She left - 2

[gogofo]

For my whole background refer to this thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2427663&page=1


The W and I are definitely going to have the R talk next week.

Today she sent me two text messages one saying "Hope you are feeling better today" which kind of keeps up with the small changes I have noticed.

The second text said "Maybe we can talk next week - really talk about this mess we are in. You didn't seem up for it last night."

So the second text was a slight surprise, but not a total shock. She had invited me over for dinner and to talk last night, but I have been sick.

I replied that we will find a night to talk about us next week.

This weekend she leaves for Reno to visit a long time friend who just had a baby. They have been each other's support for 20 plus years and have real talks with each other. When they have serious talks they basically say, I love you and support you but you are being out of line, if that is truly how they feel. They don't pull any punches with each other. It is probably safe to assume that our separation will come up when they see each other. I am also pretty sure that when the W first informed her friend that she left the house the friend called her a "stupid spoiled bitch" and asked her "WTF was her problem." But this was through the grapevine so I don't put much stock into it. But this friend would be the only one she would respect enough to listen to her opinion even if it did not agree with her's.

Right now I am feeling equal amounts of excitement and trepidation for the upcoming R talk. I keep reminding myself that I cannot assume what her thoughts are but still find myself swinging back and forth between her saying divorce or reconciliation. The next couple of days I will be doing some serious GAL. The kids will be at MIL until Sunday so I am going to try and go to a sportsman's expo with some friends and just do me until talk day. I cannot afford to waste energy or stress about all of the "what ifs" that may creep into my mind. It will be a good distraction.

I am prepared for the talk if it involves us talking reconciliation, because this is what all of us are working towards, and know that it will also need to be baby stepped and we will have to learn new R skills. I am scared too about reconciliation because of the possibility of getting hurt again.

What I am not prepared for is if the talk involves divorce. I will have to think this through and role play in my mind how I will feel and how I should react as this is not what I want, but I cannot control what she wants.

Any vets have some advice if the talk turns to her wanting divorce. I want to be prepared for what ever hits me.

[ye21]

Ehhehe this is what you wished right? So far you are doing everything fine, its normal to have fear and its normal the way you feel about all this, you cant prepare for the unexpected with fear, she is the one choosing....in the other hand you are allowed to choose as well, she is separated from you right now, so this is you dedicating time to yourself.
Expectations are normally driven by fear and when they dont happen...well we get scared...she wants to talk with you, do you remember how she is taking steps to talk with you? Let her keep doing that, without guessing whats going to happen, the other night you had dinner with her and you had what you called a small talk....2 hours and so... Small? Hehhehe
The only thing you can do its show up for yourself, dont tell her a date to talk, just wait and let her choose the day, once she does that just show up and everything will be fine, one way or another.
You cant plan what you are gonna say or do because it might end the other way around, but you can repeat yourself till you get tired, one way or the other everything will be fine and whatever she decides I will accept it in a calm and rational way, lets say she says she wants D, if you tell her: Noooooo I dont want that!!! Are you serious? That makes me sad...its not going to change her choice...
But my friend you can show her the unexpected... Ok I accept your decission...and keep moving towards loving yourself...
If she wants to talk about reconciliation... Honey I would like to work in our problems... Ok, how do you think we can work on that? And listen, only listen, you at this time dont need to give direction, it might come out as controlling, and untill the day you are 100% sure your decissions are not looking to control the R its probably more aproppiate to just wait...

Imagine a fisherman, he trows the bait, a trout comes around testing because she its not sure, only the patient one will get that trout, if you move fast the trout will notice the bait and walk away, so this is the same.
Listen to her and one day you will be able to speak openly, the day that you are more safe around her, meanwhile dedicate love to yourself.

Everything will be ok at the end...

[ye21]

I am not telling you not to talk to her, just to choose what you talk about and only talk about that if you feel safe...if not then just wait and talk about less important things...

[gogofo]

Thanks Ye, that is kind of what I was thinking. Just go and listen to her about how she feels. I was mentally preparing for this conversation not to take place until July. She is going to Spain in June and previously she had stated something about a six month separation being a good duration, some article she had read I guess.

Looks like I have some work to do this weekend. Need to get set on listening to how she feels and what she wants and not talking about my needs or feelings.

[unbidden]

Also, remember that MWD says that expectations are important so to in with a highly positive mindset. Just MO.

[gogofo]

Thanks unbidden, one thing I know I have been doing well is PMA. I think I am going to read the chapter on piecing again this weekend to get refreshed on the steps.

[ye21]

Hahahha dude I am from Spain!!! She is gonna love Spain

[gogofo]

He father is Basque, he immigrated to the U.S. what he was 18. All his family is still there they live 15 miles from Guernika in Oma. My wife has spent almost half of her summers in Spain, she even did summer school in college in Madrid and Donostia (San Sebastian) the rest were spent with her family.

We did three weeks in the Basque country when we got married and we just did 10 days between Barcelona and Madrid this past may. I love Spain too, how could you not. Give me a plate of pata negra some crusty bread and a glass or crianza from the rioja or a cold glass of txakoli and I am a happy man.

[gogofo]

Quick update:

When the W has the kids I always send her a text asking if the kids were good. I usually get back one or two text messages, all business type messages and not too lengthy.

Last night she sent me 18 messages and even asked if I was feeling better. She has opened up quite a bit recently.

To me it seems that the "talk" we are going to have might be an actual conversation, not just a lecture from her.

[unbidden]

Have no expectations and validate, validate, validate . . .