but I'm one of those that likes to read and absorb everything I can. Keep posting and take care of you
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
A few things about your post reminded me a bit of my situation, so I'll put my two cents in (btw, married 24 years, H had an affair, I Divorcebusted and we reconciled, had a few more good years, then he hit serious MLC and bailed. Now divorced several years, and MY life gets better and better!)
I don't know what your illness is, but with tube feeding, I'll guess either an inflammatory bowel disease or eating disorder? Either way, let me throw a few random things out there:
- if it's IBD, please be gluten-free and look into a treatment called Low Dose Naltrexone.
- own the fact that, even though your illness is not your fault, it may indeed have "taken" you away from your spouse. It's ok to validate that he may have felt like he "lost" you through your illness.
- you describe your H as having had previous bouts of depression, and now he's staying out all night, drinking and behaving in uncharacteristic ways? This may be simple MLC, but have you considered Bipolar disorder? Has he ever done anything in the past that seemed mildly manic? Is he on any medications that may have triggered a change in behavior? My ex had minor "blue" periods that seldom lasted more than a month or so, since his twenties. Most of the rest of the time he was sort of hypo-manic - just very energetic and effective. But in his 40's the highs got a little higher, a little bit irrational, and the lows got lower. A history of multiple concussions in his 40's didn't help either. I now see him as having a mild form of bipolar disorder.
- does your ex have any history of substance abuse?
Whatever his diagnosis is or isn't, whatever path he may or may not take you need to remember a few things:
- protect yourself financially. Hopefully it will not come to divorce, but get an initial consultation with a lawyer to find out what your situation would be financially if he left. Squirrel a little cash away in an emergency place. Buy extra canned goods. Get a copy of all financial account statements. If he moves out, file an order for temporary support ASAP.
- live your life as if he's not coming back. Begging, pleading, getting more ill - not attractive things. Being confident, taking on new challenges, changing your hairstyle, getting out in the world - all things that make him wonder what he might miss out on if he leaves.
- at the same time, try sneakily speaking his love language. (Read the book by Chapman on the 5 love languages). Sounds like one of his may be quality time, so give him your full attention whenever he speaks - no multitasking.
- Don't rat him out to work - if it means he'll lose his job, that hurts YOU financially.
- you have to kind of think about what you would do if he'd gotten hit by a truck. How would you pick up the pieces for your kids and keep going? Don't get so stuck in the pain of betrayal that you don't move forward.
- Be the best YOU that you can be. Take the high road, be kind and compassionate, be a woman he'd be crazy to leave.
- at the same time, think seriously about whether this is a temporary aberration on his part, or a recurrence of something you always knew was there. Was he really a good husband before?
- it's ok to set boundaries. WASs do not respect doormats. If he keeps staying out all night with other women you may NEED to kick him out.
Please don't assume I'm saying anything about your chances of reconciliation here; I've seen much worse situations successfully reconcile. But it'll only happen if you can get back on your feet and be a strong, heroic survivor.
And don't let fear of the unknown paralyze you. As I said, I was married for 24 years, and I just couldn't quite wrap my head around the idea of our marriage finally being done. But I learned to play the drums, started playing in a couple of bands, and now, a few years later, I just came back from playing at SXSW, the huge music festival/industry conference in Austin, Texas. I have a modestly successful business, I've dated a series of very handsome (often younger ) men, and now have a serious boyfriend who treats me like a queen. You have to trust that if you just do YOUR best, and work on YOU, the outcome will be whatever was meant to be.
I have crohns disease. Yes, my illness has always bothered my h and did put space between us.
I have considered bipolar, but he really dies not have mania. The only med he is on is antidepressant that he started 3 months into this.
He has no history of substance abuse. He did not drink for 16 years due to religious reasons. His patents say he had no issues previously. Due to his work he has access to drugs.
Life continues to be up and down. I feel guilty going dark and doing last resort since he said I abandoned him the last 10 years. Do you think this is still ok to do? He is talking to me more, and very curious about what I am doing when I tell him I am going somewhere. He invites himself when I go somewhere with the girls. Most of the activities I do involve the girls, as they ate my life.
He says the OW is just his BFF. If he comes out with there is a relationship his work could fire him. Right now his work had been questioning him about his relationship, and his boss has gone to HR. He says either they fire her or he is going to sue for harassment. He saw a lawyer who says he has a case. This would ruin us financially.
He has really distanced himself from me physically the last month. I stopped asking for hugs as he would give me scrappy side hug and then give me a cheek for a kiss.
He is lying more and being more secretive. I feel like he is trying to gather evidence on me. He has told me he does not trust me and asked if I am gathering evidence on him, he is getting paranoid.
I am going to be getting some legal advice just in case. I am continuing to detach, but am not sure if this us the best? He had lots of people abandon him in childhood, and acused me of it too.
He continues to sleep in spare room, ay this point we are just roommates. He is getting very attached to OW. I have heard him talking to her on phone until early morning hours, this is very hard for me to ignore.
I have thought of kicking him out. But I cannot I don't want my daughters exposed to his loser friends.
Great advice from Ellie. Don't believe anything he says. Seriously, they lie. Don't even get caught up in the lies.
The statement that you abandoned him the past 10 years could be projection since he obviously is checking out. My h said I wasn't committed to the marriage (11 years and 3 kids) and said this as he was moving out. Mmmmm. Sounds like a bit of an oxymoron, huh? I notice you said he is more secretive as well. Very common and more projection with him saying he doesn't trust you. I doubt he trusts himself. The paranoia is common as well. That's his deal.
I would definitely not expose the OW at work. OW is a band aid. His ego is getting a boost. Again, that's him not you. I agree with Ellie. ALWAYS (and it can be difficult) take the high road. You want to be able to put your head on the pillow each night and say I gave today my best. I also truly believe in karma. Be the best you can be.
Detach and focus on you and your kids. It's always smart to get legal advice to take care of your family.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Please look into two things for your crohn's disease:
1) low dose naltrexone - put 2/3 of crohn's patients into remission in 12 weeks in one study. Experimental use of an old medication, very tiny dose , very inexpensive and easy to take. Go to lowdosenaltrexone dot org for more info.
2) A grain-free Paleo diet once you get back on food. Completely gluten-free. Check out marksdailyapple dot com website for more info.
) men, and now have a serious boyfriend who treats me like a queen. You have to trust that if you just do YOUR best, and work on YOU, the outcome will be whatever was meant to be.